Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion I just got trashed by a friend

I can't believe I'm writing this post. I had a really unpleasant conversation with a very close friend of mine. We've had some slightly tense conversations before about some of my child-rearing choices, but I guess I kept believing that if we could just talk things through enough we'd come to understand each other. She can be a bit prickly and judgmental, but she's a long-time friend of the family and has seen me through some really rough times in the past.

Anyway, she came down to visit and I decided to finally "come out" to her about my ponderings about giftedness and homeschooling (Hanni is only 2, so I could have kept it quiet for a lot longer.) It did not go well. Actually, it went really badly, and then she apologized, and we talked some more, and I thought things were really okay, and we'd even learned something about communicating with each other.

And then this morning I sent her an e-mail with one more thought, which I thought would just further help to allay some of her concerns, and she BLASTED me. It's becoming clear that she has issues with everything, from my choice to co-sleep, and continue nursing at age 2, and not put Hanni in pre-school yet, up to and including my plan to homeschool. And she has some very strong opinions about how I would end up homeschooling Hanni, and what my motivations for doing it are, which are not based in reality at all. And it is also clear that a big part of what was fueling her angry-cat-biting-me reaction was the whole issue of Hanni being gifted and my eagerness to do right by her on that score.

(This friend is childless, so I really really didn't get it how much of an emotional hook this whole giftedness thing is for her. I think it has to do with her issues about herself, and her feeling less than successful in her career and life. The irony is, when I was growing up, her and her family were the smartest people we knew, and I used to wait all year for summer when we could see them again. I even told her that last night.)

Am I a textbook case or what? I really thought my peeps would be different.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. It can be SO hard to have to keep silent about such a big thing in your life. It sounds like your friend does have some issues of her own that she is confronting. I hope that, with some time, the tenseness can pass. Unfortunately, I think that this particular friend should not be the one with whom you discuss this aspect of your daughter. Gifted discussions don't always go well IRL. Thankfully, that's what we're here for.

That is awful.

Parenting is so divisive, no matter what you do you are going to put someone off. And childless people are worse. I wish I could take back some of the things I said before I had children.

MegMeg... Sent you a PM
It's the blinking envelope on top of the screen

So sorry MegMeg. I've had similar experiences with my sister. You are in good company here.
Chrys

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've definitely had similar experiences too and even lost contact permanently with a friend who was in our wedding. This was a friend who was not married and had no children either.

I had one friend though who was my toughest customer when we first told her we were going to switch to homeschooling. She said some not very nice things about it. Both her and her husband have taught public school. She went on to research it for a year and is now homeschooling her kindergartner. So sometimes those that attack and question you the most can become huge advocates later!

Good luck! I know that's no fun and very stressful. Clearly, that friend has no clue what parenthood feels like. Since you suspect she is GT, I wonder what her own school experience was like? Interesting.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Many of us have had similar experiences IRL. There are definately some strong feelings regarding both GT and homeschooling.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My best friend is a teacher and if I bring up my son's intelligence in an email she doesn't respond...period. If I talk about it she changes the subject. I'm not sure what is so offensive to her about it. I feel kind of lonely because I feel I can't really talk to anyone about it except for my husband. So I know where you're coming from unfortunately.

LBLCMama, I am in exactly the same situation. Best friend is a teacher and we simply can't talk about it anymore. We have completely opposing views on everything from early entry to kids attending schools which have a high gifted cohort. Family don't believe in giftedness and I just haven't bothered to mention it to other friends - just smile along when they share their kids' achievements and mumble something incoherent when they ask about my daughter! I kind of hoped to meet a whole new group of people when I became a parent, but instead I just hang back and keep quiet. It is very isolating.

Ari
http://mumofagiftedgirl.blogspot.com/

Thanks everyone!

Unfortunately, I don't think this is going to be a case of "tough customer who comes around." It seems to be more emotional than about having reasons that could be argued against.

Yes, it is really difficult not having people to talk to. In my case, I don't even have a husband/partner to talk to! But at least the grandparents are on-board. I come from an academic family, so my parents totally get it and they are insanely proud of Hanni. When I need to, I can always go brag to the grandparents!

Another difficult point for me, though, is that I have a sister with a severely disabled child. I have to be careful even talking to her about Hanni's normal milestones, and discussing giftedness is out of the question.