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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 553
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 553 |
Every family handles this differently, of course. I have 2 Ds (15 & 20). We told them that we prefer that they don't date outside of a group setting until they are 16. Although D20 did have a boy ask her to dinner at his house once at 15 (he lived with his grandparents, so that was okay). Worked out okay for both of them, as neither met anyone they really wanted to "date" prior to that anyway. They sometimes used it as an excuse when they didn't want to go out with someone, too. Hasn't seemed to cause any relationship issues, D20 has a fabulous BF she met in college.
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 283
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 283 |
I would look at it from a different direction - do you want your daughter to feel obligated to accept male attentions because it's what *they* want? I'm sure the boy's intention was sweet, but by adult standards it's inappropriate to give a gift to a woman you don't have a relationship with.
It sounds to me as though your daughter is handling it beautifully. I would be wary ot setting her up to be susceptible to emotional blackmail. The boys' feelings are not her problem. She is obligated to be polite and respectful, period. I totally agree as well! Those kind of skills will serve her well down the line. I agree
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 80
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 80 |
I would look at it from a different direction - do you want your daughter to feel obligated to accept male attentions because it's what *they* want? I'm sure the boy's intention was sweet, but by adult standards it's inappropriate to give a gift to a woman you don't have a relationship with.
It sounds to me as though your daughter is handling it beautifully. I would be wary ot setting her up to be susceptible to emotional blackmail. The boys' feelings are not her problem. She is obligated to be polite and respectful, period. I totally agree as well! Those kind of skills will serve her well down the line. I agree Absolutely, I agree too.
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 393
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 393 |
Hi Cricket,
I agree that your job is to help your daughter decline attention she finds unsuitable in a direct, firm, graceful and respectful way, but that is really it. I had an older sister who relished such attention by her early teens. I, on the other hand, really was not interested in boys much until later in high school - but I never was comfortable expressing my lack of interest, and found myself in all sorts of situations that felt very uncomfortable, simply because I couldn't assert my feelings in a clear way. I think my mom assumed that b/c my older sibling was fine with it, I was too. It took me well into college to learn to be direct about my feelings anytime I felt there was an inequity in the depth of feelings - and I wish I had learned this skill much earlier.
Good luck - Cat
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 112
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 112 |
I will probably be alone but I *strongly* discourage such affections, dating and sweetheart gifts at the tender age of 11. I would simply have her say she is not interested and that her parents discourage this.
Having seen 6th grade endless saga of social dramas through the eyes of my bewildered 11 yr old DD this year, we are both glad to not be involved in any of it. Group activities are our preferred choice.
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,172
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OP
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,172 |
Thanks for all of your replies. I guess that I just need to get her to be more direct in that I could see a boy still having his hopes up if she says that she needs to ask her mom and then never tells him anything further. A straight "no," while hard is probably better.
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 73
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 73 |
I'm only speaking about me and my experience. I don't know you or your daughter, so please do not take anything I am saying personally.
When I was a young girl, and boys started to ask me out, my mother emphasized to me that I should not hurt boys feelings. I feel that in my case, this was a huge problem, because it put me in a lot of awkward situations where I spent more time worrying about the boys feelings than honoring my own feelings.
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 465
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 465 |
Every family handles this differently, of course. I have 2 Ds (15 & 20). We told them that we prefer that they don't date outside of a group setting until they are 16. Although D20 did have a boy ask her to dinner at his house once at 15 (he lived with his grandparents, so that was okay). Worked out okay for both of them, as neither met anyone they really wanted to "date" prior to that anyway. They sometimes used it as an excuse when they didn't want to go out with someone, too. Hasn't seemed to cause any relationship issues, D20 has a fabulous BF she met in college. I think that you setting a rule like INTparent makes it easier for her to say no AND easier on the boys feelings. I always hated hurting people's feelings and as a young teen would either sacrifice my feelings or be cruelly dismissive - it would have been nice to "blame it on my parents." :-) Breakaway
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 125
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 125 |
by adult standards it's inappropriate to give a gift to a woman you don't have a relationship with. I find that very sad! There's a difference between using a gift to express affection and trying to use it to buy affection. Is there really anything wrong with the former? By the way, Jane, I agreed with the rest of your comment...this bit just struck me in an odd way.
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