Another angle for you to consider, then, since that rings a bell--
performance-avoidant perfectionism, which is also sometimes called task-avoidant perfectionism--
both are other names for a common manifestation of
socially prescribed perfectionism. This is probably the most insidious and difficult to remediate kind of perfectionism, I'm sorry to say.
My DD has this, and honestly, I'm not
sure that it is a great idea to emphasize "effort" with a kid like this, either. We tried that, and unfortunately, the problem is that "my best"
should be 100% in her reality... ergo, if I didn't earn 100%, others (parents, teachers) will be disappointed, because I didn't "do my best." Look, the evidence is right there in this 90% mark on that test.
The only way around that is to DELIBERATELY self-sabotage by inattentiveness, procrastination, or self-handicapping using some other method. That way, you have a REASON why it wasn't "my best" and it's fine if you earn a C. It can always be 100% in your own mind, if you subtract your handicap like golfers do.
Don't continue to allow him to tie his identity to "A student" or "smart kid" or anything
performance oriented. Gently steer him toward a more dynamic self-image. That seems to be the only thing that affects real change in a person with this particular problem.
Also-- side-by-side activities, and let him watch YOU manage failure as a learning exercise. If you need help to do that gracefully, so be it-- it's not a surprise that perfectionism runs in families, right?
I really wish that we'd seen the extreme difficulties that lay ahead of us when DD was 9 and 10 and still in middle school. When they are in high school, the grades matter too darned much for you to let them REALLY fail when it's about motivation/effort and not about mastery/understanding.
ETA: We know that we've made a LOT of progress with my DD because she has finally gained the ability to be happy/proud of her efforts even when they
don't yield blue-ribbon grades from the outside world. We emphasize how proud we are of her
learning and progress and dedication, and celebrate her pride in her accomplishments and activities.
We IGNORE the cognitive whiplash that she induces by veering wildly between red-lining at the last minute and then, once we've BULLIED her into following through... being pleased and proud of herself. (It's hard to bite one's tongue;
aren't you glad I forced you to do that after all? even though you told me you "suck" at this and will never manage to be any good at it? but we manage. Mostly.) We calmly point out that she struggled through... and that it makes her personal victory (over whatever it was) that much SWEETER and more genuine than having a trophy just... handed to her.
Trying things that probably
are too hard for them is a good way to "re-set" a perfectionist of this stripe. But you may have to really bully them to participate and stick with it. You are literally going to look like an unrealistic and maybe even borderline abusive parent to others. You'll DEFINITELY seem like a TigerParent. We've done that-- but it's not for the faint of heart parent, nor for the sensitive child-- there is a LOT of high-level conflict involved in that strategy. Perfectionists do
not enjoy undertaking things where success is questionable, and even less so when it's not likely under any circumstances.
For example;
I'm not giving you a choice about DOING it. Your choice is whether you want to do your best or embarrass yourself by putting in no effort at all.It sounds really counterintuitive, but I'm a believer now-- doing things that virtually
guarantee failure? Breaks that barrier down in their heads so that they have nothing at stake and nothing to lose. It's freeing, and it
heals them inside. It lets them experience the very WORST thing-- failure and humiliation (which they fear) and realize that, um... they're kind of scared of the bogeyman. Nothing awful happens, people still like and respect them as much as ever, and you know... they actually did BETTER than they thought they would! (Win, win, win-- right?)
