Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Help! Relocatin w/ HG "tween"

Hi all,

I am really hoping for some "been there, done that" stories. We have 4 kids. My oldest is a HG 10 1/2 yr old. He has fairly severe anxiety and mild ADHD. He is in a FT GT program that we LOVE. He has TERRIFIC friends and very happy.

My dh needed to move on with career so we are moving across the country in a few months. To NC from the midwest. My ds will be in another GT program just like he is now. So far as school goes it will remain the same. Although, the program is located in a more diverse type of city school than he's used to. It might be a bit of culture shock. He'll begin 5th grade next year.

My main concern is his anxiety. He is devasted about the move. Scared of leaving friends, making new ones, etc. Upset that my husband wouldn't just stay at his current company (even though the environment there continues to go down hill.) DS can't imagine he's going to make as good of friends, etc.

My husband (Mr. Analytical) thinks that ds will be just fine once we are settled. ds's therapist also said that most of this is "anticipatory anxiety" and that it will be easier after the move.

I'm not so convinced he will be ok. Maybe I'm just too emotionally connected. I don't know. I am worried sick about my ds (obviously his anxiety was inherited from his mama....)

On top of it all, I am left to parent all the kids for a few months since dh went on ahead of us. I am really struggling to believe it will all be ok for my kids. Especially the oldest. Any advice?

Thanks!

Take a deep breath. Your DS will adjust.

Here is an idea that might help. Talk to his gifted teacher and counselor at his new school. Have them pick 2 "buddies" in the program that will act as his guides in his new school for the first couple of weeks.

Also, you can talk to the parents of the buddies and set up a time to have them come over and hang out, or go to a park or something.

Maybe they can even e-mail him before he comes- telling you son all about the school.

Having a contact person or 2 always makes it easier on teens and tweens.

Well, I suppose your DS gets his anxiety from his mom. OK, terrible, I know. So sorry!!!

We all worry about the unknown, and it makes it worse when our kids worry too. But you are very lucky to find a school with a program similar to the one he's in now. Yes, it's going to be a huge adjustment, but he will be fine!!! With the internet and technology these days, it makes it easier for kids to stay in touch too.

Can you have a "going away" party for him and his friends? Or maybe have his friends make a video for him, so he can watch it when he's down? Or make one Saturday a month a "Skype Party" day, so he can chat with these friends? Does he have a cell phone yet? If so, allow him to call his friends on certain days or text them on certain days/times, etc...

DS7 was REALLY nervous about moving from K to 1st last year, but his K teacher had a big lunch with just him the Friday before he moved. And he went to her class in the mornings to say hello before he ate breakfast (at school). After 2 weeks, he stopped going to her class in the mornings because he had made new friends and liked his new teachers. So more than likely, your DC will be fine as well.

And for the record, my DS gets his anxiety for me too.

Spirited Momma
First of all I'm so pleased and relieved that you found a school for your son. What a relief!
The next step is to realize that you are the labratory for concerning anxiety. Master yours so you can eventually be a guide for your son. Unless staying where you are living and having a commuter marriage is an option then your first task is to start enjoying the journey. What has been useful to you in the past? What is your next thing to try?

Love and more love
Grinity

I think it is pretty reasonable that you are concerned about this. DS has a history of anxiety and moving is a HUGE thing in the life especially for an anxious kid. So, please don't be hard on yourself for feeling worried.

It is good your son is working with a therapist. Do you have a plan in place to connect him with someone when you move?

Is there any way that your son could 'meet' some of kids (or even teachers) from the new school who are interested in some of the same things he is through chat or e-mail before you move?

Having some personal connection already in place before he gets there would probably go a long way to making it easier on him.

Has your son seen the new neighborhood? If not, can your DH make a video of the area, including places and people that he thinks your son will like? Neighbors, restaurants, parks, museums, skating rinks, malls, arcades...anything that will get him looking forward to spending some time there. Even visiting the new area on Google Earth might be helpful. Generally, the more familiar people are with things, the more positive thoughts and feelings they have about them, so getting your son familiar with the new area may help him feel better about going.

We have moved a number of times since DD8 was born, and each time we let her take a little part of where we were leaving. For example, she has some sticks from her favorite tree at our last 2 houses, a paint stirrer with paint from her sister's bedroom (which she helped paint) at another house, some torn carpet from yet another place. Some rocks, whatever she really felt connected to.
We also let her go wild with her camera and got all of her pictures developed (yes, it is s film camera) before we left so that she could look at them on the trip to our new location.
We then have had to reexplain numerous times why we had to leave and why life at our new place will be just as good, if not better than what she had before.
We have found that it is actually easier to be the one leaving than the one staying behind when a friend moves. (Not that that is much of a comfort, but after a good friend of hers moved away even she realized that it was better to be the mover than the person staying behind.)
She also write letters to her friends from other places we've lived and we talk about them once in a while.
It can be tough, but it will all work out. (Lots of hugs and understanding empathy about being sad for moving away helps too - for both of you).
Good luck!

Thanks all. These are all great suggestions. We are planning to have a big going away party (although I don't know how I'll make it through watching the kids say their goodbyes....) The therapist also suggested taking lots of pictures. We will have to take something that reminds us of this current home as well.

Yep, the anxiety runs in the family:) I haven't been able to get a good handle on my over the years but still keep trying. I've been extra careful to make sure I'm hiding it from the kids (probably not as good as I think I am at that.)

I would like to move before school is out so he can visit the new school. We have never even been there. I think trying to connect with kids before the school year ends is a perfect idea. I'll get working on that right away.

My dh will be making a housing decision. scary... As soon as he narrows down the choices we are going to start sharing possibilities with the kids. Google Earth is a great idea.

I agree with Kerry that the friends left behind probably have it worse. We have a neighbor family that matches up very well with my younger 3 kids. They are together all the time. Also, a GT family so their kids have trouble connecting with most of the other kids nearby. They are going to be left very lonely. It's all sad.

Sometimes I wish we all weren't so mobile. I went to the same school my whole life and my parents still live in the same house! So change is not something I'm used to. It is an adventure but it's also a really big stressor. With ds's history of anxiety, it's just hard not to worry about him.

Thankfully I haven't had to move yet, but I do have a daughter your son's age (and 3 others). I think I would ask the kids how they would want to stay in touch with the people left behind. Would they like to try video email, writing letters with pictures included, maybe some supervised time on facebook with the other family or using other social media? Also talking about how they would like their new rooms arranged. Giving choices should help take some of the anxiety and replace it with some ownership or control of the situation that feels powerless at the time.