Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion I just got trashed by a friend

It's good of you to be sensitive, and every person is different, but your sister may come around. I have a good friend with a developmentally disabled child. I was always careful about discussing my HG+ child around her before we became good friends because I didn't want to make her feel bad or sad. But because we were homeschooling, she asked me a lot of questions and I told the truth in as unassuming a way as I could.

She was one of the people most understanding about DS8's needs when I talked with her about them. She is able to accept that not everyone fits neatly under the big bump in the Bell Curve.

I always try to be sensitive to her feelings, of course, and I am not a competitive person when it comes to kids anyway. I hate that stuff. And she is very much a person who accepts difference as a matter of course, so that's part of it, too.

Her child is older, so maybe with time it will get easier with your sister, too?

I'll be hopeful for you.

Am I the only one who doesn't back away from these conversations? The way I see it, giftedness needs to come out of the closet, and the more people get used to hearing (and not fearing) the word, the more progress we will make.

I'm not rude or braggy about it (at least, I don't think so), but if someone asks me "how is school going" I'm going to answer about the boredom and the behavior and this new debilitating fear of a challenge. And in turn I will listen sympathetically to whatever concerns or successes the other parent wants to express. I just don't see any point in being dishonest or avoiding the conversation entirely.

I guess I treat it more as a subtopic under the umbrella "all kids struggle with something" rather than "whose kid is best." Hopefully, that comes through!

I sure hope your friend comes around, MegMeg. She is obviously very dear to you.

The first time I talked about it with a friend, it took a lot of courage, but since then I've just stopped thinking about it as something to hide. The other day I had a conversation with a (not-close) friend about Waldorf schools and why I don't think they're always the greatest (because they're not always accepting of kids who develop off schedule). She seemed really turned-off all of a sudden, and it didn't even occur to me that I'd been talking about giftie stuff until a few days later. Oh well--if she can't handle it, she's not the sort of friend I want/need anyway.

I didn't back away at all at first - but then again, I was still pretending that everyone was 'just like me' and couldn't figure out what was scaring people. My social skills fail me at unpredictable time, and since I'm so 'out there' by nature I epic fail. Or maybe that is just my perfectionism talking?

Nowadays I'm a funny mix, and try to fit each discussion to the situation. But I do have the habit of 'avoiding' those areas when possible, and thinking twice before I venture.

We do need to win the heart and minds of our ND neighbors and friends.

Hummmm
Grnity

I predict that as time passes, and your daughter gets involved in more gifted activities, you will make new friends who are more accepting and availible - and maybe even in the same boat. Look for local gifted groups - most states have them, and Mensa, and conferences. It's sort of like falling down the rabbit hole, once you get your foot in the door, there is a whole world of people.

Smiles,
Grinity

I tend to wade in cautiously, but yes, I am honest about our situation when it seems appropriate. I tend to keep quiet when people are bragging about their kids--as I said, I don't like competitive parenting--and naturally, I gravitate toward people who accept that giftedness exists. But I prefer to be honest and open in my life, and I'm not really interested in allowing giftedness to seem like a dirty little secret. I went through a time when it felt like that, and it was uncomfortable for me.

Frankly, at a certain point, HG+ kids are far enough ahead that milestones and things of that nature aren't really so much of an issue anymore. For example, DS8 is learning pre-algebra. People see his math workbook or ask him what he's learning about, and they get what's what. I don't have to say a word. If they ask why he's so far ahead or why we're homeschooling, I explain. If not, that's fine, too.

So it gets better.

A happier follow-up:

I talked at length to a different friend, someone I've known since high-school and who is raising three very academically ordinary kids. Knowing her, I was pretty sure she wouldn't have an issue, and I was right. I told her about my fight with the other friend, and about Hanni being gifted. And she said, "You can tell me Hanni is a genius and I'll still love you." (Actually, first she said, "I already knew that.")

And then she said something very interesting. She thinks that the people who freak out are actually judging their own kids (or themselves). They really do think smarter is better. When they hear that someone else's kid is smarter, they actually, for a moment, like their own kid a little less. And that's unacceptable to them, so they have to make gifted-kid go away.

Then my friend said, "It's okay with me if you have a great career, and if Hanni is gifted, because I like my life and I like my kids."

Oh, also, friend #1 acknowledged that she was freaking out and having issues, and she apologized very sincerely. We're not exactly back to being okay, but we're getting there.

Glad to hear. ITA with friend #2 that if someone freaks out, it's all about them. I wonder if something happened in friend #1's life in relation to being gifted? Like a negative experience of being labeled or not being labeled and thinking there was something wrong with her? Just something that crossed my mind...

Meetup.com has local groups for parents of gifted kids.