Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Lack of independent play...

I have four children. Only one of the three was into action figures/toys and would spend hours playing pretend games or putting together lego structures etc. The other three require structure and/or interaction with others. I remember entertaining myself for days on end. I have tried to help foster this in my children but to no avail.
Anyone else have a similar experience? Advice? or thoughts on reasons behind this behavior?

My DS7 is very social and still doesn't play well by himself. He even tries to draw us into his video games! He is exhausting to me, an introvert, and the only way to disengage him is to have a friend around. DS1 will play with cars or blocks or watch TV or paint or otherwise occupy himself for refreshing blocks of time. My mom says it's because we spoiled our firstborn, but it seems innate to me. My firstborn is very much like my husband who would rather interact with anyone than be alone.

MAE, are you spying on me? LOL!

Yes, here too. Some children are just less inclined to do play by themselves. Just like some adults are.

My DS has gone through various stages of this over the years, less so when he has less TV time in his life. My DS is essentially a very social creature, but at times I need to be firm with my boundaries and say no when he requests that I play with him to save my sanity. I usually offer for him to do his chosen activity near me instead. Sometimes we can strike a deal where I play with him for 15 minutes and then can go and pursue my own things. Otherwise I get him to read to me while I continue on with whatever it is that I am doing, which he loves. I think all kids probably go through stages where they feel the need to connect with others, especially their parents, to feel secure. Big change, leaps in development etc are often big triggers ime.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone guys. The good news is that DS9 is able to play a lot of games that I enjoy like Scrabble or Othello. It is the requests from DD7 to "play kitties" that kill me. Going around on all fours and drinking milk from a bowl just doesn't do it for me...:-)

In our house, it's "talk for my stuffed animal." Which wouldn't be so bad, but she provides a (verbal, not written) script for me to follow.

LOL AlexsMom!

Actually my DS9 (not the kitty girl) and I have an elaborate "game" which centers around me making the stuffed animals talk. He calls the game Union in which the animals have formed a union in order to ensure that they all receive a fair amount of his attention as well as the things they need for their care and entertainment (magic non-melting iceberg for penquins etc.) There is a union boss named Mr. Cuddles and a waiting list for who gets to sleep with DS. Every night Mr. Cuddles and several member animals meet with their "young master" to discuss issues, current events etc. He has been known to rescue desperate animals from the "claw machines" often found in store entryways, hold weddings for animals so inclined and discuss the successes and failures inherent in attending summer camp. Each animal has it's own voice and personality and he has over 200 animals! Luckily he can remember the voices etc. when I can't.

It has actually been a great thing because he will discuss things with the animals that he would not necessarily discuss with me. Obviously he knows it is me but psychologically it seems to free him up.

Often we both end up laughing like crazy because the animals often have funny quirks - like the horse with short term memory issues.

DD7 is like your DD - the animals have to say what she would like them to say AND they even have to have the voice/name/personality she wants. No fun for Mom. LOL

On the other hand DD loves to bake and clean and shop and we have a lot of fun doing those things together.

I think it would be interesting to hear what kind of family games/activities our different families on here engage in...new thread idea anyone?

Breakaway

Breakaway and Alexsmom, so glad to hear this isn't just me - though concerning that perhaps it's not going to go away any time soon! DD4.5 also insists on DH and I doing animal voices, and giving us the script, or us pretending to be animals (in just the right way). And she must have undivided attention seemingly for every hour she is awake.

She also insists that we all take on characters from whatever book or TV show she is obsessed with and is furious if we forget to remain in character (which can change through out the day!).

Unless I am doing chores she is terrible at playing on her own (nothing else is acceptable - if I have to do some work, take a phone call etc, too bad). When she can see that I am physically busy she plays beautifully on her own and often doesn't want to stop - but this seems to be forgotten within minutes of me finishing up.

I can't stand make believe games (making animals talk, pretending to be a horse/dog/cat etc), I wish I could because she really does love them, but I just find them so tedious. DH is much better at them - but is also at work all week so hasn't been subjected to them day after day! I have (rightly or wrongly) explained to her that I think it is fantastic that she has such a wonderful imagination, but that my brain is not so imagination-y. I have said I will play that kind of thing for up to an hour a day (I often do more, but she's pretty good at accepting a time limit), but beyond that she is very welcome to play that kind of thing for as long as she likes while I do x. I explain that I'd rather play a board game, cook with her, read to her or her to me, draw with her, do puzzles etc. I also say that she shouldn't not play with the toys she really wants to just because I am not playing with them because then she misses out. I also do what Greengully suggested and say 'ok, I will do this for 15 minutes, then I am going to do x.' That works ok - but only really well if after the 15 minutes I am... doing chores

More recently I have started explaining that just as there are things that she wants/needs to do there are things DH and I need/want to do and that as a family we have to compromise a bit so that everyone can be more or less accomodated. She is starting to begrudgingly accept this.

Man it can be intense though. I am introverted too, and sometimes the constant talk (all of which requires a response) and her need for stimulation just gets overwhelming. Some times I escape to the study for a few moments to stare out the window for a few minutes - that is until I hear 'mmmuuuuummm, where are you?'

So..still happening at 7 you say. Oh dear!

In our case at least at age 7 the elaborate scripted pretend play has significantly subsided, thank goodness! I think he gets a his dose if it through Pokemon. We no longer have to play the fishie game every time we get into the jacuzzi, or have to announce the the judges' points and commentary for every catch he makes when we're tossing a ball around. And yes, being able to play board games at an adult level also helps us to be able to interact together in a way that is very satisfying to me. Even reading books to him is getting more fun for me as I am actually interested in most of them now (except the damn Pokemon books). And he will finally accept that I am sometimes busy or just don't want to play, though he uses those moments to negotiate for more screen time or candy or whatever else he thinks to throw out there. So even considering our extreme case of the extroverts there is a glimmer of light shining through now and it does seem to be getting easier and easier. One of the more annoying things he still does is burst into the bathroom with his mouth running. Argh. Though I must admit that similar to KVMum I sometimes use the opportunity to get a few minutes alone on my iPhone, I just need to remember to lock the door.

You people are terrifying me!