It's a mismatch, plain and simple. There are parents somewhere out there with whom her energy would not be out of place. Most of us only wish we had that level. You are probably a great fit in lots of other ways: empathy level, intelligence, etc.
Like my mile-a-minute brother she will probably end up a CEO. Or ER physician, educator, etc, where that level of intensity is wanted and needed and where she might possibly feel more at home than she ever did as a child (no offense intended to your home, but you should just see my brother in middle-age, when he gets home after work, elated and relaxed at the same time, then has to make an important call to keep the endorphins going - he never maintained that level of happiness all day as a kid, as a kid he was often bored and seldom in enough control of his immediate future).
DH and I have a mismatch with our DS -- it's not so much the level of intensity during the day though he can be intens -- it's that he just doesn't need to sleep as much as I do and only about the same amount as DH. There is simply no time when he's naturally just not around. We're trying to compromise. We often go to bed before him. He knows to wait until 7 to wake us up. I have to sleep, it's just not something I can do without. We also have a hour of quiet time every day. I start that time tired and irritable and by the end of it I'm about an hour short of being ready for the rest of the day with him.
It's truly a compromise. He's not really quite happy with being awake alone at 11:30 at night, and I'm not quite happy with only an hour of quiet time.
I suggest some similar type of compromise with your DD. For example sit down with her and say you wish you had her energy and that you think you would have more energy if you had a rest time at some point each day. Try a written schedule perhaps, with family times and personal times. Nothing that makes her feel excluded of course, but something that gives time for everyone to have quality time with eachother or by themselves. Perhaps a weekly mommy-daddy dinner night where she eats earlier and you and DH have your own relaxing dinner alone (at home) while she does her own thing. A routine is a lot easier to stick to than repetively saying, "I'm sorry hon, that's really interesting but dad and I are trying to talk right now" repeated over and over with a increasing level of inner tension on everyone's part.
As far as her getting overly wound up at other people's houses... you could consider limiting the play time to an hour, or whatever she can cope with to not get too over-charged, when it's going to be indoors in someone else's home. If the parents are mentioning anything at all it's probably way more than they can take.
So perhaps shorter play times at their houses and save the longer ones for your house for right now. She may just not be ready for multiple hours of most-mature-behavior in a row, it's just something to be practical about and incorporate into the playdate planning. Maintaining a stable energy level as part of being a polite house-guest is a important skill to learn and easier to master with short time periods.
If you haven't done so recently, you might explicitly tell her to play with the other child, that she is not going over to chat with Mrs. So and So. That even if the parent acts polite or seems interested they likely have a lot of things they need to do. Because you respect her opinions and because she's bright she may have the idea that other adults want to hear what she has to say. Unfortunately that is usually not a true statement. Bright kids often rub adults the wrong way simply by interacting with them, even in the calmest way, and if she limits her conversation with the adults there she may not wear out her welcome nearly so quickly.
The school -- GATE sounds like a great idea, hope that works out.
Sorry that got so long.
Polly
