Dubsyd, there will be better answers with more specific advice than I have coming up soon, but in case you're still on line in these early hours of the morning (here at least), I wanted to send a hug. A really, really, big one. You're not alone.
There's times I've felt like "this isn't what I signed up for" and am overwhelmed by the fact that our children are every moment of every day forever and there's just no sending them back. And I wanted to.
And these are things you just can't say about your children, which makes it even harder. And when no one can understand why you feel this way - because you created this super-challenging being with your own bad parenting and if you only did X like everyone else did, you wouldn't have these problems... it's really lonely too.
But IT GETS BETTER. Slowly, painfully, but truly. It really does. Every month that goes by, there are things which just used to be impossible which now are unremarkable and you don't even notice the change. There's a thousand little things which used to catalyze meltdowns that I don't even have to think about any more, like which dishes I put out or how I cut the toast or whether we have to leave another playdate because he won't use the washroom. Some days, I stop and try and list as many of those things as I can, things that used to be so hard and are now so easy. It always amazes me how many of them there are, and the list is always growing, still now at 10 and 8.
And as the behaviours happen a little less, and a little less, with every month it is also that much easier to see the truly extraordinary little beings lurking within that behaviour, experiencing the world in some crazy hyper-drive technicolor that is so overwhelming for them, but so incredible as they get more and more able to share with you what they perceive and how they think.
Hang in there - and hang in here, where's there's nothing you can't say. This too shall pass, and you will make it, and your DS will come out that much stronger and more extraordinary for each step of learning to manage to exist in this world. And as Chay said in another thread, wine is good, too.
