Hi Rioja,

I could have written your post about my DS (now 7), word for word. Except the 123 system didn't even work for us at home. Here are a few thoughts:

1. Every child is different - but my guess is this WILL get better. We've had a bumpy road, but DS is now in first grade with a good teacher. He has a best friend and knows how to interact with the other kids. He shows respect to (most of) the adults. He is generally happy-ish in school. All is not roses. But things are soooo much better than they were 3 years ago.

2. For me personally, the turning point came when I honestly came to understand that it wasn't "he won't." The problem was "he can't." That's why sticker charts don't work for kids like ours. They assume the kid CAN, but just WON'T. For my DS, no matter how he tried, he couldn't.

3. Soooo - what to do? For DS it was - where possible - minimizing triggers. Here are things we (finally) convinced the school would be helpful They were, by the way.

DO make sure he has a trusted relationship with adults at the school. Ideally this is the teacher. Not so for us in K, but better now in first. He also has close relationships with the director of his after care and with the principal.

DON'T make him fail. Don't ask him to sit shoulder-to-shoulder on a little classroom carpet. Why not have all the kids scoot back a foot? DON'T keep him in at recess or lunch to finish work Send it home and I'll help. DON'T shame him by writing his name on the blackboard or using a sticker chart other kids can see or any of those other nasty, bullying things that schools do. These things all work on an assumption that he CAN, but he WON'T. My son is trying hard. But he can't. If you help him, maybe he will be able to sooner.

DO give him a chance to shine. He has a ton to offer to the class. Call on him as often as you reasonably can. Say "what a good point" when he makes one. Say "can you raise your hand?" and when he does call on him so he can repeat what he just blurted out. Then say "what a good point" - if it was. And if your DS is like mine, it probably will be.

DON'T embarrass him for knowing things other kids don't know yet. DON'T say "we're not doing fractions yet" without also adding "but, that's right. Looks like you are ready for fractions!"

4. This one is for you - don't pay any attention to the little smirks or outright offensive remarks you'll get about behavior. Those folks don't have any idea what your DS is trying to handle. And sadly, even if they did, they probably wouldn't cut him any slack. But it's not a problem with you being too easy on him. It's just a very hard row for you both to hoe.

5. Last - this whole time was incredibly, painfully, awful for DS. He felt lonely and broken. He asked me to stop telling him I loved him, because "nobody could love a kid like me." The single best piece of advice I got was to give him all the unconditional love I could. I hold off on questions when I know things went badly at school. We got him a dog (pure, pure, pure unconditional love). We tell him we are proud of him when he does well AND when he doesn't. When he doesn't, we find a point where he tried, and tell him we are proud of that. Then we find ways to work on the things that didn't go well. We praise where it's warranted. BUT we cannot overdo the praise, because the wise little man won't believe any of it if we do. And always - a steady drumbeat of love and being there for him and of WANTING to be there for him. No questions, no exceptions.

We are not out of the woods yet. But I think we are getting there, and I want you to know that you and your DS will, too.

Hugs,
Sue