Well, for me, the gloves mostly only come off in an emergency or if I'm with others who can keep up. Otherwise in group problem solving, I lead through questions. But it is a style I developed starting in like third grade, and am constantly revising.
Much of such things can come from verbal and non-verbal cues. Like what do you do when you become highly engaged in a topic or have a solution? I've known myself to send off some intense vibes, like sitting on the edge of my seat, leaning forward, reduced blinking, raised voice volume. Or if you are in hot pursuit of an answer, are you firing off a series of questions to different people?
Do you by habit correct people (grammar, minor factual points, logic flaws)? Correcting intimidates people, and some people just do it without thinking and with the belief they are being helpful. Though in practice it tends to stifle and make people anxious and unconfident.
It's a rough balancing act, as if you go too far the other way then you can waste a lot of effort contextualizing solutions to build trust.
Yes!!
Often, though, what I (or DH) consider "emergency" involves the level of risk, not the temporal imminence of the threat, if that makes sense.
I
know that I can come off as abrasive sometimes when I do that. But I figure that I can live with that, and I can't live with someone following the stupid-train when it stops at brain damage or possible fatality to their kids or themselves.
I just know going in that opening my mouth is going to blow my cover and make me seem like a horrible, pushy person.
As Dude notes, you ultimately can't control it. It's a zero sum game on some level-- either you get to be YOU, speed, insights and all, or they get to feel cozy about you, even though you're clearly way different from them.
The latter only works when I'm willing to hide some of the 'shine' from the brain. KWIM? As soon as I unmask-- I make others insecure. It is what it is, and communication style alone doesn't change their own SELF-perceptions, which seem to be at the root of the problem.
