You all are just amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my rambling post and then post such thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it and it makes me feel much less alone in trying to sort all this out in my head.
Loy58 - Thank you for sharing your experience, it was valuable to read. To be honest, I've read an embarrassing number of parenting books and never found one that was helpful in working with my son. He is maturing (slowly) and we are finding our groove in working with him. What works for him doesn't work for my daughter, and vice versa. You are absolutely right that the teacher-fit matters more than just about anything, especially with my son. This is year two for him at this private school and both years he has been fortunate to really connect with the teachers - both have been really fantastic. We are keeping our fingers and toes crossed that his Kindergarten teacher will also connect with him just as well. Excellent teachers can be found both at private schools and public schools - it is the luck of the draw, either way.
LRS - Homeschooling has always been in the back of my mind as an option, but our preference would be to have a school setting that works for him. So glad to hear your son likes CTD! That's what my kids are doing this summer. My son took his first Saturday class last session (he isn't enrolled this session) because they offered astronomy and he is obsessed (intensely obsessed) with space. He loved it - we lucked out and had a great teacher! Last year he did the Leapfrog program in the summer. Loved one class, hated two. It had everything to do with whether or not he liked the teacher. CTD seems to offer a lot of great resources that we keeping in mind as the kids get older.
Dude - I agree with what you are are saying, it depends on the child. My parents used the technique of never telling me I was smart, and when I asked about test scores they would say that most kids at my school scored the same (99+ percentile). It left me feeling so isolated and confused. I struggled to connect to same-age peers. It was frustrating and lonely. Now, I don't want to project all of my experience onto my kids --- but with my daughter I could see her heading in the same direction. Telling her that she is smart - not in a praising way, but just in a factual "this is something about you" kind of way - has already had a positive impact. If a child were gifted athletically, a parent wouldn't hesitate to tell the child he or she is naturally strong or fast and to him him or her build on that. When it comes to intelligence, though, people (including me!) get very reluctant to even mention it.
Master of none (and others discussing the issue of telling a child he or she is "smart") ---- Let me put this "you are smart" thing into context, at least for me personally. I've now mentioned my daughter's intelligence to her twice in her entire life. She struggles with confidence, especially shying away from letting her friends know how much she reads (both loves reading and has the ability.) Both times I mentioned it her it, it was in a natural context... not just random "praise". It was presented as factual... Once it was because at Sunday School they were talking about special gifts that God gives people (spiritual gifts). My daughter asked me if she had special gifts too. I told her that, like all God's children, she did indeed have special gifts. I told her that He gave her a kind and loving heart and he gave her intelligence. I told her that God has a special plan for her life (as we believe He does for everyone) and that I couldn't wait to see how she would use her gifts as she grows up. That was that.
(Sidenote: sorry to to get all "churchy" on you folks here.
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The second time, she was sitting and reading while I was making dinner. She put down the book and said in the grumpiest way possible "No one wants to read Magic Tree House at school." Then she said "No one CAN read Magic Tree House books at school, they only want to look at baby books." We talked a bit about it, and the conversation was basically that some kids are more interested in art, or music, or other things. I told her that she is an excellent reader, I'm glad she loves reading as much as I do. OK. Now that I type that out, I realize I didn't actually say "you are smart" this time. But I did tell her she is an excellent reader... so I guess I'm counting that still as the second time I told her she was smart because - to me - reading seems like an innate ability in her. We provide the books, but she seemed to come "pre-installed" with the ability to read.
I constantly hear parents praising their children for innate qualities - especially physical appearance or natural athleticism (not skill). No body blinks an eye when someone tells their child "Oh, you are so strong!" or "You have the prettiest eyes!"
Basically, my goal in telling my daughter that she is smart is that I want to her to understand that everyone is different... and that's OK. We can embrace the things that make us different, and build on them as strengths. They aren't something to hide or be ashamed of - it's all part of what makes her
her.
I am sure I sound defensive... and that is probably because I feel all kinds of doubt as to whether not I am doing the right thing in telling her that she is smart. It seems that both times, though, she responded positively and her confidence has grown a lot in the past couple of months. (Which may be coincidental, to be fair.)
I gotta be honest folks... I have no idea what I'm doing.
But I love my kids and I'm trying to do what is best for each of them, individually.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts - I really appreciate hearing input and experiences from everyone here!
