You do realize that she probably
is doing what she thinks is effective/necessary, right? A hysterical crying fit in the classroom is
disruptive, if you look at it from her perspective as a teacher, and a gentle reminder that "you're not the only person in the room" is
maybe not entirely out of line. I wouldn't say that such a thing is necessarily "shaming" so much as "look around you-- you are preventing anyone else from learning right now, too," or a kindly-meant reminder of the child's surroundings. I simply do not know, but I
do know that there is a huge grey area between "unconditionally loving and warm" and "cold and judgmental."
I'm going to ask you a pair of questions here that
may seem offensive, and that
truly isn't how I mean them. I'm going to mention it anyway because I have to keep myself in check in this same domain, and I'm trying to offer you ways to get a handle on the situation.
Is there ANY possibility-- ANY-- that your DS is picking up on your feelings, statements, etc. regarding this teacher? Even if you don't think it within the realm of possibility-- do consider it. I might ask someone else who knows you whether or not you "give off" any kind of vibe about this teacher. Her style seems
very much at odds with your own parenting philosophy.
ANY possibility that he is being inflexible and refusing to try things her way? Maybe because he feels that he has your tacit permission to do that (see above question)? Does your DS tend to be pretty flexible otherwise, or only when others tend to flex to meet HIM, or when their behavior meets somewhat narrow expectations? What range of interpersonal communication does he find acceptable? Is it pretty diverse? Dependent upon a "warm and nurturing" style (which is very clearly what he is accustomed to from home)?
Unless this is a teacher who is problematic for some percentage of families, the odds are reasonably good that part of this is a stylistic difference. I am getting the impression that you're framing this as "good/bad." Some gifted children are incredibly adept at picking up on our internal framing of things, and it's possible that this is a component of the situation as it stands. More on that later.
I still think this doesn't sound much like an emotional regulation problem in light of what you've posted... but it
is probably time to take a hard look at your son's BEHAVIOR-- without any emotional/causative/interpretive labels, I mean-- and ask what others might 'see' in it.
6yo refuses to demonstrate skills or follow directions, cries when pressed for compliance/participation.
What interpretations are possible for that factual set of events?
If nothing else, it will help you in terms of advocacy in the long run to have considered that other adults may be thinking X, Y, or Z when you are thinking A or B.
It's really not fair as parents to expect that others will see our children the way that we do. They aren't the same people with us that they are with others, to start with-- so it IS possible that the child the teacher sees
is not the child that you see at home. You probably already know if your child is highly manipulative, but honestly-- my DD would have been more than capable of manipulation of adults at this age. I say "probably" there because it has taken my DH over 10 years to figure out what I knew about her before she was three. He believes me
now, but there were many, many years when NOBODY else saw what I saw in her.
I'm cautious before assuming that her version of events is 100% accurate and complete. It's not that I'd have assumed she (or anyone else) was
lying, exactly... just that her desire for avoidance would quite readily lend itself to all kinds of quirky coping mechanisms, some of them almost unthinkably Machiavellian/Stoic/manipulative for a child that age.
My DD is a
lovely child with others (mostly). It's only with her intimate friends/family that she demonstrates some of her more appalling conduct. Usually. I also know a handful of children who follow the opposite pattern... which is quite toxic, since those parents legitimately have NO idea what their little angels are like with others. (shudders)
Why did I venture down this path, knowing that it probably comes across as at least somewhat offensive?
Because one
really should not assist perfectionist-inclined children in avoiding things they fear/dislike. I've made this mistake, in thinking that I was "rescuing" my DD from situations that
she indicated were horribly toxic for her. It wasn't until she tried this with her piano teacher that I cried foul (after all, I'd been
witnessing the interaction, and I
knew what her teacher was doing/saying to her). At that point, I took a long hard look at how she had been using me as a tool to escape situations that she found more challenging than she liked. She was using ME to shape her environment like the princess and the pea... It wasn't
consciously manipulative conduct on her part... but she definitely knew when her dad or I were the least bit uncomfortable with another adult, and she could play that like a Stradivarius by the time she was four or five.
My momma-bear impulses are very strong. Sometimes
too strong.
My way isn't the
only way... and sometimes it isn't always the "right" way for my DD, either. It's taken me a long time to let go of that, though, and let her learn from other adults, even those that
I would find (personally) quite difficult to work with, or with whom I disagree. (I find it hard to let go with adults that I think are too "soft" on my DD, personally.)
Have you asked your DS what
he is willing to take ownership of, in his interactions with the teacher? I would definitely do that. If his answer is a sulky denial that he is responsible for his behavior, well, then that isn't accurate, either, right?
He
is choosing not to comply with the teacher's instructions. He is
capable. (right?) He's refusing, which is a different matter. (This refusal indicates either lack of
ability or lack of maturity to other adults, in all likelihood, so he's really not helping you-- and as much as I didn't WANT to do it, I did start letting my DD know when her behavior was getting in the way of my advocacy for her at about this age. IMMV, of course.)
Ask what his behavior is accomplishing, and follow the threads. Why is he willing to pay the "cost" for the behavior? What is the payoff? Why is that a reasonable price in his mind? Is it autonomy? Something else about the classroom environment?
Bottom line:
if she is truly an awful and incompetent teacher, then no reasonable parent would continue sending a 6yo into her care day after day. If that is NOT the case, exactly, then can you find a way to work WITH the teacher so that your DS can, too? If you can't re-frame things in a way that allows for her methods to be "reasonable" and at least neutral in your mind, you're probably better off pulling him, regardless of which of you is "right." Nothing good can come of putting your DS in the middle of that.
(BTDT, by the way.)
Again, my apologies because I
strongly suspect that I will have touched a couple of nerves with this post. I'm truly not judging you either way, nor suggesting that your son needs to "toughen up" (my goodness NO). Please know that.
I'm very sad for the clear distress this situation is causing both you and your child.
