... how do you know what they're ready to think about?
The same way you do, I guess. As parents we have to make choices of some sort regarding to what our kids are exposed, even if we're unschoolers and just strew things about the house; by this I mean that we don't just rely on our children's choices to choose okay material, we make educated guesses at least some of the time. I pick things that I know are in my child's emotional readiness range. We might differ about how big that range is or should be for kids in general, or whether we should err on the side of expanding or curtailing it, but we can certainly agree to disagree about these issues, especially where we don't know much about each other's children or their specific needs.
Reading is one thing and seeing is another, in my opinion. Visual stimuli can be so overwhelming, and in my experience the brain can sometimes really perseverate on disturbing images.
I agree with you. For example, imagery in the movie "Spirited Away" might be pretty challenging for a particular child, even if they're beginning to be able to handle themes of loss, hatred, etc. that are present in that movie. I err on the side of letting my son take in material that I think has great redeeming qualities (artistic, intellectual, or whatever) even if I think it might be near the edge of his comfort zone, because I figure he will let me know if he can't watch it comfortably. If he were to wind up with a nightmare afterwards despite feeling comfortable watching it, I would probably back off on that one for a while, but I don't think every nightmare is cause for concern either.
When I know something would be enjoyed by my son but has certain parts that aren't good for him, I will censor them out on occasion. For movies that would be skipping part or all of a scene; for a book, I probably just wouldn't let him read it; for comics, I just censor certain stories in some of the more grown-up ones.
One thing I didn't mention before, which governs my choices somewhat, is that I also think that it is good for a child's imagination to have powerful imagery lurking down in the subconscious. Along these lines, for example, my son loves the movie "War of the Worlds" (this is a good example of something I let him watch with hefty doses of censorship) and has for some time now. Just because something has elements of the strange, powerful, macabre, etc. doesn't mean it's necessarily bad for children in my opinion-- in fact the stranger the better, in my view, as long as it's still reasonably near the comfort zone of the kid. But here again, of course, you have to know your kid and her specific hot-button topics, etc.
In general, though, I guess I want to respect and honor her strong reactions to the sadness and pain of the world, not desensitize her such that she no longer is bothered.
And I respect and honor your choice. Odds are good that she will turn out just fine; I don't think for a moment from anything you've written that you're harming her. I also knew I would draw a certain amount of flack for what I wrote, but I still thought I'd throw it out there. I consider myself to be pretty extreme in what I will let my son watch, but it has been a long gradual process getting here, he is doing well with it, and he's now a sci-fi junkie which implies certain themes will be present in much of the material.
