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I'm going to observe, here (not that I have a good answer, it just echoes some of my DH's thoughts and mine)--

life as an endless test/checklist-- YES. But... clearly we don't approach life that way, so where did this notion come from? School, that's where. Schools now are so far down the rabbit hole of testing-testing-testing and prep-for-testing the rest of the time that it is no wonder that for a child whose "job" is school, that becomes a central focus in their world view.


Unfortunately, most of this can't be ameliorated (not even close) with a pithy or uplifting phrase. When I realized that maybe most of my DD's problems were perfectionism in various guises... and then further realized that it was socially-prescribed perfectionism at work, I dug-- HARD-- into the relevant literature on the subject so as to know how to help her.

I'm sorry to say that there isn't a lot out there. They have to want to be different, and by the time you recognize that you have a problem (and not just a high-achieving kid who loves excellence-- and why discourage excellence??)... this is likely a central part of your child's self-image.

Best advice, therefore--

Expect glacial progress.

Expect that you'll be needing a stable of different responses tailored to dealing with a perfectionist.

Expect that others-- really, the world as a whole-- will undermine your efforts at every turn.

Trust your gut-- and check it often.

Don't blame all problems on perfectionism-- sometimes kids are just kids, and even when they aren't, they may well have other real issues in play-- like an undiagnosed LD.



All of that said, we do have a list of do's and don't's for dealing with our perfectionistic DD (some of this applies ONLY to socially-prescribed perfectionism and would be quite toxic for other types of perfectionists):

a) do not force the child to therapy if they are unwilling, as this is a message to a perfectionist that there is something "wrong" with them (as long as they think that and aren't willing, several therapists have implied strongly to us that it may well do as much harm as good)

b) choose your battles wisely. Not everything requires 100% effort, and "good enough" can be a real goal-- my key question is "Are you pleased with it?" (if the answer is yes, then good enough)


c) procrastination can be about a LOT of different underlying things-- after all, I procrastinate about mopping my kitchen floor, too... so it's not like it's all about fear of failure. LOL! Determine what it's about if something doesn't add up.

d) DO NOT coddle a perfectionist. DO NOT. They interpret this as a signal that they are incompetent, deep down, and that they need to work harder to HIDE that fact... they may even twist it into "my parents are disappointed in me" instead of the comfort that we intend.

e) Failure is always an option, and there are a million ways to do it, and an infinite number of ways to do it-- don't rescue/insulate a perfectionist from the results of his/her actions. Particularly when they have a chance to taste real failure. They need to see that the world doesn't end when it happens.

f) realize that while a perfectionist isn't consciously aware of all of their coping mechanisms-- they ARE, in some sense, voluntary. I do not treat my DD's perfectionism the way that I would anxiety or her other physical limitations. I push on the perfectionism. Sometimes I push hard on it; children vary tremendously, however, and this is why I suspect that ONLY parents/family/close friends may be in any position to know what their perfectionist can tolerate. But in any case-- push the envelope. They can do better; it's not like dysgraphia or a learning disability, so we don't treat it that way.

g) when my DD has an altercation with the outside world over some facet of performance, my first question is about the validity of her assessment of the situation. I ask to see evidence to support her version of things. "I failed" is sometimes her interpretation of a 78% on a quiz, and "the teacher doesn't like me" is occasionally the result of blunt criticism for not using complete sentences on a test. This means putting the momma bear suit away. If I think that she had something coming, I tell her that. I'm seeing my role as "helping her learn to deal with the world," not protecting her from it.


So what do we do-- actively-- to help our DD deal with her perfectionism?

* Opting out of potential failure isn't an option for her. Yes, we respect her interests, aptitudes, and ability-- but beyond that, it's NOT okay for her to chicken out of something that we know she would probably want to participate in otherwise.

* We're quite matter of fact-- and HONEST-- about appraisals of performance... but just as often, we remind her that opinion about subjective criteria is an "eye of the beholder" thing to begin with.

* I actively attack what I know is running through her head. When she is thinking; "Oh, if I'd had more time, it could have been perfect," I will say; "I guess we'll never know what a good faith effort would have looked like there. Too bad you procrastinated and lost that opportunity."

* I point out that what others actually think of her may well be impacted by her perfectionistic behaviors, all right... but probably not in the way that she wants. She winds up LOOKING like a prima donna and a complete FLAKE who can't be bothered to respect activities/assignments/institutions that others put time and energy toward. I do not sugar-coat that. When you're perpetually making excuses, that looks BAD to others. This particular point is only something that works with socially prescribed perfectionists, by the way-- because that is what matters to them; THEY believe that they are complete failures (imposter syndrome) and are mostly concerned with how they appear to others, and with hiding this 'truth' from themselves, too.

* smart isn't WHO you are-- it may be a part of what you are (female, 12yo, etc.) but that is not the same thing.

* learning is messy and PAINFUL sometimes... it takes a certain kind of courage to admit that you don't know something, so that you can LEARN IT.

* we are proud when we see DD act to overcome her perfectionism-- letting go of 'black-white' performance judgment in her mind, planning and-- genuinely-- doing a good enough job, being pleased (not sulky) with outcomes which result from such efforts, and failures that she learns from.


Our one sort of pithy phrase is from The Velveteen Rabbit-- It hurts to be real. (But it's still well worth it.)
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All that said, I played these head games with myself until I was well into college. I have no idea what flipped the switch and closed the door on that perfectionism. Not really. I just woke up and smelled the coffee one day, or something. I still use procrastination/red-lining as a motivational tool, but I never do the kind of things that I used to in which I'd self-sabotage with time. I still struggle sometimes with imposter syndrome.

What allowed it to go on so long was the insulation that my intellect allowed me-- and the fact that so few adults around me were really wise to what was under it all.