Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Behavior problem at home only..HELP!

I'm new to the site. My daughter is in 2nd grade an attending a private school to address her academic needs. She is very social and has friends, she gets along well in school and at extra curricular activities. She is also overly sensitive, moody, and very lazy. she is respectful of all her teachers and adults no matter where she goes. The problem, however, is at home she has explosive outbursts over the smallest request by me or her dad and blows up at her younger sister (who is not gifted) over everything. When we talk to her she tells us she has "anger issues" and that she takes out everything she feels all day on us at home. Needless to say it has been very stressful in our home. We have tried every behavior modification system out there and none have worked. We are ready to seek outside family therapy, but we worry she already sees herself as "different". She is emotionally 7 and intellectually 16 any advise??

Could it be that she is just overly tired, or nutritional? Or if she is sensitive to stress, is there extra stress at home that you can think of? Just a suggestion. My DS5 lost 3 lbs over a 2 month period and was extra cranky/irritable/tired/low energy due to stress from my DH from work (which he never took out on us - it was just an underlying tension that my DS could read). We actually had blood tests/complete chem panel on my DS to rule out anything physical because he just wasn't himself. My DH has been faking not being stressed out; and we have seen a total turn around. Poor kid. My DS is homeschooled though. On that thought, is there anything at school that is bothering her that she just isn't sharing?

Sorry, if this doesn't help. Hugs and good thoughts to you.

Two of my four kids "hold it together" at school but totally break down at home. With my oldest, we found that the school he was in ended up not being a good fit even though he seemed "fairly ok" there. Once we switched to a GT school all was well. Now he is doing great at home and school.

My dd5 could behave at school but at home she was horrible. We tried every behavorial program we could and finally got outside therapy. Turns out she is depressed and probably has been since about age 3. She was always short tempered, irritable sullen, etc. at home. We really lived in total chaos waiting for her next outburst or issue. Life was really very hard to enjoy as a family.

She has been on anti depressants for a month now and I have a completely different child!!! She is calm, caring, more verbal, smiling, etc. It is like I am finally connecting with her for the first time in years and it's the best feeling. We hated to do meds but seeing how much it has helped her (100% difference) I would highly recommend getting some outside help. Not saying meds are needed, just that professionals can really get to the root of this stuff pretty quick.

Good luck

This sounds quite a bit like my dd9, except that my dd9 is not particularly lazy. She is driving me crazy though!!! It's as though she has no understanding of my authority over her. The back talk...grrrrr. She is so quick tempered that it forced me to consider whether she's hormonal! That's what seemed to fit and it scares me to death when I think about what that would mean for the teenage years. But I don't think that's it.

In the past we sought help from a nutritionist, and while the nutritionist identified some issues, taking supplements and killing yeast, etc. never seemed to have much affect on her behavior.

She also has a language processing issue, which leads to more misunderstandings (= more gigantic arguments over *nothing*)

My dd has some mild anxiety and I don't know how this is related to outbursts. We have not quite gotten around to seeing a psychiatrist for it - I don't want to have to "go there" unless it's absolutely necessary. I keep thinking we ought to be able to fix this at home. It's like there's a screw loose someplace, rattling around in her head, that just needs to be re-installed LOL!

Please post if you figure out the source of your dd's problem or anything that seems to work.

p.s. the holding it together at school and exploding at home I think is part of introversion - it means you're safe

Thanks for all the suggestions. I do see she is worse when she is tired. Also, I have a sister who has been on meds. for at least 20yrs. for depression. I know it can run in families and I have thought that could be a factor. Anytime I brought it up to my fam. they think I'm reading too much into it, trying to find a label for her behavior. I just know that if there is this much stress in the house she can't be happy either. Maybe it is time to seek professional help in helping her. I'll try anything we can't keep going like we are.

Hi DMR,
The first thing to think about is this: Your daughter is attending a private school to address her academic needs. Are her academic needs truly being adressed? Does she have friends that she can really be herself around?

If your daughter really is 16 intellectally, then her classwork should include the kinds of discussion and idea that would be found in High School - very few schools provide this to 2nd graders - even schools that lable themselves as 'college prep' or 'gifted.'

We used to think that Gifted was one big catagory where all Gifted children had more or less the same needs. Now we are thinking about 'Levels of Giftedness' LOG, and how about 2/3rds of the kids in any gifted program will be hugging that cut off, giving the impression that 'Yes, this program is working for all kids except the one's who aren't trying to make it work.'

When you say that she is lazy, I suspect that she either hasn't met any work that she actually has to work to be able to do OR that she has never learned how to engage with difficult material. Either way, it makes me wonder how much unmet need she is still under.

Love and More Love,
Grintiy

We have lots of depression in our family as well and all our doctors have commented on the heriditary nature of it. The depression symptoms in kids are different than adults so that's why your family might not understand. Our psych specializes in gifted and that helps too. He understands the issue of cognitive age vs actual age and helps us to understand why a gifted child could have issues because of it.

I think the biggest thing is to trust your gut. I tried everything and nothing worked. I literally gave up on fixing the behavior and tried to "get by" each day. Then we started with the psych and he gave us some things to try but within a few months we all agreed there was no other option but to try meds. He couldn't get through to her either. Oh, I should mention that the defiance was probably her primary issue.

Meds might not be what your daughter needs but at least having that professional involved could be helpful. I found it comforting to know there was someone else on our team that could help our daughter. It was really good to bounce things off of a professional who understood what we were going through and didn't just think it was a "parenting issue."

Yup - I really hate it when the parent's get blamed for not being 'good enough!!!!!'

I'll offer a few thoughts. Hope it doesn't offend.

Daughters who are sensitive... they hold it together in the outside world but when they get home (the "safe" place to be themselves) they let themselves go and show their frustrations and anger about. I'm sure you know this already. But more than anything at this point in time they would like someone to tell them they are still lovable and wonderful.

Also, many gifted girls are very sensitive. But yes when hungry, lack of sleep, or tired, can get very irritable. She doesn't want to be this way but probably doesn't know how to help herself.

I've been showing my child, as gently as I can, how she can recognize her own behaviors. "I'm starting to feel frusterated..." and I'm teaching her to say "I am frusterated because..." then what she can do to manage it. Go doodle for a while. Lie down. Ways to calm down.

Even a mildly gifted child in Gr. 2 doing Gr. 2 work will find it extremely frustrating and mind-numbing, I can't imagine how your daughter goes to school every day. She would need more differentiated curriculum work. Also, what do the other girls in her class/friends talk about? Deep issues about life? Or the latest tv fads and clothes? What books do they read, her friends, vs books she reads?

If this has been happening for any length of time, it can get anyone depressed. (Not to minimize your situation...)

I have to run... but having the professional experienced with gifted children will be helpful. By the way, if your DD is gifted, the parents are likely also, and other relatives. The sister may also be.

Also, girls learn to hide their giftedness very well early on in the public world.

My daughter used to melt down almost every evening on the way home from day care. And this was the most loving day care I've encountered --- families don't leave unless they move. My kids (5, 8 & 10) still love to go during school vacations.

When DD was 2-3, I'd load the kids into the car, and she'd be melting down by the time we'd arrived at the light at the expressway. This light is all of 60 seconds from the day care provider's house.

The day care provider told me once that this is common with kids ---just as Jesse said, they have to hold it in all day, and then they melt down when they feel safe. She told me that some of the school-aged kids who came to her house after school would have occasional meltdowns at her place because they felt safe there.

I guess it's a venting mechanism?


I say this to my kids too. I always tell them that it's okay to feel angry or upset or whatever. It's how you DEAL with the feeling that's okay or not okay.

FWIW, my mom used to tell my eldest sister to throw a shoe at the garage to get it out. It helped.

Val