Hi

My DS7 (grade 1) has likely DCD (per the OT) and possible vision issues (convergence insufficiency). The school is aware of the DCD and has some accommodations on record for him.

Yesterday, DS came home worried about some homework he had submitted to his teacher - he said it was too messy and didn't want his teacher to see it. Apparently his teacher had told the whole class that they would lose marks on their work if it was messy. I don't think it was the same homework he handed in, but some work they were doing in class.

DH talked to him about it and told him not to worry too much about messiness - that his teachers had agreed that for DS, neatness should not be an issue (unless it is specifically a handwriting practise or something similar).

The problem is that telling DS points are deducted for messiness is the wrong thing to say _to him_. He will spend all his time trying to fulfill that expectation and not get the actual work done, or miss recess to finish the work, or be mad at himself. He already comes home and tells us all his artwork is bad, that he failed at this or that project. It makes me so sad.

How do we handle this with DS? Should we talk to his teacher (again!) and ask her about this?

I find it odd that in first grade a teacher would say something like that. I mean, do they get real grades?

However, I think that DS being unusually nervous in school about the work is something to talk to the teacher about. I am often pleasantly surprised at the response of teachers when you approach it from the position of how the child is feeling and can you get more information about what is going on in school, and then share how the child is feeling at home.

I hope you are able to figure out something that works for your child.

They get letter grades on their report cards. They are not doing tests or anything like that, but he did get graded on a class presentation. Not sure what else she's giving marks for.

Probably I should call her and clarify what actually happened in class. Hate to be 'that parent' - but I guess I already am.

I think that some teachers just don't realize how some kids take what they say to heart.

Yes, I hate to be that parent too, but like I said, I have been pleasantly surprised by the teachers and staff who really see that I am just concerned for the well-being of my child.

There may be four elements to this:
1) What a teacher says to the class as a whole.
2) What a teacher says to your son and/or what he takes from the message given to the whole class.
3) Working with your son to understand the teacher.
4) Working with the teacher to understand your son.

It may be a simple matter to discuss with your son that if you understand correctly from his explanation, the teacher advised the class as a whole about neatness. It would not be appropriate for the teacher to point out your son (and possibly others) to whom the message did *not* apply (or would apply differently) due to accommodations in place regarding neatness. You might then wish to help your son understand having a "filter" for what he hears so that he can appropriately determine whether a message applies to him specifically. This may encourage your son being able to develop a strategy other than worrying about what has been heard. Eventually he may be able to choose a quiet, private moment and ask the teacher if the message given to the class applied equally to him... hopefully he would hear that he is to do his personal best, just as each student is to do their personal best, and that the teacher understands that due to certain challenges his personal best might look a bit different from other students' work.

If this sounds like a plan and goals that might work for your family, then you may wish to talk to the teacher along the same lines, to get her input and ensure that you have a collaborative home/school plan which encourages your son to develop a filter, not internalize certain messages, feel comfortable talking to the teacher, eventually develop effective self-advocacy.

Can2K, are you in the process of getting an official diagnosis for your ds? Once you have that, you'll be able to get accommodations in school and it will also give you a firm foundation as a starting base for a dialog with teachers and your ds when things like this happen. As your ds gets older and able to advocate for himself, it will give him that same foundation.

It also will give you a starting place for understanding what accommodations should be in place - I wonder a bit about having him graded off for messiness on handwriting practice if he's got DCD and/or visual processing issues - that might be something that he can't help without OT or vision therapy etc.

For now, I'd reassure him that you've talked to the teacher and what she is saying applies to the students who don't have a challenge with (however you describe his challenges to him at this point in time). You might also consider having a meeting with his teacher and your ds and you where you can both reassure him that when the teacher is talking to the class about neatness and marks she isn't talking directly to him, and review what her expectations for his work are.


This was an issue for our ds in early elementary too - the feeling frustrated with how his work looked compared to other kids. He also refused to even attempt a lot of work or would crumple it up in frustration - partly because of how he felt it looked bad, but also partly because it was actually really difficult to use handwriting and we didn't realize it at the time. Missing recess to finish work that is difficult to do due to a disability is really tough for a kid who is struggling with the work - having to do the work is hard and frustrating to begin with, then they lose out on a break they most likely really need.

It sounds like you really need to get a good understanding of what your ds' challenges are, and get a remediation plan in place if possible, as well as appropriate accommodations so that he won't have to miss recess. He may still feel frustrated about how his writing looks, but he'll also know that you and his teachers are supporting him in learning how to deal with his challenge.

Best wishes,

polarbear

With my older son sometimes a teacher in elementary school would send him to the next teacher over, front office, clinic for a fake errand (the adult would have him wait for a few minutes while he/she looked for a paper) while his teacher "discussed" behavior situation and consequences if they didn't improve to the agreed upon solution. My son couldn't handle discussions like this.

Also, I see all the time at my younger son's school that teachers will make a comment to an entire class but also qualify that if you have any type of plan that makes what he/she just said not in accordance with the plan to ignore what she just said. (Thinking of a teacher who was in the computer lab...everyone has 5 more minutes on this quiz, if you have any kind of time accommodations keep working...you know who you are.) But I have heard them say to a couple of individual kids "Listen to and read the directions in general, but I am going to come over after everyone has started working and we will decide what your assignment will look like and how we will accommodate you...so don't panic over what is written here." Then they work with the child to individualize it

I second Indigo's advice and Cookie's observation--as a teacher I'll say the offhand "you know who you are" exception to not put kids on the spot. Then I'll check in with them privately. But for little assignments a personal filter is good, as a teacher may not make it over to check in about it.

Right St. Margaret...I think sometimes kids get tired of being singled out as having ESOL, 504, and IEP plans. But then again I know they appreciate the extra time. With something like that being able to say the regular time limit is up stop working unless you have time accommodations. Those who don't sign off your computer and line up at the door quietly. Those who are using extra time, come back when you are done.

But I do know that my older son does tend to panic...he does (or did when he was younger) need some qualifiers "this does not apply to YOU" One of the worst things was filtering through when a teacher was mad at the entire class and he had done nothing wrong. He couldn't say to himself that she wasn't talking about him personally and think happy thoughts and ignore her rant. Or an assignment that we agree to modify and then she would mention it again and he would think the modification had been changed. I would say NO we have an agreement that you are doing just the odd numbers she isn't talking to you, she is talking to the other 20 kids.

i was like that. I could know I was completely blameless and still feel guilty. By the end of school I thought I was somehow responsible for stopping bad things happening. A couple of times ds5's (guess six as of today) teacher has sent emails asking parents to be sure their kids learn their spelling words and my first thought was it was addressed to me!

Oh, man, I know I felt the same, and my DD blames herself for everything, too. I think it takes a while to develop that filter, and perfectionistic kids may need help doing so.

I teach high school, so the kids are much more self-advocates by then, and hyper-peer-aware, so I never reveal IEPs etc (privacy laws, too).

During rehearsal for holy communion, the sacristan yelled at the whole group of kids, some of whom had been vey rude, that if they weren't going to shape up, she'd cancel the whole thing. DS, whose behaviour is exemplary at these occasions, was devastated. It took a while till he believed me that cancelling wasn't going to happen. Thy never think about what these empty threats do to the more sensitive kids.

Indeed, there's never a greater injustice for the well-behaved than to punish them for the actions of the rest of the group, which they did not participate in, and which they have no power to control. It sends a message, too: "Why bother following the rules? I'll just get punished anyway!"

This is why I draw a sharp distinction between treating people fairly and treating them equally. They are two very different things.

Punishing the whole group is just laziness on the part of the authority figure, because it's easier than dealing with the varying levels of misbehavior on the part of multiple individuals.

Agreed. Not a fan of collective punishment.

Oh but "leadership" a quality that you need checked off on your gifted check list