Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Oh, my. (sort of a vent)

Everything about DS is so contradictory. It's hard to figure out. He doesn't respond to things the way other kids do, it takes a lot of working through the wherefores in order to actually solve things. So, on the one hand, I'm looking for advice. Things have not been all rosy, and it IS more than I can sort out alone. But on the other hand, sometimes asking the question winds up revealing something I didn't realize was unusual....

Eg: He's SOOOOOO sticky. You can't just give him another toy to get him not to play with the scissors. That stopped working before the verb "to give" really applied. You can't just hide something he shouldn't have. So far, it seems we just have to deal with the tantrum and tell him why you're doing what you're doing. But that means a lot of tantrums, and looooooooong ones. I'd love to have another solution... When he was about 6 mos old I got told kids that young don't have tantrums, and to change his diaper. Well. Suffice it to say he's ECd now, and he _is_ less miserable, but he still has just as many tantrums.

Sometimes I think people are telling jokes, and it turns out they were serious... it's hard to come back from that... people really notice it. (Like the thing about giving a baby a toy while you read a book so that they'll sit still and listen -- which doesn't seem like it's really got anything to do with the book, anyway... so I still don't get it)

<sigh> I've never been good at fitting in, and this phase of life is *not* easier!

<sigh>

did I mention <sigh>?

Veering off topic, but I do get the toy thing. Some kids just need something else to do to allow them to settle enough to listen. It's like people who knit while they listen to a lecture or watch TV.

My daughter Hanni, not yet two, will hand me a picture book to read to her, and then pick up another one to "read" herself. I finally figured out she really does want me to read the first one, but she can't just sit there and do nothing! (Eventually she does settle down and focus on the book I'm reading.)

Anyway, I do get your main point, about other people's advice sometimes being way out of whack for your child.

Veering off topic is probably good in this case

DS does all kinds of ridiculous things while listening to books -- and he's made it clear he's listening! Giving him a toy, though, is likely to just make him annoyed -- it's not the one he wants, it won't do X at the right time, etc. At BEST, giving him a toy and then reading a book at him results in him attempting to jam the toy in your mouth to see if you can still read that way! (Now, letting him PICK a toy, that has some potential...)

I think it's the beginning that's different: Case 1) Kid wants to read, so you read. Whether the kid is playing with a toy, climbing up the drapes, or attempting to remove his diaper and place it on your head, the book is part of the game. Case 2) Kid does not want to read, but you think it's good for him. Whether you find a way to make him sit still or read it to him while he cries and rages and struggles, the book is not helpful.

We never tried to get DS to like books... but we were lucky, he just did, so when he got to be about 6 mos, and everyone expected him to like books, he already did. It seems like a majority of parents in my area are getting a lot of pressure to make sure their kid loves books by 6 mos, and most of the kids... well... don't. At least not in a sit-still-listen-and-point kinda way. And I think it's at least a bit circular. We didn't force him, so he saw the good parts. If we'd been withholding the bedtime nursing session until he sat through a book (not uncommon here), I'm not sure he'd have been focusing on the same aspects. We didn't even start doing bedtime stories until he was about 4 months old, which is something one has to be quiet about here. Average age to begin reading bedtime stories is between -2 mos and shortly after birth.

Actually I think "pushing" (as opposed to the "pushy" of the subject line), is endemic here. It's considered very bad if you don't read counting books and sing the alphabet song regularly by the time the baby is 6 mos old. Typically, by a year, kids are being taught numbers in at least three languages (not joking, in the library program we go to, we sing "One two three four five five five" in... count 'em 8-12 languages each week.)

It's very wonky, and I think it makes life particularly difficult for any one with a minimally compliant child. Kids that don't suffer boredom gladly are guaranteed not to like it. As I've mentioned before, DS really needs the stimulation of different places and people, and the structure of programs, but it's hard finding ones that aren't boring. Especially right now, when he's kinda between stages. Not welcome in the toddler programs, but not really suited to the baby ones. And it's gettning WORSE. He just keeps growing out of things. Thank goodness for summer!

blarg.

Wow ... I thought my area was competitive and one upping attitude ... looks like you have us beat. The 8-12 languages to count is definitely an extreme.

And I completely understand the reading to a young child and them liking it and demanding it. My DD was obsessed with books. She was talking in sentences by 6 months and mostly to ask questions as she went through book after book. They say you should stick with one or two books at that age so as not to confuse them. Haha ... yeah, right! She wouldn't have tolerated it. It was clear that she was building her vocabulary and with every 'What's this?' and 'What's that?' she would add a new word to her list. By the time she was a year old she had so many words I stopped counting.

I fully believe in reading to children to help build a love of books, but some kids are just naturally going to go that direction and not need such an effort put forth. DD was the kid that all other toys could go away; so long as she had/has her books she is happy.

I've been meaning to post on this but have been so busy lately! Anyways. About that mom. I don't know.. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she felt comfortable enough in that group to say these things? Maybe she's just clueless about what's acceptable to say and what's not? Although, that's a shame that she didn't seem to notice her kid like you said, it might have been a one time deal. It doesn't sound like you know her very well so there could've been something external to this meeting that caused her to act that one. I guess, I'm just saying this to add a different point of view. I'm not saying your wrong or anything.

I've had a few times so far where people have approached me about their kids being potentially gifted. If people find out what I do for a living they assume I was gifted growing up and that DD probably is too (ok, not wrong assumptions in this case) and I think they might just feel more comfortable "coming out" about it. Maybe it was a similar situation?

It does sound like you live in a very crazy area with everyone pushing early academics. I can relate. Here it is NUTS and sometimes I feel like I should be signing up DD for a billion different classes, etc. However, we can't afford any of that. It made winter pretty tough being stuck at home all day and especially with DD not sleeping much at all anymore but we just got creative. We really looked around for good indoor activities, tried out a bunch of different playgroups, etc. Now that the weather is better we're at the playground at least twice per day.

We try and follow DD's lead as much as possible so ditto for the books. She's also one that will want me reading a book to her while she may be reading her own books. Or other times we have 5 books out at once and she'll keep switching in between them. She also went through a phase where she didn't want to read as much too and we just waited it out. I don't like hearing about parents forcing stuff like that at such a young age. However, I guess it's their right...

Oh my.

That is just so wrong.

Everyone knows babies are sooo much more patient when they're tired and hungry.

Naaaaahhhhhhh..... EVERYONE knows babies need good sleep "hygiene" and a "clear bedtime routine."

Actually, the way I said it might be too strong. I think people do it in the same way as I sometimes withhold nursing until we're through the check-out line at the grocery store. It just seems totally unnecessary for a bedtime story.

(Ps: I enjoy a forum where I regularly give too _little_ detail, because people actually bother to read. It makes me giggle and think, both of which are good things :))