Sorry - this turned out a bit long. Hope it's helpful though.
It sounds like your child is very similar to my DS who just turned 7. We still have DS in public school first grade, but the amount of scaffolding and support he needs is unbelievable. And it's still not clear that he'll be there for much longer.
In our experience, diagnosis or not, most people will assume your child's behavior is willful and requires discipline. They will also likely assume you do not discipline at home. Be prepared to emphatically counter and then ignore these postures.
Here are the challenges I have to come to understand for DS, and some solutions that are working, bit by bit. I hope they give some context for my answer to your question (below).
First - like you dear child, DS is very sensitive with probable sensory issues. This makes him highly defensive and hyper-aware of everything every kid in the room is doing. In the past he has had problems with lashing out like your child has, in response to what he sees as another's transgressions.
Worse- he has pattern-recognition super powers. This means he can observe what kids are doing and know almost to a certainty, which one is going to come over and give him trouble. And he'll nip that in the bud. I cannot tell you the number of times I've been told that he lashed out at so-and-so, "and it was completely unprovoked." Technically, it was. But DS was operating on pattern and practice, so he he honestly felt he was defending himself. I guess preemptive strike would best describe what he thinks he's doing. Just try explaining that to teachers! Blank stares are the best you can hope for.
So, this was hard, hard, hard to help him get past. He still feels his preemptive strike impulses, but with much hard work has managed to curtail physical responses. Instead, now, he'll often use something constructively tactical (e.g., move away from the kid, or ask the teacher a question to bring her attention to his space), or at worst - tend toward a cutting remark to head off the other kid. And with his verbal powers - whoa can he craft a cutting remark! These actions do still get him in trouble sometimes, but it's a different quality of trouble from the hitting or other rough responses he had in pre-school and K. Progress, at least externally.
Second - the boredom is actually painful and unbelievably frustrating. It pushes him to a point of extreme exasperation, and makes management of the above much more difficult. It makes him snappy and irritable, especially toward his teacher, who he views as imposing the boredom and withholding the good stuff. And it also causes him to have an almost visceral reaction when he hears inaccuracies in the boring material. To work on this challenge: (a) I tell him to bring home questions/topics and I promise to teach him bigger/better content. [Aside - I realize this is probably only pushing off the problem.] (b) I make him role play more appropriate responses when he makes a point. E.g., You don't say "You are so stupid!" Instead, you say, "Actually I read about that. What I read said .... Could I bring in that book so we can discuss it?"
With these, and lots and lots of unconditional love and support, DS has made progress. The tough thing for us is wondering whether this takes too much of an emotional toll on him. He often is despondent, saying things like "I was just born to be mean." He can't see that things are improving, even though they are. I think this is probably because he still FEELS the frustration and rage, even if he's managing his responses to the feelings. And for a perfectionist kid, to constantly hear that barrage about "being bad", well it's no wonder he often doesn't feel too good about himself.
On the other hand, in the moment, I can see that he is proud of his ability to manage. And that's something good. As he grows, those good moments become more and more frequent. I don't think he'll ever suffer fools gladly, so teachers are always going get a ration if they state facts inaccurately. But maybe he'll present his position with more tact (if not respect). And I don't want him to be a pushover, so properly defending himself will be a tightrope act - but he does seem to be gaining that balance.
So to answer your question - you know your child and his/her mental well-being best. Go with your gut on when to pull the plug. We are always keeping an eye on the options, because we are always close to pulling the plug ourselves. But for now - he's still making progress an this hardest thing for him to learn. And so we are letting him keep after it.
Honestly, though, I think we will pull him to a better academic fit soon. Because the boredom thing is going to overtake the behavior thing. And among other things, he needs stealth dyslexia support that he's never going to get in public school. I have no idea if we're getting the timing right. But I do know we - DS, DH and me - are all doing the very best that we can. And that's all we can collectively expect of ourselves.
You're doing great things for your child, just by working on this question. Don't let any demons in your head convince you otherwise. It's a very hard row to hoe that you've got!
Sue
