Thank you all for your thoughtful and insightful comments, stories and thoughts on this.
A few things to help clarify
1. We homeschool so they ARE each others peers for a huge portion of the time
2. They are very close. They are buddies, and I do everything possible to make sure it stays this way. We don't pit them against each other ever in any way, subject or activity.
3. In all games or activities I always make it about the time spent together being more important than the outcome (ie who wins)
4. Aiden IS aware of what is happening. In the past he would get quite upset when his little brother mentally calculated something faster, or turned and explained something to him, or more recently told him a reading word that he (Aiden) was struggling with. This morning he looked quite horrified when Nathan picked up Aiden's new book and read it more fluently and easily than he had just done (while Nathan was out of the room). He managed to control himself (I was so proud) but he lost interest in it thereafter, instead choosing to push himself into a book that is harder, more complex and definitely on the upper edge of his current ability.
I have always told my boys they are awesome because of who they are not what they can do.
The thing is that Aiden is prone to performance anxiety and perfectionsim. He also loves to be in the know, esp with his brothers and loves to teach and guide them. When we took him out of school he was doing this thing where he would squeeze himself into the mould of the person/people he wanted to be with/like/accepted by.
I just need some ideas on ways to talk to him about accepting that there will be things his younger brother is better at and that its okay because it doesnt have to define him. It also doesnt mean he cannot do those things.
We have been talking for ages about the fact that Nathan may be taller than him one day (looks very likely) but that he will always be the oldest.
