Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Dealing with the "Smart kid lable"

Anybody have thoughts on how to help kids deal with being the smart kid? (We are not ready to full grade accellorate.)

I've been trying to tell them it's nice to be smart but you need to find ways to challenge yourself, if school is not challenging enough. This will help you know how to learn well and feel happy. Is this the best approach? Any advice.


DD7 said all the kids think she is the smart kid. They come up to her and ask for help with their work.

I asked, How do you feel about that? I kinda like it but a boy kept asking me to help with his reading at library time.

Were you kind to help him? Yes, but then he was bugging me.

I'm going to bring this up with her again. It's nice and ok to help some but this is her reading/learning time. It's not her job to be the teacher. She is a student.

DS5 was grade accelerated so is in first, but he has mostly different work and has clearly been labeled "smart" He tells me how every day people tell him how smart he is. He has mentioned in the past that he didn't have time to get something done because he kept telling everyone else how to spell things because they kept asking him. He has talked a lot about helping others, which I obviously would like for him to do at times...but also wouldn't like for it to hold him back.

A while ago before school started he talked about how everyone calls him smart. I asked him what "smart" meant to him and he said that it meant "making good choices." When school started he realized "smart" took on a different meaning and looks at it in terms of just academics. He has had some behavior issues at school and he talked about how others always tell him how smart he is. I reminded him that smart is also making good choices and good decisions based on what you know. I told him that there are many that are very smart in that way as well, and many that have been making much better choices than he has. He said to me "well, I am not talking about that kind of smart, I am talking about the kind of smart where you know lots of things." (sigh). He is competitive about lots of things, I wish he would become a little more competitive about having better behavior...but it seems that is the least interesting thing to be competitive about. Oh well, maybe someday : )

After reading Carol Dweck's Mindset, I'd be worried about a child focusing on the "smart" label.

Read more:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1126743,00.html#ixzz0fFvZ9hXx

One of the best things that DS8 got out of being pulled from a school situation in which he wasn't being sufficiently challenged was that he no longer wrestles with the "smartest kid in class/school" stuff. It wasn't good for him in sooooo many ways. Back then, he bragged about how smart he was, which was a sign that he felt really uncomfortable with who he was and how he was perceived. Now that we're homeschooling, he's just himself. Even though he's much further ahead in his studies than the kids in the neighborhood, he never brags to them. He doesn't need to. He's a nicer, more confident, happier person. It seems a lot healthier.

For kids in traditional school situations, I sympathize mightily. I think it's very hard to wear those labels. You do get treated differently when you have one. And woe unto the smart kid who doesn't learn some particular thing easily or score the highest on a test once. There's a surprising amount of pressure.

I don't have any solutions. I wish I did. I think your DD probably just has to work out her boundaries and learn how to communicate them kindly but firmly. But it's not easy. I'm glad you're conscious of this and are supporting her.

A few months ago I read the new parenting book, "Nurture Shock" (author's name doesn't immediately come to mind), and like all parenting books there are some good gems you find. One of the topics in the book is how to keep kids motivated to try hard. The author thinks that one of the worst things for a kid is for everyone to call him/her "smart", because there is a risk of the child not trying when something doesn't come easy for them. This holds them back from tackling challenging work down the road.

My DS5 is often told he is smart and he likes to think he is smart! I try to tell him at night before he goes to bed that trying hard is more important than being smart. When he works hard at something I praise his effort more than the outcome. I don't know if it works but it seems to keep him motivated to try new things, especially outside of academics, like throwing a football or hitting a baseball.

The other day a neighbor boy was over and they were playing a game that my son was better at because he plays it a lot. When the friend became frustrated I heard my son say to him that he was doing well because he was trying. V. sweet. Just my thoughts.

I totally agree with trying to steer away from the "smart" label...it is hard because while we don't use the word at home (I can honestly say I have never called him smart) he hears it constantly all around him at school, church, and other family and places. Not sure how to possibly stop that. I have focused on the fact that life is not all about what you know, and he doesn't at all brag about what he knows at home or with others. It almost seems that it annoys him that everyone tells him he is smart. It is hard for kids that are used to getting everything right. We are trying to find more experiences for him that are challenging to round it out a bit. He is excited about starting t-ball this spring and hopefully will start some piano lessons soon too.


That's the best : )

I understand your concerns about your child acting as the 'teacher' rather than the student. However, our own research has shown that teaching others can help students to organise their own thoughts and helps to move them on to the 'next level' on a particular train of thought.

I do agree, though, that being labelled as 'smart' can put added pressure on kids at a time when enjoyment of life is such an important factor.

All the best.

One thing that we have found helpful is to insist on one activity that is hard and at which you get better only if you work at it. In DD's case it was the violin (she has now switched instruments after 6 years.)