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This is a good article that touches on the subject:
http://talentdevelop.com/articles/sexhighlygftd.html

I would explain to your son that it would be a mature and caring act for him to look at backing off from this relationship in order to protect her from some potentially devastating consequences.

When I was 15, I went on a cruise with a friend's family. During the course of this cruise, a 23-year-old man decided he was in love with me. Why? Because of my intellectual maturity. That I could hold up conversations with him that very few people could. He tried to call me once I left the ship quite a few times, and my parents put their foot down. And, I am glad they did. I was not ready, emotionally, for things a 23 year old man wanted (not just talking physical intimacy). And to be honest, it shook me up long-term. I lost a lot of the confidence I'd once had about being able to handle all situations. I got nervous about flirting, because I didn't intend to have a man that age think that way about me.

I know 15 is not 16. And I am actually ok with even the idea of a 21 year old dating a 26 year old, lets say. But, I do think there are huge leaps in reality in those teenage years. And, I think a young man can be confused and flattered by having an older woman attracted to him. I agree with many people who say this is a subject to tread carefully on, but I wanted to give the perspective of someone who was in a similar situation.

I am not against an intense relationship with an adult. I formed a very strong intellectual bond with an adult when I was 13.

But what is appropriate and not appropriate? Email, meeting in public, hanging out with friends?

I just caution that he take it slow. In 18 months he will have a different perspective. I know I did. And the legal system will, too.

If she gets obsessive, then it is a different ball game.


I was approached by a pedophile when I was much younger. Pedophiles are predatory and exploitative. This woman does not sound like it. She is very open about her feelings and her relationship. Furthermore, the young man is functioning in an adult setting.



Obsessive. The pedophile who was after me was the same way.

On the other hand, my mentor when I was 13 asked to meet my mom after we met at a video game parlor. She was there and they talked for a while. He was very careful to set boundaries and make sure he was above reproach. An adult will do that.

Diane Lane said pretty much the same thing in one of her interviews.

It may be a terrible idea, but perhaps showing him this thread would help him see his situation from the various perspectives of some insightful adults. It would at least put some of your concerns on the table for him to consider.

That's a toughie because on one hand you have to be supportive of your growing son's chance to make his own decisions in life, even mistakes. On the other hand he is only sixteen and he wouldn't be ahead academically without the support of his family. It's very important that he not jeopardize his future with bad decisions this close to graduating. At sixteen I would be open to being emotionally supportive in case the relationship turned sour, but I wouldn't be very worried about it. Who marries their first sweetheart? It's rare. And heartache is a right of passage. I would worry at this point about an unhealthy or high-pressure relationship where they're moving too fast twords "engagement" or a family or an unhealthy relationship where his time becomes exclusively monopolized. Of course they will spend a lot of time togeather. That's not what I mean. You know what I mean.

I'm back again (I'll try and leave it alone now!!) Hear, hear to Mae's idea and to La Texan (who managed to say what I've been thinking much, much more succinctly than I). This weekend just gone I read this great quote from a woman (who is a gifted musician) who by her own admission had a somewhat wayward teen period (not suggesting this is the case here, just by explanation) who has turned out to be very successful and seemingly well adjusted. She talked about her very strong relationship with her parents, who always said to her "never go so far you can't come back". For kids of this age (and in instances like this) I actually think this is some of the possible advice you can give.

Right... will leave it alone now!

This is a very interesting thread, that has me looking back at my relationships. I am not as gifted as your son, but I have to say that I always felt much older than I was. I truly didn't feel my age and almost all of my friends were older than I was. No one I have ever dated was less than two years older than me and I truly felt the same age as they were. Obviously, looking back now, especially as a parent, I see risks with that. But, I think the only thing that kept me from a really overwhelming situation was logic. I was very aware of what the consequences of certain actions would be, long term. And so I would suggest having an open, warm, concerned talk with your son that balances both the emotional and logic. Tell him that you trust his instincts and that you can see why he would be so interested in this woman. And then carefully state your concerns. He seems, from what you said, mature enough to take your comments and process them. See what he thinks of the conversation. And then, if things still concern you in a few weeks, readdress it with him. But give him the chance to take ownership of the situation. BTW: you haven't said if he is living at home with you or if he is living on his own at college. If he is living at home you obviously can have more control of the relationship.

Like other posters, the thing that concerns me the most is the woman herself. The main red flag IMHO is that she was engaged to someone when she began having a relationship with your son. If she did that to her fiance, then your son should be aware that she could easily do that to him. Again, I think this is something you might *carefully* mention to your DS as something he should take into account. You might mention that he should be on the look out for other things about this woman, like her friends. And, I would definitely make him aware of the laws about relationships between teenagers and adults. If he decides that he'd like to get to know this woman better, then you may just have to trust him, right up until the point that you see something unacceptable, and then you will need to get more forcefull with your opinions.

I dated a few 21 year old guys when I was 16, and by senior year of high school (17) I was in love with a guy who was 22. We stayed together for over 2 years and were very serious. None of these relationships got physically intimate until after I graduated high school and turned 18. It seemed like boys my own age were children, and though I tried going out with a couple of them, it was far less personally meaningful and far more about the "couple" image we projected at school.

Funny, when I first read this thread, I was alarmed and taken aback, coming at it from the perspective of a parent. Life can really come back and kick you in the butt sometimes!

My final thought though, is that they should give him a couple years and then see if a romantic relationship is something they both want. If it's meant to be, it can wait.