I would again suggest the Transforming the Difficult Child book. I can't see authoritarianism working well for a kid like this. I would say that given what you say it is even more important to have few rules, and to perhaps focus on one behavior at a time so it isn't as hard to be consistent. But I hope there is some way you and your dh can find some more common ground. It can be hard on everyone when parents are not on the same page.