Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion More criticism and being misunderstood

This is the kind of thing we heard when my son was in kindergarten, but in addition to that, some people thought I had caused my son's disability by letting him read so much instead of making him play.

I homeschool and I had social anxiety issues before my son was born. After six years of homeschooling I still have a problem with the criticism, but I will deal with it because I know homeschooling is best for my son.

LOL! I would love to have seen the look on the teacher's face!

Hi Traceyqns,

My daughter is younger that your son, but I read up a bit on socialization of gifted children as she was isolating herself at preschool and I wanted to know what we should do for her. Basically (and unfortunately I haven't got access to the texts I read to reference, but they were by well regarded giftedness specialists), it is not unusual for gifted kids to be doing the kinds of things your son is doing, nor is it necessarily a negative. The reading I've done pointed to the following indicators of whether or not socialization was an issue:

- if they are getting opportunities to socialize with loving adults (parents, grandparents, family friends, etc) and seem socially competent with them that is a better indication of their social skills than how they get on with same age peers, who they don't really understand and who don't understand them.
- if they are generally getting along with the other kids at school - even if they don't choose to hang out with them in their spare time - then that's another indication things are fine. If they aren't, it is quite possible that rather than if being because of social immaturity, it is because they don't have a good fit with the other kids and acceleration might be needed to allow them to form relationships with peers closer to their mental age. Miraca Gross uses an example of a child with a normal IQ being left in a classroom with children 60 IQ points below them (using ratio IQ scores in this instance). We would not expect the child to be able to socialize normally with these children. We might expect them to be kind, etc. But we wouldn't expect them to find meaningful relationships. So it is for gifted children in a normal class room (or even in an accelerated class room depending on their level of giftedness). It is not really surprising that they are not seen to be socializing in the 'normal' way.
- if they are also getting meaningful, regular opportunities to socialize with other gifted or older kids outside of the school environment, even better.

I saw Miraca Gross speak on this topic and she suggested that gifted kids will be forced to make a choice at some point between being true to themselves at school and pretending they're someone they're not to fit in. The most important thing is that they have support at home to be themselves and ideally that they have even one friend, even if it is outside of school, who really gets them. But she also said many gifted kids wont find that one friend until they've left school. She also said there is a lot of focus by teachers on trying to ensure that gifted children are perfectly well rounded and that this just isn't possible (and it would seem to me that we don't expect it of other student groups).

Finally, have you looked in to introversion/extroversion and so on? Many assumptions about socialization seem to me based on what extroverts think people should be doing. Until I did some research on what each needs I spent a lot of time worrying about my daughter and thinking that I, myself, should WANT to have more friends than I had (despite actually being very happy with them). Turns out I am a classic introvert - too much interaction with others just wears me out. I remember school being a long day if I didn't take time out to read etc. You may have already looked in to this, but if you haven't and it turns out your son is introverted, it might provide some useful info for you to take to your son's teacher. There have been some excellent threads on introversion on this forum too.

Good luck!

Kvmum has raised very good points there.

DS(16) is one of those kids that has very little in common with his age peers and I do think it's not just his giftedness but his introversion that plays a part in how he interacts with others. I have been fortunate as I have been the one who has worried endlessly over this but not the school. In their opinion he is well liked and respected and that's what matters, not what he does or doesn't do at lunch time. So what does he do with his free time at school now? Hang out in the maths/science staffroom of course.LOL.

Boy, can I sympathise with this one! I was that child, in my day--I grew up with my nose in a book, and consequently don't even remember a great deal of my childhood. My mom didn't think anything of having a kid reading a book at the dinner table, as her sister had grown up exactly the same way!

We also didn't have a TV, so I had no use for the stuff the other kids wanted to talk about--and in music class, the teacher had everyone singing commercial jingles that I didn't know or understand.

I don't think that my DS7 has quite these problems, as they don't have time at lunch to bother bringing a book along and he certainly gets enough TV, although not always the same thing that other kids are watching. But he is very much that misunderstood kid, and I sometimes think the only thing he gets out of school at all is "socialization" and behavior training. But even though I always wanted to homeschool my kids (before I had any), I can't do it for the same reason listed above:

I'd never make it!

Our school is really great and works like crazy for him, but still I think I will bring up that point about normal kids socializing with 40IQ kids, just for kicks. Maybe that would help us get more acceleration if we decide we need it this year.

It is just crazy that not once has his teacher said "he really likes to read that is great" Nope but she will tell me to put him in baseball or sports etc. The funny thing is barely anyone in the class goes to baseball and she would NEVER tell those kids that they should do sports. So why my kid? Why, because she has to be thinking he is studying all day long! I am sure taht is it. She prob doesn't think that in fact he never studies. How can a kid at A+ on every single test w/o studying for hours every day. The work is remedial work for him so he is not studying. He said he is in "paradise in 2nd grade"

I really hate it when teachers tell me what I should be doing with him and they never tell the other students what sports they should be playing.

My oldest chose the route of being true to herself which was a harder row to hoe early on but has turned out quite well for her. My younger dd has clearly chosen the "fitting in" route. She has friends and doesn't appear to stand out the way her sister does, but she is profoundly lonely b/c she has little rapport with her friends. Her best friend, probably, is a child down the street whom she tells me isn't someone she really feels deep connection or understanding with, but who is kind and isn't mean to her. Her other friends at school have occassions of being nasty to her and there is some degree of anomosity toward dd b/c she is in more accelerated classes than they are. The other kids in the accelerated classes aren't the best fit for her in terms of friends, either, unfortunately. A lot of them are quite a bit older and bigger than dd (she's rather short) and don't treat her as a peer.

I have wondering if my girls' different choices have something to do with introversion/extraversion, as you mention. Dd11 is an introvert and doesn't seem to feel such a need to have a large crowd of friends. As a result, she has been willing to stand apart from the crowd. Dd9 is a huge extravert. It has been very, very hard on her to be different in any way and she has had a much harder time embracing anything about herself that makes her less likely to be popular.

My favorite bumper sticker I saw years ago said, "it is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not."

I, too, read all the time as a child (including during meals). For me it was an escape from a world in which I was misunderstood and felt disliked, though.