I agree that now is the time for this child to be helped. I also agree that until his behaviors are addressed, you should take care around him.
I will gently point out though that assumptions and judgments are unhelpful here. I am terrible at writing anything negative or unsupportive, so forgive me if I don't get this right. But I just feel compelled to speak to a possibility on behalf of these parents.
From what you've written, it doesn't look like you are particularly close - either geographically or emotionally - to the parents or the child. So they may well be dealing with issues they haven't broadcast. They may be working hard with their child every single day on these behaviors.
They may be advised by professionals on discipline strategies that are outside the norm. They may have found (as I did) that public displays of discipline set their child back too much to justify them. So they may take their discipline into private (as I did), suffering the assumptions, judgment and derision of people around them, because it's what is best for their child. They may well be in a miserable, lonely place.
A quick anecdote - my DS7 had a very rough K year, and was rough with other kids. We didn't understand why he had these behaviors because he was very sad about them. But we worked hard with him and his teachers to help him gain control of his emotions. Over his K year, with much hard work and love - and with incredible amounts of self-doubt and self-loathing - he gradually clawed himself into a more normal range of behavior.
At the beginning of the next new school year, as DS was walking on the yard, a new little K boy - who my child did not know at all - leaped out at him, knocking him to the ground and scratching his face until it bled badly. Everybody told me it was "totally unprovoked." DS - bless him - did not retaliate. That alone shows how far he has come in a year.
I was told all about how the parents were called, and the child sent home, etc. I think I was supposed to respond with anger and demands. But ohhhh- I had been in those parents' shoes. I asked the teacher, who knew both my child and theirs, if the parents were working hard on these behaviors. The grateful look I got from the teacher told me everything I needed to know.
I wrote a note to the parents telling them I know it's hard for some little kids to control themselves, and that it's so hard to understand what is going on. I told them we had some of the same struggles. I told them that if they kept working, and listening to the professionals advising them, they could look forward with hope. I told them they didn't need to answer my note, but that they should know I didn't harbor any ill will toward them or their son.
Now don't get me wrong - I also told the teachers to wath carefully and protect my son! But I do feel I did the right thing.
I am not trying to be preachy and you DO need to protect yourself and your family. But to help these folks,at least consider the struggles they might be having and if you want to help, ask first rather than tell.
I just want offer something from the trenches.
I really hope they aren't just making excuses.
Sue
