1. Do any/many of you have OEs?
Yes. I am frequently told not to think/care/plan/worry/do/feel/empathize so much, but I don’t want to be less...I want others to be more, or for them to at least meet me half way. I often feel like I understand and empathize with others, but there’s no reciprocity. It’s up to me to validate and care for myself (on top of being a sounding board and source of advice for others). The lack of positive feedback and accurate social mirroring also makes it that much harder to respect my own thoughts, perceptions or instincts, which I mostly keep to myself.
2. Are you sufficiently stimulated in your current environment?
God, no. I’m dying. I have always felt like a caged cheetah at work, despite changing jobs every 2-3 years, always in the pursuit of the ever-elusive challenge/stimulation. I am at constant risk of depression as a result, but do my best to stave it off by continuing to strive (taking classes, developing new skills, applying for stretch positions), even when my career seems hopeless, and by trying to put my eggs in other baskets. I am slowly coming to accept that work will probably never provide the challenge, stimulation or satisfaction that I so desperately need, and that I will need to satisfy many of my cravings to produce, create, give and do through hobbies and volunteer opportunities. Still, it sucks to have 40 hours of torturously dead time in my week.
I am also realizing that I can’t spend my whole career waiting for employers to mentor me (“I pay you, isn’t that enough?”), promote me, wake up to what I could do for them and take appropriate advantage of my potential. I have a long history of resenting my bosses for having such ridiculously low expectations of me and failing to appreciate my abilities, but I'm learning that that's my problem, not theirs, even if they're at fault. Again, it’s up to me alone to care for me and improve my crappy lot, but unfortunately the only real power I seem to have is to quit, which I do, over and over again. Changing jobs often does at least satisfy my need for novelty, but at the expense of developing expertise
3. Do you ever feel a bit odd?
Every minute of the work day. My coworkers, who by conventional measures are more successful than me—more happy, cheerful, content, confident and popular—often strike me as so vacuous and superficial that I have to filter and bite my tongue constantly. They seem to accept most things at face value--don’t question things or appreciate irony, and take any sort of critical thought as negativity. On the plus side, they are so far to one extreme that they make me proud to be a nerd. I’d rather be unhappy and unpopular than have a pleasantly shallow existence.
I also have to constantly dial back my standards and expectations. It feels like there’s a standard formula or adjustment I need to apply to my approach to most things to avoid scaring people off or making them uncomfortable. And yet, I still often fail to scale back far enough. On my first day back at work this week, I was called out in a meeting for accurately and appropriately using the word “subsumed” (“Is that really a word, or did you just make that up?”), bringing the entire discussion to an awkward, embarrassing halt. Sigh.
4. Do you share all of your thoughts with anyone?
I am now! 99% of the time, no, and the isolation and loneliness is killing me. I can’t even really talk to my husband, who is gifted, but not to the extreme that it makes you a social and emotional freak. I am learning to expect only so much of him—that no single person could ever truly understand me or be all things to me/that we’re all ultimately alone—which takes some of the pressure off of him, but also heightens my responsibility for finding others with whom I can relate.
I do have one exceptionally gifted friend from college who I can talk to, but she’s in another state. I get most of my comfort, support and nurturing from books, but of course, you can’t talk to them. Fortunately, I have recently joined an extremely quirky meetup group that I think might actually include my peeps and offer some true intellectual comradery. The first meeting I attended was so electric that I felt like I had been in solitary confinement for years and someone had just opened a window.
I also relate to almost everything posted above, especially the compulsive drive toward self-improvement and learning. Great thread!
