Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion My 5yr. old is angry... and i dont understand her.

Sorry about that. I probably did sound harsh, but I didn't say anything to you that I haven't said to myself a hundred times.

One thing that has helped us is having specific areas of control. In our family, we each make decisions about our own bodies and about the objects that belong to us. In addition, we each have a job and make decisions about our jobs. My job is keeping DD safe. DH's job is working out of the home. DD's job is having fun & learning things.

So if I have made a decision that is about safety, I explain it briefly. If DD objects and I overrule her objection, I say that it is my decision because it is a safety issue and safety is my job. She respects that. Of course that means that I also have to respect her decisions about her areas of control--including sitting & watching as she trims all the fur off of all of her stuffed animals. I can object, but it is her decision in the end, and she'll tell me that. And I'll respect it.

I have some similar behavioral problems as well with my almost 5 yr. old daughter.

She seems to desire to actively engage in argumentative discussion, she negotiates like a little lawyer and does try to circumvent authority.

I give her choices regarding her behavior. I ask her if negotiating with me will make me change my mind...she answers no because she already knows the answer. So then I will tell her that she might as well stop unless she wants to get into trouble. I will also give her an if/then scenario. If you choose to continue with this behavior, this will happen...what is your choice? You have to be careful how many warnings you give. If you engage them in the argument, they will continue it because it provides them with the control they so often desire.

The problem I think...with my daughter anyway...is that she has so much "adult-like" information in her head, but seeing that she is not even 5 yet...emotionally...it's too much for her to handle so she acts out. She speaks like an adult and often times I do think my expectations of her are too high...which is unfortunately what happened when my husband and I were both children as we were labeled gifted.

At any rate...though I often explain things...if she asks me the same question I tell her I have already told her my answer and if she wasn't listening to me then it's not my problem. That usually stops the questioning. I don't often say "because I told you so", but sometimes I do. She needs to understand who is in charge.

It's funny because this morning actually she brought down her baby doll and said to me..."Mom, I'm the boss of my baby." LOL and I said, "Yes honey you are...does she listen to you?" And she said..."yes, she has to."

I wish you the best. Set up some consistent boundaries because children with such a high intelligent will strive to be in control moreso I think than what is typical. Explanations are fine but continued explanations about the same thing can be avoided and I would highly recommend that the next time she tells you to leave, that you take the reins and make sure she realizes that she cannot talk to you like that. My method of discipline often is utilizing time outs or taking away privledges. It's hard to be consistent but it's imperative.

I hope this helps some.

Your daughter sounds so much like mine. DD 3.9 does this with her 'babies' be it a doll or her prized stuffed animals.

And I handle the interrogation the same way. Did you not hear my response? Even ask her to repeat it and that is when she finally accepts the answer. (Most of the time and I think more so because she knows I'm not budging.) We also do timeouts and taking away privileges but are finding we use timeouts less and less. Does the intensity of the interrogation go up as they get older? If it does ... I really have my hands full.

My daughter's behavior...well frankly...was atrocious at 3...GOOD LORD I mean seriously! It has lessened now that she is closer to 5 however her negotiations are more sophisticated and she can be quite manipulative. I mean when she was 3, we were in a veterinary's waiting room and had some McDonalds. So I told her to throw it away in the garbage can across the room. She went over there and stopped by the man sitting next to the garbage can and asked him to throw it away...guess what he did? The 1st 2 guesses don't count...needless to say yes, my daughter can get adults to do what she wants them to do quite often which enables and can exacerbate her behavior.

Sometimes my daughter acts like 30, and other times she acts like she's 2. When she's acting like she's 2, I have to stand my ground. I will ask her if throwing her little temper tantrum will get her what she wants...she typically stops and says "no"...again she knows the rule...she just keeps hoping that I'll turn stupid I guess. :o)

Thank you very much for sharing your story and all the great responses. My nearly 5 year old son sometimes has tantrums, too that start with him not being to exert his control. I tend to explain my reasoning to him - if his behavior continues I tend to give the consequence of taking away privileges. That often helps stop the tantrum very quickly. Another thing that we have noticed is that he tends to be more in tantrum mood if he has not eaten enough. He tends to eat a lot and thus sometimes it does not seem to be apparent that this could be the reason but often the tantrum subsides as soon as he has some more food.

I just saw this post and it sounds like my DS5. He gets very angry over the smallest (to me) things. I'm glad I'm not alone (however, I do feel for you).

We ended up taking him to a child psychologist because things got so bad that it was just constant worry and yelling and battle of wills. Turns out he has mild oppositional defiant disorder along with being gifted and mild adhd....... But we're trying a new "reward system" that's worked (so far) great for he and his 7yo sister...

Good luck with everything - sounds like you have some great advice here.

What about respect for the father or other family member who traded an hour of their life at work so she could have nice things at the house? �(more than 1hr. for some toys.). I would be willing to buy a bear at the yard sale for that purpose if she asked, but wouldn't respect spontaneous destruction of property just for something to do. �

Faith, hope, and love. �This is a strictly by the book correct response to your situation. �This is NOT the voice of experience talking. �I would try to talk with her when times are good and say, "I know you and I are very close. �When you feel like I'm leaving you out of something that you're not included in you might feel angry, hurt, or frustrated. �When I tell you "no" about something you have two choices�
A)do something else�
B)say how you feel using a friendly voice
A nice voice is an "inside" voice-not loud like you might use outside, angry, or whining. �Decide if you need to talk about how you feel. �Decide who you want to tell your feelings to. �Decide when would be a good time to ask (for example, not when the person is busy). Say to that person "I need to talk" using a nice voice and make sure you use a friendly look. �(demonstrate for her aggressive, angry, friendly, and relaxed facial expressions and body postures). �Talking about it doesn't always mean you get your way, but it almost always will make you feel better just to be able to tell someone how you feel about it. �This is not easy to learn how to do, but I know you can do it. �Dealing with your feelings, dealing with rejection or disappointment, talking about your feelings calmly, these are very grown up things. �But if you can learn how to do these things now while you're young it will make your whole life better and easier from now on. �I'd like to help you work on it. �It will take time. �But it's worth working on it in the long run." http://www.nurturedheart.com/index.php/parenting-articles/141-5-things-every-parent-should-know

When you give someone a gift, you don't get to decide how they use it. You can express the purpose for which you intended it, but if the recipient chooses to use it for another purpose, that's their decision. Sometimes my MIL (who is an compulsive shopper) gives me gifts that I just throw away. I don't feel compelled by my respect for her to keep every single piece of garbage that she gives me. I don't see any reason a child should not have the same autonomy over her possessions that an adult has. Kids need to be trusted to make their own decisions, even if they sometimes make what we'd consider to be the wrong ones.

If it makes you feel any better, only one of her stuffed animals was ruined by this process (though nearly all of them have much shorter hair at this point) and that was a 30-year-old thrift-store plush care bear. And she got hours of entertainment value, plus a lot of great practice using scissors.

What strikes me in the story. You tell her to get out of the room. She's hurt and responds by telling you to get out. That says to me that whatever the reasonable intent in telling her to get out of the room she heard it as a rejection and she followed your modeling to the same behavior.

I can guarantee it won't work 100% of the time, but my suggestion would be to focus on giving her positive roles and working with her in advance about transitions...

So, in the dining room example, I would suggest involving her in the planning of the job. What parts can she do, what parts can you do, what will be your plan to celebrate when the job is all done? Could she go in the next room and help pick out the cleaning music? Would it be possible to set the timer for ten minutes for the part of the job you have to do alone and while you are working on that part could she get the dollhouse set up so you can celebrate your hard work with some fun time playing? Could you break down the job into five distinct phases and celebrate finishing each phase with a cheer? Could she be allowed to do something particularly exciting or challenging as our helper (technology like the dustbuster has been appealing here).

This sort of approach has worked well for our family for a few reasons. First, it appeals to the child's natural desire to be included and develop responsibility. Second, it keeps us in a positive place where we feel like we are working as a team. Third, I rarely have to say anything I don't later want to hear coming back out of my child's mouth. If I had to say "you go in the other room and leave me alone" I know I'd be hearing that back later. I don't mind hearing back "hey let's make put on the music and clean this will be fun" back later. What we model we hear back later.

And, really ruined is very much in the eye of the beholder. I'm quite certain my Barbies were actually improved when I gave them pixie cuts and tattoos.