Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Ummm that went well (sarcastic) Major SIL Vent LOL

Yeah that went well....not. GAAH. So we went to dh's parents house the day after christmas and his sister and her 2 kids were there....one is 6.5 and in K because he was red shirted and the other is DD's age.

Well DD and her cousin that is her age could not be more different. DD's switch was set on high at bith and got stuck there LOL. She is constantly asking questions, exploring, making connections, never stops moving, and is reading on a K-1 level. Well Maybe DD would have played with her if she was more outoing, but she sits quitly and plays with dolls and that holds dd intrest for about a min. Usually DD would have interacted with a 6 year old more...she loves that age and converses and plays very well with them, but her 6 year old couisin is used to his sister and considered DD a baby like her and it frusterated DD to no end. So DD spent her time talking to adults, doing complicated puzzles, mazes, and of course...reading.

Well this did not seem to go over well with my SIL. She commented that children who can read at DD age can only do it by memory, and if they don't practice they wil forget how by K...umm DD can sound out new words she has never seen, so it is not all by memory. She also said that I "teach" DD and that is why she knows all she does....well she calls teaching when I answer DD's questions. For example...DD asked me what were those black lines (talking about power lines) so I told her. Then DD asked what is a power line, so I explained. I don't consider this "teaching" DD, but just being a parent. If DD asks me a question, I am going to answer her. It was extreamly frusterating to hear DD's abilities put down and to be told she is only like this beacuse I work with her. When in reality, I purly follow her lead, but yes if DD asks me something, I will show her. DD asked for weeks how to read a clock, so one afternoon I showed her. Yes I taught her, but only because she asked for weeks, and it seriously took me showing her once before she got it. I understand she is defensive, and that her daughter does not asks questions the way my child does, but I do not put her child's talents down. Her son is wonderful at drawing...I don't say any 6 year old can do that. ..or every id will be able to draw like him in a few years. I say "wow, he is really good. Most kids can't even begin to draw like that." So why does she have to try to make me feel bad about the way my DD is?!

Sorry thanks for reading, just really needed to vent. Thankfully we came home today so..shaking it all off.

{{{Hugs}}}

Shaking it off is the right thing to do. Chalk it up to her own insecurity and competitiveness.

In the future, I'd recommend avoiding discussing your child with her at all. You know how things will go, so why go there? If she brings it up, smile and change the subject. Bonus points if you can change the subject to allow you to say nice things about her kids, as you did about the drawing. It's hard to be nasty about someone's child when they're saying lovely things about your own...especially if they won't talk about their child!

It's good to learn who is okay to talk to and who isn't. Not everyone understands giftedness. It's hard, but it's probably better to figure it out while your child is still young enough for most of the barbs to go past her.

I'm sorry for the bad time! Smiles to you now!

Good grief! People are so weird! I just don't get it. It sounds like you handled it in a very positive manner, but I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's definitely just her own insecurity. If only these people knew that while we appreciate our children's gifts and talents, we also deal with some major struggles. I often consider those people lucky not to have to deal with those challenges, but I sure don't resent them, nor am I jealous that their kids don't have daily meltdowns (well...maybe I am a little but I don't act rude about their children!!!). Thank goodness for this site, right? It's such a relief to come here and know others can relate. Take a deep breath and shake it off, as you say!

I give you a lot of credit for handling yourself so well. It is hard when others just don't understand. I agree better to find out now then when your DD is older and picks up on the conversation.

You handled that really well. Next time try to bring a playmate for DD if possible, or visit on alternate days. (Can we visit on a day that's just for us? We love to have Grammy ALL to OURSELVES!) The best news is that over time, you won't feel so bad when other people accuse you of 'teaching' her, or pusing or whatever.

You'll be able to say - 'yes, part of who I am is someone who loves to know about the world, and I do share that with my daughter.' When they accuse you of teaching her how to read, you might say: 'I love it when parents interact with their children in any way - would you like me to give you some tips?!?'

Of it you don't say it, you'll think it, and s-m-i-l-e.

You will get there! It does get easier.
Love and More Love,
grinity

{rolls eyes} Correct response to DD, "Sorry dear, I can't explain that to you or you might learn something!"

Really, honestly? I wonder what she does if her kids ask her a question. You handled it ALOT better than I would have...

I'm sorry my SIL & BIL are bit the same way. I got the "You know she can not read!" comment when DD was 22mo and she sight read some words. And I never said or thought she can read. I wonder what would they say now that she might be around the same level than his 6 year old cousin. Well they live far away for now. They also loved to make a point how their kids did everything that DD was doing at the same age. I don't really care if they did or not, I just don't like how they can not give her any credit with out mentioning how their kids did it too.

We also love to hear about their kids DHs nephews achievements and I think we are the only ppl they can freely brag. Those boys are amazing and it does not make me jealous only proud. I wonder how they can not feel the same way about DD, I know they love her a lot.

We only saw MIL & FIL and I'm not sure how well it went.

Back when DS13 was younger and 'playdates' were a group thing, I observed lots of parents who didn't really answer kids questions. Honest. They would change the subject, or give a silly answer. I just saw the movie 'Shallow Hal' and it referred to the idea that the brain interprets reality based on it's preconceived notions.

I think that most parents of ND kids start with a falsely low preconceived notion about what their child can understand, and then they have a few experiences where they do try an explanation, and the child loses interest. So they confirm their preexisting bias and stop.

I definitely took me a while to figure out what explanations my son would be interested in and which ones he would tune out.

But I know that ND parent's severely underestimate what their child might be able to handle, because my job will once in a while causes me to interact with children while their parents are in the room. When I treat the kids like intelligent creatures who have a smaller store of information, I can see the parent's eyes pop out in the corner of the room. Then the children respond with curiosity and interest, and I watch the parents eyes pop even more.

Sometime the parents will say something like: 'Did you hypnotize my child?'

Expectation creates our world every second. ((shiver))

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I can commiserate - it is tough monitoring your conversations all the time. I make at least one gaff each time we get together for dinner with my mother, my sister and her family. I have the added mine field of a ND nephew a year older than DS, so comparisons are common and a niece who has extreme special needs (6 years old, not talking beyond a few words, not able to do most things a three year old can do.) I have another sister who is always bragging about her children, who I think are both gifted, but will not listen to stories about anyone else's children without immediately bring it back to her awesome children.

It is nice that we have a place where you can "brag" all you want about your children. I know I am in awe of many of the posts about Amazed Mom's little girl among others (and also in awe that you have not gone off the deep end yet with such a high energy child.) That being said, it just isn't the same as having a live conversation with our family or friends and it is sad when we must police ourselves so much.

As for the topic of answering children's quesitons, my DH had an interesting conversation with my mom when he drove her home from Thanksgiving. She actually admitted that she thought that I would answer my DS8's questions much to thoroughly and with way to much detail, but could now see that it was his need for information that led me to give such long answers. (in other words, all those times I thought she thought I was not being a good parent were not just in my head ) She sounded as though she finally "got it" - time will tell.

Grinity, I have had similar experiences with children - they seem to connect easily with me, maybe because I also approach them as "intelligent creatures who have a smaller store of information."

Sometimes I think people come from such different places that it's all words and no communication. I recently had a conversation of this kind with my sister in law. She told me, among other things, that her son needs preschool because, unlike my DD, he has never been forced to sit still and listen to people read books. Aack!!! I was horrified. I would never make DD sit still and listen to a book. I rarely even volunteer to read books--she just asks me. But I kept my mouth shut and a few days later I realized that she was just trying to make me feel better about DD not being in preschool. So, even though her facts were way off, and her parenting philosophy is hugely different from mine, I can appreciate that she was trying to be supportive.

You might find, if you reevaluate this conversation with your SIL, that she was actually trying to praise you for educating your DD. Maybe when she said that young kids who read do so by memory she was trying to acknowledge your DD's advanced memory. Maybe she was trying to reassure you that your DD isn't as advanced as she seems--and, while that might seem negative, she may have meant that in a good way. And maybe, even if she really was being as snarky as it sounds, you could try to take it in a positive light for your and your DD's sake--or just to spite her.

I also want to say, very gently, that sometimes our worries about others' reactions become self-fulfilling prophesies. I know that you felt pressured to hide your DD's abilities, and it sounds like you didn't do that, but there was probably a good deal of defensiveness on your part that colored your perceptions as well as your reactions. Sometimes the best defense against this sort of thing is no defense at all--just blind, determined cheerfulness.