Were they, though? Or is it the impression of moomin's DD that they
must have been feigning such fear (in light of her understanding and feelings toward the spider)?
That's just it-- there is a real danger of being patronizing in this kind of situation, no matter how good our intentions as we "help" others to overcome irrational fears or merely the affectation of them.
I know that my perspective, being non NT, has often been wildly different from normative-- and that my interpretation of that difference (particularly as a child) was often to assume that others MUST be putting me on. That they couldn't
possibly really be thinking or feeling what they
seemed to be thinking/feeling. As much as others have trouble understanding MY perspective, it is a good idea for me to remember that I may not understand the NT perspective all that well, either.
I've also literally NEVER heard anyone thank me for helping them to dispel some closely held belief that they are passionately, irrationally in the process of embracing in front of me. I have considerable experience with that particular thing, actually, being both a scientist and an atheist. (Ever try to talk to someone who is fervently anti-vaccination because they "just know" that it's harmful?) I keep my mouth shut and let people believe what they wish, unless it
does actually directly produce an impact that has wider consequences (okay, so I
do actually speak up about anti-vax mythology, but I've learned that it's pointless to do so with individuals). It's an important social skill for someone who is
never going to be normative in most settings-- learn to recognize when someone is NOT basing their responses on rational, logical thinking, and understand that arguing anything using logic/rationality is doomed to failure and acrimony.
Being normative may not be an option, but being able to pass as such (er-- or at least borderline or plausibly so) certainly makes life easier. And as a bonus, it
does open the door to others being able to "hear" your perspective more readily. You know, once they've calmed down and quit screaming.
I got the sense that what bothered her most was the sense of different-ness, and the possible rejection/alienation that she felt as a result. Finding common ground, as Val noted, seems a very reasonable step to mitigating that particular problem.
Educating others as to why you are "right" (er, and as a subtext, why they are "wrong" or at least not "as correct" as you)... is not what some social situations call for. It's about recognizing teachable moments with others, and letting some stuff go when it isn't that kind of opportunity. Telling the other girls that the spider was harmless and actually, rather cool... I get WHY a HG+ child would do that-- but it's
socially probably not the best choice while others are screeching. Maybe once they've calmed down. KWIM?
