Nautigal, remind me, I think I remember your DS is on or near the autism spectrum? Or am I thinking about someone else's kid? Trying hard to keep 'em all straight here.
He doesn't understand why he needs to write an apology letter. He seems to grasp that it was a bad thing he did, but when I explain that he needs to apologize because he let them (and us) down, disappointed them, he says that their disappointment is their own fault because their expectations are never going to come true. Every time he tries hard at something, he fails (not true anywhere but inside his head). My disappointment is my fault because I made him be born the way he is.
I think I have one of those 9 year old psychopaths.
I doubt it.
My DS9 (2E, AS) has had a very hard time learning the skill of "taking responsibility for his own actions." We started with rote teaching (1. have a pleasant voice, 2. admit what I did, 3. apologize, 4. don't say anything else right away). Step 4 prevents the "buts." We have moved to more complex explanations involving trust, all the "whys" of apologizing gracefully, but first we had to get him to understand the outward behavior that's expected.
(I know, lucounu, you don't believe in empty apologies, but in the autism world we are pretty much "fake it till you make it"-- it is interesting that a correct emotional response, shame, can follow if you teach the right physical and verbal responses first.)
Perfectionism leading to cheating is not unusual in the least. Most college plagiarism comes from that desperate, impulsive state. It's important to nip the cheating in the bud, but I'd be focusing more on the "accepting responsibility" skill, just because it's a dealbreaker by middle school if you can't apologize and move on. Everybody screws up, so everybody needs this skill.
But I just can't get it through his head that we're not upset if he misses something. He does not get in trouble over grades, except for the Unsatisfactory that he got for not turning in homework. I have told him that if he goes all the way through school without ever missing anything on tests, all that means is that he's not learning at his level, but he just doesn't get it.
I suspect that once he finds out that cheating was a bigger deal than he thought, and a bad grade is not, you will have made it worth it to him to not cheat. Maybe praising him in other areas for doing his "honest best" and finding stories where someone takes the high road will support this too?
DeeDee
ETA: the other thing we do for DS that's relevant here is meds for anxiety, along with open conversation about what's worth getting upset about and what isn't. He's come a ways with this.
