Can2K, are you in the process of getting an official diagnosis for your ds? Once you have that, you'll be able to get accommodations in school and it will also give you a firm foundation as a starting base for a dialog with teachers and your ds when things like this happen. As your ds gets older and able to advocate for himself, it will give him that same foundation.

It also will give you a starting place for understanding what accommodations should be in place - I wonder a bit about having him graded off for messiness on handwriting practice if he's got DCD and/or visual processing issues - that might be something that he can't help without OT or vision therapy etc.

For now, I'd reassure him that you've talked to the teacher and what she is saying applies to the students who don't have a challenge with (however you describe his challenges to him at this point in time). You might also consider having a meeting with his teacher and your ds and you where you can both reassure him that when the teacher is talking to the class about neatness and marks she isn't talking directly to him, and review what her expectations for his work are.

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The problem is that telling DS points are deducted for messiness is the wrong thing to say _to him_. He will spend all his time trying to fulfill that expectation and not get the actual work done, or miss recess to finish the work, or be mad at himself. He already comes home and tells us all his artwork is bad, that he failed at this or that project. It makes me so sad.

This was an issue for our ds in early elementary too - the feeling frustrated with how his work looked compared to other kids. He also refused to even attempt a lot of work or would crumple it up in frustration - partly because of how he felt it looked bad, but also partly because it was actually really difficult to use handwriting and we didn't realize it at the time. Missing recess to finish work that is difficult to do due to a disability is really tough for a kid who is struggling with the work - having to do the work is hard and frustrating to begin with, then they lose out on a break they most likely really need.

It sounds like you really need to get a good understanding of what your ds' challenges are, and get a remediation plan in place if possible, as well as appropriate accommodations so that he won't have to miss recess. He may still feel frustrated about how his writing looks, but he'll also know that you and his teachers are supporting him in learning how to deal with his challenge.

Best wishes,

polarbear