Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school MY DD is just "TOO MUCH"

My DD 3.5 is often overwhelming, not just to me, but to others. Her energy is cranked up so high and she is so intense and excitable and even loud, that I wish there was a little knob to adjust her intensity a little bit. She even does things with too much gusto. She was having a tea party with another little girl today and they "toasted" and my DD did it with such force that she accidentally knocked the other girl down. It is as though she has this crazy pirate / ape in the body of a cute little blonde girl. I have done everything to model polite behavior, to guide her, to not speak in a booming voice etc. but she just is on HIGH to the point that I often feel the need to back away from her and that makes me sad. I am home full time with her and her almost two year old sister and there are times, that I just want to run out the door (I don't) because her speaking voice is so loud and so constant and her energy is like a volcano. We do have a nice time reading books and doing one on one activities and I love those times, but the bouncing off the walls and singing at the top of her lungs is a little much. We get out every day to do activities like storytimes or playdates and she goes to preschool two mornings a week. She is going to be this little for such a short period that I really want to enjoy it and sometimes we have a wonderful time esp. when we can do alone, but for the bulk of the time we are home with me, the three year old and two year old, the energy in the house is just TOO MUCH. She is better when her sister is not around, but that does not happen very often. The almost two year old is also bright, very active, and animated. We do have fun together and I love her dearly, but do not know what to do with my feeling overwhelmed by her and her annoying her father or others. I have worked to have her learn to do some things on her own at home, but even with that, She is overly exuberant with other children sometimes and hugs and kisses them and grabs them and is just a little TOO MUCH.... When she is in the room I can amost feel her energy swirling and taking over the room. I just wanted to vent here I guess.

My suggestion would be to set up the environment to allow for her to get out her gusto in appropriate ways. That might include: plenty of hard daily exercise - like swimming running and so forth, access to climbing, jumping and spinning equipment, opportunities to be outside and to be as loud as she wants. It might be also good to try to work with her to make a list of indoor behaviors that are allowed that help her get out some of the energy. A few ideas that come to mind are pushing the wall as hard as she can, turning up the music and dancing, yoga, and any activity that puts her on her belly like commando crawling across the living room and seeing how fast she can go. Even doing something like helping her learn the rules to wrestling might help.

The next step is to encourage her to start to better identify what she needs and how to redirect herself to where she can get that energy out in ways that are appropriate. If she has good outlets it may be that she can get some of it out before it comes out in ways that aren't appropriate.

If she doesn't already have them it sounds like she might benefit from some playmates, boys or girls, who share her energy level. Mom can try to crank it up and join in but you are just never going to be the equivalent of a pack of kids all roaring around being dinosaurs or pirates or whatever. She probably needs way to really get that out.

thanks, do you have children like this? I have found that the more she runs and jumps the more she revs up, and never seems to get it out. I took her to an open gym last night, bought her an indoor trampoline, took her to an indoor play place with a huge climbing structure the day before for three hours, a huge indoor children's museum where they run around, play with puppets, etc. the day before that for three hours,etc. It is hard to explain her energy though: it has a physical element, but it is more expressive and emotional. We live in a cold, snowy climate and it had been near zero on and off and it is hard with both of them outside, and I really don't like the cold so we don't get outside as much as she might like. I guess I just want to be able to be home with her and have her be able to just hang out in a calm way instead of needing to always be ON even after hours and hours of being somewhere where she should have gotten it "out." I just don't know other kids like this. Maybe we need to find boys for her to play with, but like I said her energy is mostly about loudly playacting stories, singing songs, talking and many boys are not as theatrical and verbal. I just do not have this sort of gusto--wish I did!

I was that kid. Also, I have a couple of kids I've been close to that are like this and in every case it improved a lot with age though maybe that thought doesn't help a lot right now.

Does she go to preschool? The break might be nice for both of you. Also drop off playdates might be a good break too. Any adult will get tired of it but the right kid may be a match made in heaven.

My D had some of the same issues, particularly in the area of personal space (hugging too hard - almost tackling, being so exuberant that she knocked other kids over, picking up other kids, etc.). It got better as she got older and went to school, there was pretty consistent pressure from teachers and other kids on those issues. But for her it was a learned behavior that those actions are not appropriate; it just wasn't intuitive. She was a whiz at acadmics But we worked at least as hard on some of these social skills and control issues as everyone else did on reading and math!

Thanks everyone. She does go to preschool twice a week for three hours. It isn't much, but it is a nice change. I do notice how she is different there too. We show up at 8 am and she is bouncing and running to hug and squeeze everyone and lots of kids seem as though they are just waking up still. When I pick her up, many kids seem ready to wind down and go take it easy at home and she is coming out of her skin ready to do something else. I do think she needs to be taught some social skills that must just come naturally for most kids. She has to be taught not to use a booming loud voice, not to put things right in others faces, not to grab people, and not to take over things and boss others around. I never pictured smart kids having these traits, but looking back, I suppose I was that child to some extent....hmmmmmmm I just think she is MORE MORE MORE than even I was and there are days I just don't know what to do with her. I would do drop off playdates but I worry about her being able to behave. I did one drop off one a month ago and she had such a big tantrum with such force that the mom said she can't come back :-( Her children are just so mild mannered and what she considered a huge tantrum in her children would be a joke to me. I am still upset and hurt over that whole experience. Upset that my DD had a fit over something silly. Upset that she didn't call me to ask for ways to calm her down. Upset that she said my DD can't come back. All my DD did was cry and scream, not throw things, break things, kick and scream, etc, but she has a very forceful personality and I guess it scared the mom to death. The mom has four kids, all very mild mannered, and just didn't know how to handle her so I guess I just don't trust her yet to behave without me around to intervene. She is fine at school as far as I know. I wish she had one friend more like herself...her little buddies her age are not at the same level of verbal and imaginative ability and none have this intense motor going all the time...

Twinkle Toes - I have two "too much" kids. I can imagine only too well how you are feeling. I can say that my two have calmed down considerably (they are now 7 and 8). My daughter did better socially than my son because she is by nature a kind, generous motherly sort. She too would hug kids obsessively and tightly, talk very loudly, boss kids around. School and some wonderful teachers helped her really channel all this energy into more appropriate behavior. She was able to see that the other kids might not like what she was doing. She is still intense as in if she meets a new friend or bonds on the playground over a game that person is now her "best best friend" and she "loves them".
My son on the other hand is still clueless as to how the other kids veer away from him as he talks too loud, gets in their space and jumps, tugs, and squeezes to get someone's attention. He often comes home upset because the kids won't play with him or said something mean about him. He claims he "did nothing" that would make them behave this way. It doesn't help that he was grade skipped and is not only intense but less mature than the other kids. Luckily his behavior is mellowing out although sometimes I wonder if he is just defeated and stays "small" to try and fit in. I do think he needs to adjust his behavior so as not to annoy everyone all the time but it seems to have been a "shrinking" experience and not a "growing" experience if that makes any sense to you.
Your post about being told that your daughter was no longer able to go to that parents house for a playdate really resonated as well. We had a birthday party situation here that resulted in a group of parents saying that they were trying to figure out how to have a birthday party and not invite DD. She didn't hurt anyone or say anything mean or bad - she was just loud and rambunctious etc. - on stimulus overload. It was her teacher who told me about the other parents because she thought I would want to know. I felt so many things - anger at the parents, shame and rejection on behalf of my DD, sad and hopeless because I just wanted her to have friends and to be able to let her play with friends etc. without worrying that she will overwhelm the parent/playmate. We are finally at that point although I still have a bit of anxiety when she is going to a friends house. I like when she picks friends who also have high energy etc.
My son unfortunately doesn't get invited for playdates very much. He has a different nature though and often prefers to be alone. I do not get to watch him interact with his peers as often but I do substitute in their school and he seems to be more socially appropriate now. I imagine the other kids responses to him have eventually sunk in a bit but it was a long painful sinking in. We tried everything else to try and help him learn to respect others space etc. but it seems that only the school of hard knocks had any effect. This was precisely what I was trying to avoid.
I wish I had an easy or any answer for you. Sorry if I rambled a bit about my kids. I wanted you to know you are not alone. Most important just keep lovingly setting your own personal space/time limits with your daughter. Do it consistently and verbally let her know that you need "quiet, personal space" etc. and help guide her in feeling positive when she allows that to happen. Feel free to vent here or in a PM to me anytime.

My D was so "too much" in preschool that we were told she could not go on any more preschool field trips unless my H or I went along to "handle" her. So... we did.

We also really tried to have playdates at our house as much as possible, kept them pretty short (an hour or so), and tried to put them at the best time of day for her from a behavior perspective (morning was best).

Thanks for sharing your stories. Are both children gifted? Did they have any other "issues" (sorry to be so blunt I am just trying to figure out why she might be like this)? It does give me some home when people say that things may mellow as she gets a little older. Aw, your note made my heart break, really, that is all so sad and I worry for my DD. As far as I know kids like her at preschool, but at times I think they may be overwhelmed. More than that, I worry about overwhelming parents when we go over for playdates. She can be very charming, animated, and sweet and many people say they really enjoy her, but she can also be defiant and simply too loud. I think I know what you mean about shrinking and not growing. That is so sad. That birthday situation must have been painful. I really don't know if there is much I can do to help her myself. I hope she picks up the cues, but who knows.

I found this article very interesting...a 'reframe'

http://eideneurolearningblog.blogspot.com/

Has anyone found that putting their child in a preschool with older kids has helped? I imagine that older children would provide more of the right kind of stimulation and be more able to withstand the space invasion.

Has anyone found that giving their child 'workbooks' for much older children or finding some way to wear the child out mentally helps regulate energy? Has she read 'Tuck Everlasting' that has some big ideas in it that might give a need for pondering time.

Do you have a sand tub in the house where she can search for small objects? Hand putty? You could consider seeing an Occupational Therapist. They are specialists in finding activities for helping kids manage their energy. Your insurance might cover it.

Karate is an old favorite. I'm guessing your DD would look adorable in that little outfit and be very precise about it.

I was very unaware of what was going on with my son at age 3. I thought that all kids were just like him at home, where I couldn't see it.

Sounds like a bright teen or tween 'mother's helper' would be a good investment in your surenity.

Best Wishes,
Grinity