Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Considering raising each kid different

Looks likes I must have too much time on my hands if I'm sitting here just thinking about what other people are thinking. �
"Gifted children shouldn't be raised any differently than any other kid". �I keep seeing that posted. �I can think of a few ways a gifted child should be raised differently. �If I believed my boy was less gifted I would be teaching him to rise to a challenge and persevere through a difficult task. �I believe he is super gifted so instead I teach him consistency, routine, following steps slowly rather than efficiently. �They don't want to know what he can do; what they want to know is if he can do as they say. �(this is to get him ready for schoolwork, obviously).
If I was raising a child I believed was less gifted I would try harder to teach him to think critically about right and wrong and justice and how not to let people manipulate you. �Because I believe he is super gifted I am instead focused on teaching him supreme self-control �because smart people are held to higher standards. He needs to always look like he kept control of himself, even when antagonized unjustly because he will be judged by different standards. �People will tell a smart child "since they're smarter" they should always be in the right so much so that when someone else else is intentionally wrong, the one who's at fault is the smart one for being involved, regardless. �I know some kids and even teachers will bait him and he will be judged by a higher standard. �

I've given this some thought. �I may be wrong and you all know my kid's very young. �I just really believe that's how the world is and it won't change as a whole to meet his needs. �But at the same time I believe the world has more to offer him than I do.
Super smart people don't need an iq score to be targeted this way, it's just the way the laws of nature show up. �So what then is this subculture of "I hate the word 'gifted"? �Granted iq tests only measure your ability to take a test, and only on the day it's given. �But, so? ��

I keep seeing this posted too, "you raise the kids you have, not the ones you've dreamed about". �Amen & Awo-men! �If every kid's raised the same I have to assume you mean if every parent treats all their own kids the same, you wouldn't say every parents the same. �Why would you treat every kid the same? �Are you not really looking at them? �Are you replacing them in your head with homogenized imaginary children? �This is more about making a relationship about you and how you want to act than about a relationship with a real live child.�

I'm not sure I agree with you. I think, as you said later in your post, that you teach the kid you have. But I also think that unless your kid already knows how to rise to a challenge and persevere through a difficult task, that you still need to teach that. It's a huge problem in our house. For DS6, most everything has come easily for him. When something becomes a little more challenging, he balks. I'm not so sure that teaching consistency and routine is the opposite of teaching perseverance - they are both useful in different situations. My hope in school is that through advocacy, we will not have to worry so much about learning to go through plodding tasks, but will have to worry more about how to deal with appropriate challenges.


I don't think these concepts should exclude each other either. Teaching critical thinking is extremely important. Gifted children will catch on earlier and need bigger challenges in this area, but why wouldn't you want to teach it? You can also teach self-control, but deal with issues like being held up to higher standards when you come to them.



This I totally agree with. But I do still think that you raise your gifted child the same way that you raise any child. The difference is in the timing - gifted kids will catch on to some things earlier -- and the depth -- gifted kids will want to understand more of many concepts. If you follow the lead of ANY child, I believe things will fall into place without worrying about avoiding or focusing more on certain topics because your child is gifted.

I'm with SPG. Critical thinking and perseverance are still on the list, even -- maybe moreso with the highly gifted. When the answers just don't pop into her head, DD's first inclination is to leave the task. She loves it when the answers just pop in, like some adrenelin high. But when she has to work through it and know the mechanics, is like I am torturing her.

I remember a friend turning to me in high school and asking, "are you going to use your brains for good or bad?" Because I was really smart, somehow I had that option -- like a cartoonish evil scientist.

DD learned to manipulate early, because she could. But kids may not be able to out strategize her, they know when they are being manipulated and there are a slew of lessons I need to teach her to get along in society and, in the future, in the workplace. Though I think medicine is probably the best career for the HG+. They get to be their own boss and pretend to be God.

A neighbor at the beach is head of pulmonary transfer at a IVY college hospital. Super rich people all over the world come to him and then after offer him vacations at their estates. I can understand how an HG+ kid could get into that.

Getting egos in line with expectations of life is a big challenge with these kids. Especially as they get it as we obsess with getting them the right education and acceleration. They think they deserve special treatment at 5 or 6 years old. That is lesson they will hold onto forever.

What happens when they meet a whole bunch of themselves at college? Well, depending what college they go to.

I think it is a real challenge to raise DD5 (almost 6) going into grade 1, who is a star at the Music School because she is talented and is 2 years ahead in math. She knows she got the 99th percentile for the public gifted school and a close friend only got 97th. And she qualified for DYS. Because I mentioned doing the test (really for CTY) that she could get into a club for the smartest kids in the country. My mistake.

Anyway, I am rambling.

Ren

I have a houseful of kids. They are all being raised differently, but they are all learning the same thing. You tweak the lessons to the child's learning style and the opportunities that present themselves, but hopefully by the time I'm done they will all have the same values, work ethic etc. Perserverence is the most important thing we teach our GT kids, the others come by it more naturally as they have to learn perserverence just to survive.

I haven't got that far yet. � I'm sure you're right and we're going to end up living the full range of the human experience. �Guess I just think they're going to set up obstacles and hinderences for him and I'd rather they not have any gimmes. �You know how they are(the dreaded THEM).�
The them in this situation is: Do you know that saying, "don't let the one saying it can't be done interrupt the one who's busy doing it"? �Well that's THEM, the nay-sayers and excuse makers. �They're sometimes cruel and prejudiced. And they don't like the bright kids regardless if there's an iq test or not. �Well my little list is the result of my little brain spinning it's wheels trying to find a way to make peace in advance. �Aye, I'm only thinking ahead to early elementary I guess.
I am willing to go to bat for him. �I just .. �I caught your rambling. �Ah-choo.
Just...why act like it's the gifted or the label gifted or the giftedness itself that's making the burden on everybody? �Intolerance is taboo anywhere else. �
I don't know why I'm complaining. �I guess I'm not complaining. �Guess ol' Buzz just needed some help and the way it was worded Spun me off on a tangent that had nothing to do with what they needed. � ��
A high sense of entitlement? � Yeah I got that too. �I didn't know that was related to my giftedness. �I thought that came from me being more stubborn than everybody. �

If we want to make it a bumpersticker "Embrace your hopes not your fears" would be the one I'm thinking as I read this. I think it is a huge mistake to parent based on fear and negativity. That is imposing negative on to your child's life that doesn't even exist and may never exist in his life. Yes, you could make every moment of parenting be preparing for the worst case scenario but doing that really puts a huge burden on everyone in the entire family.

I am the parent to a gifted teenager. We have not encounter cruelty, prejudice, or dislike of our gifted child. I am not denying that it may exist in the universe, but I am saying I would not start from the premise that your job is to change your child to avoid it. We've been fortunate to have wonderful teachers, mentors and friends who care about our child and about our family. They think it is fantastic to meet a kid who learns so readily and so eagerly and they've gone out of their way to kind and supportive. While I'm sure of that is just luck, starting from a very positive perspective doesn't hurt.

And, as far as your list I can't say I agree with even a little bit. Rising to a challenge, persevering, and critical thinking rank are all essential and traits that I've seen receive very positive response from others. I see absolutely no purpose to teaching a child to do work slowly for the sake of doing it slowly.

I've been teaching my guy differently from the start. �I've been guiding him to progress slowly and consistently. �Someone said I'm hothousing seatwork (?). �Maybe. �I was aiming for consistency and work ethic. �I wanted him to learn how to do things the slow and consistent way now while he's still young enough for me to show him painlessly. � �

One way I did this was by watching him do his first worksheets. �If he messed up one part he would try to scribble up the whole page. �I would take the page away and say, "wait, don't mess it up. �You have to finish all these other answers". �Then he would move on and finish instead of destroying the page over one little error.
When I decided I thought he was gifted I thought it was less important to encourage him to do his best and it became more important to teach him to just do his work, finish it, no excuses. �
Someone online told me that was cruel and he probably felt like I was punishing him for scribbling. �I don't think he felt punished. �I can't read his mind, so maybe. And it definately wasn't over scribbling. I don't care if he scribbles, just didn't think he should destroy his work over one little mistake. �I think I may have broke a bad habit before he could form it. �I later found out Carol Dweck's "incremental theory" lines up well with my plans to instill work ethic, and is an especially useful thing for gifted children to learn.

I don't know what I'm trying to protect him from. �When he gets a job he's going to need to be consistant. �When he goes to school he's going to need to be consistent. �He's brilliant, he's already going to have his shining moments, naturally. �

Sheesh, I sure was rambling on with that first post. Must have had some coffee that day. It's got like five opinions crammed in one little paragraph.:)

Gifted or not children are all individuals and have different needs. I think as parents it is reasonable to want to instil certain life skills in their child as well as certain values. For our family it those things include self worth, healthy boundaries (both personal and respect of others') and compassion (though I feel that this is largely developmental).Beyond that we (my partner and I) treat our respective children fairly but according to their unique needs.