Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Thinking of homeschooling but husband has concerns

We're making this change for next year, so I don't speak from actual experience...BUT, one thing that we've noticed (in DSs case) is that it's not any more social at school than it is after school here at home or in his extracurricular activity. Once homework is done, he's out the door playing and socializing with the neighborhood kids, (almost all go to the same school). Some he sees at school, some he doesn't.

According to him, he doesn't socialize all that much at school. He's got to be quiet during class most of the time unless it's a discussion or groupwork (which to me isn't really 'social' time). I can tell the days he was chatty at lunch, because most of his lunch is still in his lunchbox. Of course, there's recess, but that's what...15-20 minutes? When considering the social aspect in our decision, we looked at how much time was realistically spent socializing at school compared to what he gets at home and would also get with different activities once he's homeschooled. Oh, and his extracurricular activity mirrors a class - he's got a 'teacher' and other 'students', so he's getting the experience of a group setting and will continue to learn from that environment, as well. Just my thoughts. Good luck in your decision.

We are in the same spot with a 9y/o fall bd 4th grader (no skip, so she's a year older than your dd). She is doing some supplemental math with EPGY this year b/c she wouldn't be learning anything in math otherwise and I've hsed dd11 in the past. My big concern and reason for wanting dd9 home next year is that I see her morphing into what she sees as acceptable socially -- which is not true to her self and her intelligence. She doesn't want to be smart b/c she doesn't want to be different. She is also a very erratic achiever in school.

Are you a SAHM already? For us, it requires losing my income, so that's probably the biggest issue. I'm trying to see if there is a way to get a hs co-op together where I live to see if that could help with the social aspect and maybe allow me to still work a little. My dd is very, very outgoing as well. She, however, is also very interested in hsing. How does your dd feel about that option? (You don't happen to live in Colorado do you -- lol?)

Go to yahoo groups and search for secular homeschool groups in your state and town. That may call up some you are finding on other searches. Looking at email lists is an easy way to get a sense of the local scene. I will say in my area secular groups were not the first ones the largest or first ones I found, but ultimately there turned out to be many nonreligious homeschoolers in my area. I echo other posters that especially during elementary school there are daily options for co-ops, field trips, and social activities.

I would also remember that homeschooling is not a forever decision. You could try it for fourth grade and see what happens. Best case scenario you find a good community, enjoy the academics together and discover something great for your family. Worst case scenario you don't find a lot going on during the day and the afterschool activities you put together don't fully meet her social needs, but you had a fun academically satisfying year together. Doesn't seem like too much of a risk to give that a try.

We are just officially starting home education of our children - my oldest would be starting school this year. But really it is just the extension of what we are already doing with them, and I hadn't returned to work yet either, so it wasn't as much of a change as 'going back' to home education would be.

We find that the children could easily be doing something for at least half the day everyday of the week if we wanted to. So seeing other children isn't the problem.

What sealed the deal for my DH (who wasn't very hard to convince really) was an article that broke down how much time children spent doing various things at school (waiting for their turn, packing away, taking the roll, listening to announcements, waiting while other students were chastised, etc,) But I just spent 15 minutes looking for to it I CAN'T find it. So my memory of it is as follows: it turns out only about 3 hours spread over
a week were actually spent learning, and there is of course no guarantee that any of that time is on your child's level or that that doesn't happen to be the three hours your children were sleepy or tuned out or what ever. So we figured it wouldn't be hard for us to beat that.

The classes at the YMCA and the library are a good sign that there's an active homeschooling community.

I'd strongly recommend asking people you see out with older kids in the middle of the day if they're homeschooling, and if so, what are they doing for homeschooling groups. (Make sure to be clear that you're interested because you plan to homeschool, not because you're meddling. Some people ask questions like that because they want to criticize. <eye roll>)

One of the most active inclusive homeschooling groups in our area is completely invisible unless you know someone already in the group. They have no Internet presence and they're not listed anywhere "official." It's all word-of-mouth. So ask around! Start now.



Grinity asks a good question: what precisely is it that worries your husband? Ask him to be specific. Is he afraid she won't know how to behave in a college classroom when the time comes? Or is he worried that she won't have any friends? Those are two very different issues.

My husband was behind homeschooling 100%, but my mom, a former teacher with some very negative views of homeschooling, was not. I approached her by telling her why I thought homeschooling was a better fit for DS than our other options. Then I asked her what her concerns were. I researched for answers--honest answers! (Nothing is all good or all bad!)--and I presented these to her.

Mostly she was worried that he would have no interaction with "the real world." We discussed how "real" it is to be in a room with one adult who is "the boss" and a bunch of kids who are within 12 months of your age. We talked about when in life you have to ask permission to go to the bathroom and have to wait for everyone to catch up to you before you can move on. (Imagine that in an office...)

I showed her my plan for classes and teams that DS could be part of, so that he would have experience working in groups. I showed her a list of fun social events the homeschool group had each year. I listed off the friendships he had that we would nurture through playdates.

She was also worried that DS would have only one perspective to learn from: mine. I reminded her that elementary students in our schools have one teacher, plus seeing an art, P.E., and/or music teacher for a few minutes each week. My homeschooled son has 7 different teachers this year. That doesn't include non-school leaders like coaches. Even before we found the school for homeschoolers, he always had plenty of classroom-type activities led by people other than me.

She was not completely sold, but when she saw that I was addressing the issues head-on, she was okay with letting us try it. It has been very successful, and she now seems to value homeschooling as a good solution in DS's case. She actually did some homeschooling of DS8 last year so that I could volunteer in DS5's preschool class. She was excited about the projects he was doing. Progress!

But I'm very direct. That head-on approach might not work for everyone. And ultimately, my mother had no real choice but to accept our decision. I was honoring her by addressing her concerns, but the final decision had nothing to do with her, really. A husband is a tougher nut to crack.

What sort of evidence is persuasive to him? Does he follow his gut or is he a data sort of guy?

You guys are great! You bring up so many good points. I did share with my husband what I've learned from you. JDAx3 and GeoMamma, the amount of time kids get to actually socialize in school is an excellent point. My husband's main concern socially was that my daughter wouldn't be learning to make friends on her own without my involvement, the way kids do at school. After talking about it a lot last night, I got him to accept the fact that we might be able to provide these opportunities for her and he'd be willing to concede on that point and give it a try, IF he didn't have other concerns....

So apparently that wasn't his only issue, nor did he see it as the major issue. He now tells me his biggest objection is that my daughter and I often butt heads, particularly when I'm trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. He definitely has some valid points. We are strong personalities and she will often do the least amount of work unless prodded (one of the problems that I have with her school is they don't expect enough of her and she's getting lazy). She is very emotional and still, at 8, prone to outbursts (she spend a lot of time in her room 'thinking about how she could have handled that without yelling and crying'). We deal with some of these issues just trying to get her to put more effort into her writing homework. He thinks it's a disaster waiting to happen and will lead to a lot of stress for me (and ultimately, the family) and that we will both be miserable.

To answer Cricket2's questions, I'm a SAHM, so there is no change in income for the family if I were to do this. Also my daughter is definitely warming to the idea. She doesn't really deal with change well and she has lots of concerns BUT she said she loves the idea of being able to spend more time reading and following her own interests and she admits she doesn't learn anything new in school, so she's excited about that. She also hates the pace and repetition. She sees a lot of positives about homeschooling and is willing to try it.

To answer Kriston's question, my husband is a data guy. And I'm sure I will be getting lots of concern from family members (many of whom are in education). I like your approach and will have to remember that.

So this brings me to a whole other questions....

Anybody that homeschools, did you or do you struggle with getting your child to accept that you are now their teacher and they have to do assignments the way you expect them to be done? I foresee difficulties particularly with writing, which is my biggest issue with the school. The school expects very little in the way of spelling, grammar, or sentence structure. I feel like my daughter is not getting a good basis in basic writing. I know it is going to be a struggle for both of us, at least for a while, but I think it is worth working through. My husband thinks it will be a constant battle. Anyone else with these concerns when you were thinking about homeschooling and how did it work out?

Again, I really appreciate all your responses. This is such a big decision, and not knowing anyone who has been through it, I didn't know where to turn. You guys have been a wonderful source of information and support!

My husband was (and probably is) very much in denial about the whole HG-PG thing. If you ask him to this day, he'd say we're homeschooling because "My wife wants to." ROFL! Of course, I do want to. That's definitely a necessary ingredient. But if I thought I could find an equally good fit at a school, we'd be there.

For him, it was seeing where DS was at socially and academically after about 6 months time. He was so crabby going to school, and he is mostly a really easy kid now. We very much considered last year an experiment. My daughter was at preschool and I was home anyway. But it definitely made him change his tune. He didn't even bat an eye when our daughter declared she needed to be homeschooled too. This year was an experiment with her in the mix. But that's been great too.

My dh doesn't really think that our girls are that far out of the norm either. Even if he is willing to admit that they are bright, he doesn't see their being gifted as something that impacts much other than thinking that it should allow them to be good students. I, on the other hand, see the way that they are wired as impacting the entire way they process and experience the world.

I will say I think this issue your husband is raising is more legitimate than the socialization one and it is worth considering and planning for. My main response would be that one way or another you and your daughter will need to find a way to work together. That relationship doesn't go away because she goes to school. It just shifts over into homework time - a time when people are tired and tempers and already flaring. This isn't a really good way to evaluate what homeschooling will be like because her overall level of stress will likely be much lower as a homeschooler. School work can happen when she's got the most energy for the day and it can be customized to be appropriate for her needs. That's really different than being the enforcer on a homework assignment that may not be particularly appropriate.

And, again, it is a year. If he you butt heads you find a way to work through that or not. Worst case scenario you conclude you will never be her teacher. Best case scenario you both find ways to adapt and work together better.

I agree that the new issue brought up is more significant than the socialization one unless you have an extremely social child that needs that level of interaction daily. I know for us, my DS and I BUTTED heads every. single. day when he was at school. Homework took 2hrs or more for 1st grade. I would get anxious knowing it was time for him to get off the bus. Then I had to deal w/ tears and anxiety about going the school next day and how boring and dull and "I thought you go to school to learn?" questions. For us, HSing relieved all that stress. We hit the road running. WE later developed a whole another issue.....after about 4months of figuring out where he was academically, I began challenging him and he started missing math questions and his ego/self-esteem couldn't handle it and he shut down for over 2months. After that it was a tough rest of the year. But you know what, I see these issues, not as ones to return him to school (although I threatened him with it often) but one of helping him to deal with these issues. There are/were many times I wish I could just be mom and not teacher and pass the buck to someone else but that is just not to be. It's hard a job.

I like the contract idea. Talk to your DD and DH. Map out objectives for the year. Write up a contract and everyone sign it. If it doesn't work out, you can always send her back to school. Honestly, it took half way through our 2nd year of HSing to feel I was in the groove.

One thing that stuck with me .... I read on the WTM board that often issues HSers have when starting out, are issues that were there before HSing. But with the kid being away from home so much of the day, there was less time/chances of interaction for the problem to occur and less time/inclination for dealing with it properly. A friend's son was having HUGE behavioral issues. There wasn't enough time at the end of the day to deal with it. With HSing, she had the time to deal with the issues in a controlled situation and the kid is like a different person now. My point is, sometimes we don't deal w/ issues when they are in school, issues we should deal with ... b/c there is no time, HSing can afford you that time.

Would your DD be more responsive to your DH? I know a friend whose DH checks over the work in the evenings, discusses what DC learned that day, gets apprised of any behavioral issues that occurred that day and that helps w/ any issues.

And no decision is final.....you can always send her back unless you run the risk of losing a magnet spot as my friend did when she chose to HS.