DH is uncomfortable telling people, especially his family, about DS's ASD diagnosis. I think it's important we do (D'uh, but especially because I think it might give us an excuse to make some firm rules about stuff like not changing plans 12 times or comparing certain behaviors to other kids').
This is not something you have to tackle all at once.
In our early days of dx, we felt that it should be kept private; it was DS's medical information, and I wanted him to be able to be private about it later. We simply didn't share it for quite a while, except with my parents (who understood and who are the first-line caregivers if something ever suddenly happens to DH and me). That gave me time to read and read, and adjust my thinking, and also to fight with school and put something workable into place.
We are still selective with distant family. My sister is in the know; most others (great-grandparents, cousins...) know that DS is wicked smart and immature, and that we're working on it.
I wonder if John Elder Robison's book "Be Different" would be helpful reading for your DH. Robison's very articulate about what skills need mastering, and how to have a really nice life with AS. He also has a good blog. (Personally I find Temple Grandin a difficult model; she has a very rigid idea of what autism is, that doesn't really fit our deal. YMMV.)
The bloggy writing of Emily Willingham and Landon Bryce is also helpful in cultivating a positive attitude. We are not rah-rah "neurodiversity" activists; but we have adopted some of that language about disability and difference into our household. Autism is a disability to the extent that it is holding you back; but if it's not holding you back, it's a difference. Our goal is to help you master the skills you need, so it's not holding you back. And so on.
Over time, we have found that more and more people in our community need to know.
In 3rd grade, it emerged that peers were scared of DS; they needed to learn about his disability. This was handled skilfully by a trusted teacher; it's not perfect, but overall it has been far better for DS to be "out" to peers than not.
DS10 is just back from his first Boy Scout camping trip without one of his own parents in attendance. This absolutely required-- for DS's safety-- that the scout leaders understand his deal. Telling others what they need to know helps them understand and forgive atypical behavior, and to be supportive instead of punitive when they see a kid struggling. Anyone who's in charge of our DS without us present gets some amount of information, not the full picture, but what they need.
(He actually has mild ASD himself, but I don't think he's really digested that little detail. So do I, for that matter, but I "pass" well, I think he thinks I'm an exception too, but DS's symptoms are significantly less than mine at similar ages. Sigh.)
Which means you both probably need to give yourselves a little extra time and space to think through this major change in plan. Your DS is going to need you to have a positive attitude and a well-worked-out way of talking about autism. You can't get there overnight, however. Takes practice.
I'd highly recommend making it part of the family conversation-- so that "autism" is not a bad word, it's a word that describes certain challenges, and not uncomfortable for your DS to hear and use that word. In time, that will enable your DS to be an advocate for himself-- "this is hard for me because of my autism, so I'll try it another way, or try harder, or get permission to revise the task."
HTH, hang in there,
DeeDee
