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Joined: Dec 2005
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I don't really get why he isn't as wowed as me, in that holy cow amazement or simple appreciation of the unusual. I get that a lot, he doesn't. I'd love for him to say, "you'll never believe what DS did today".
Polly Those moments will come, Polly, in part as DS gets more comfortable with himself and is willing to 'show' himself to DH. At least that's what happened in our house. When DS was in 4th grade, he got really frustrated with the Math program (they spent 6 weeks on perimeter) and by that age, DS was already hiding much of the time, except with his safest person, who happened to be me. Did this put me in the position of everyone else thinking I was crazy? Sure did! But I started Afterschooling him, and got him started on Aleks.com, because I couldn't bear for my son to think that he hated math. The 'enforced underachievment' started to thaw a bit, and one evening I returned to DH and DS and they both had big satisfied smiles on their faces. They had gotten into a conversation about graphs, and DS, then 9, who had tremendous reluctance to do any writing or drawing, just 'had' to have graph paper to create some answer to some Math question they were discussing, and since we didn't have any in the house, he decided to make some. So he sat for 2 hours and drew graph paper, and then proved his point. As soon as DH could get me alone, he said: "you'll never believe what DS did today". It was so sweet! Since that day, DS has been much more able to be 'deep' in front of dad, and DH has come to see that 'I was right.' ((great big satisfied smile)) I try not to rub it in, and fully expect that in a few years, DH will be telling stories that demonstrate how he knew from an early age that DS was just going to need 'more.' Then I'll be totally satisfied. Grinity
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DH didn't reaize for a while just how advanced DD was as he was never really around other kids her age, I read him what is normal for her age, and ten we went through the lists together to find out what age it was normal for a child to be doing what DD was...that was very eye opening to both of us. I did that but he does not believe the charts can be real. He does believe DD is smart but he thinks every above average child are like DD and if not they could be if exposed to the same life than DD. Do you think there is a reason your DH does not want her to be so advanced? Do you think he has concerns, or something in his past that makes him weary of labeling dd as gifted? We are not from US so we were never tested to be gifted so he thinks the term is weird. His school experience was more positive than mine, he had few good friends that shared his interests. I'm more worried as I always knew I was different. I had lot of friends but none of them shared any of my interests. I think he also feels he is stupid as his talents are more linguistics and he thinks he should be more talented in math to be smart. I'm the opposite so he seems to think I'm smarter. He was an early reader himself. DD is much more advanced than either one of us were at her age. I am impressed when any kid learns to read. So many can't. Yes this is very true. My husband was also skeptical when DS was that age. He tried to tell me that DS had "memorized" books he hadn't seen before. He also says that DD has memorized everything or asks me when did I tell her what it said. but you do not actually need him to understand.
It is your internal doubts that are bothering you the most. Conquere them, and your DH will fall into line. This is very true, I think it bothers me so much as I'm still bit in denial myself. In the meantime, read 'losing our minds, gifted children left behind' and send DH on playdates with normally developing agemates. That may be easier said than done, as it's sometimes hard to find agemates your child will enjoy who aren't themselves gifted, but do it anyway. Send him to some 'mommy and me' type classes and let him see for himself. It will take as long as it needs to take. Sorry. and it isn't fair. But I am grateful that your child has at least one parent who 'gets it.' I read the book few weeks ago and in every level I find kids that did something sooner or later than mine. It mostly made DD feel normal as she was like lot of those kids. Reading the text I think she might be level 3-4 on the other hand I have no idea. It is quite sad but we do not know that many kids. I think it is harder for their dads if they are not around other children the same age. We go through the same thing over here. He actually thinks she is slow half the time and she knew letter sounds at 1.5, did complex puzzles,said things like "an octogon has eight sides" well before two, knew pentagons, trapezoids, etc. by 1.5, read words and easy books at 2, and was even spelling at two and on and on. She is three now and talks about feeling suffocated and needing to concentrate and enjoying conversation, makes up elaborate songs and stories and memorized hundreds of stories songs and poems and can read some fairly large words. I really don't know what is normal either, and even though she has been tested and has high scores, I wonder if she really is gifted, but people are contantly commenting on what she says and knows and I am around other young kids, but honestly, I really don't know what normal two and three year olds do. I do spend time with her, but she pulls things out of the air that surprise me and I didn't teach her directly Thank you, you seem to be in the same situation, except we don't have any scores and might never get one. I update him but he doesn't like it when I ramble about choices, decisions, issues, etc. I've heard it's characteristic of men that I need to ask him one thing specifically (e.g. Should DS skip another grade?) rather than tossing out ideas for an hour. Very true, I felt exactly the same way when I was pregnant. I used lot of time to figure out which carseat and stroller we should get and DH was not interested at all. He said he does not need to be as he knows I research everything so well, if he tried it would not make a difference as I would still know much more about strollers and carseats as he ever could. I think he would do more if I would did not do\know it already. Basically sometimes when he thinks about DS being gifted he feels uncomfortable or guilty. I think DH is afraid what do ppl including his sisters think if DD is truly so advanced she seems now. He hopes she would be like his nephews are, very smart but in a less obvious way.
Last edited by oli; 12/15/09 09:26 AM.
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.... I think he believes I have somehow made DD to be so advanced. I don't think it is true. He thinks all the kids her age could read if someone would bother to tell them the alphabets. ...
How can I get him to take me seriously? He makes me doubt too. 1. Don't doubt that your daughter is gifted. 2. If your husband wants to give you credit for your daughter being so bright, will it hurt anything to let him believe that at this point?
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....
It was so sweet! Since that day, DS has been much more able to be 'deep' in front of dad, and DH has come to see that 'I was right.'
((great big satisfied smile))
I try not to rub it in, and fully expect that in a few years, DH will be telling stories that demonstrate how he knew from an early age that DS was just going to need 'more.' Then I'll be totally satisfied.
Grinity  I wish there was a 'rolling on the floor laughing' emoticon!
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I did that but he does not believe the charts can be real. He does believe DD is smart but he thinks every above average child are like DD and if not they could be if exposed to the same life than DD. Honestly I believed exactly this until 2nd grade and the 'trouble with school' accelerated. We are not from US so we were never tested to be gifted so he thinks the term is weird. His school experience was more positive than mine, he had few good friends that shared his interests. I'm more worried as I always knew I was different. I had lot of friends but none of them shared any of my interests. We are from the US, but otherwise I could have written this about DH and I. I think he also feels he is stupid as his talents are more linguistics and he thinks he should be more talented in math to be smart. I'm the opposite so he seems to think I'm smarter. He was an early reader himself. DD is much more advanced than either one of us were at her age. Take advantage of the fact that he thinks you are smarter to lead the way. Throw a lot of statistics at him. Read Maricia Gross. I read the book few weeks ago and in every level I find kids that did something sooner or later than mine. It mostly made DD feel normal as she was like lot of those kids. Reading the text I think she might be level 3-4 on the other hand I have no idea. It is quite sad but we do not know that many kids. The book says that no one expects your living breathing child to perfectly line up with the levels, but this gives you a ballpark idea that your child 'really is' Profoundly Gifted. I don't know if you have sightseeing ambitions or relatives to visit in the US, but coming over for an IQ test might be a good idea. In a very years, you may be able to have someone test her over the Internet - who knows? Some countries don't have a definition of 'gifted' but are much more accepting of 'high achievement' than the U.S. which always dresses up their Presidents as lumberjacks at least once while they run for office to prove that they are 'regular guys.' Plenty of working class people in the U.S. are actually gifted, but the myth here is that you can be either 'down to earth and in touch with what really matters' OR 'highly intelligent,' but not both. Very Sad all around. Is it possible for your family to get out there and mingle? Sometimes religious groups get a pretty good cross section... I think DH is afraid what do ppl including his sisters think if DD is truly so advanced she seems now. He hopes she would be like his nephews are, very smart but in a less obvious way. Sounds like me a 8 years ago! It is a big worry, and if any of us could snap our fingers and get 'very smart but less obvious' kids, I think most of us would at least be very tempted. Best Wishes, Grinity
Last edited by Grinity; 12/15/09 10:52 AM.
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Thank you for all the advice. The book says that no one expects your living breathing child to perfectly line up with the levels, but this gives you a ballpark idea that your child 'really is' Profoundly Gifted. I don't know if you have sightseeing ambitions or relatives to visit in the US, but coming over for an IQ test might be a good idea. In a very years, you may be able to have someone test her over the Internet - who knows? Some countries don't have a definition of 'gifted' but are much more accepting of 'high achievement' than the U.S. which always dresses up their Presidents as lumberjacks at least once while they run for office to prove that they are 'regular guys.' Plenty of working class people in the U.S. are actually gifted, but the myth here is that you can be either 'down to earth and in touch with what really matters' OR 'highly intelligent,' but not both. Very Sad all around.
Is it possible for your family to get out there and mingle? Sometimes religious groups get a pretty good cross section... I don't think she is profoundly gifted maybe HG or even MG  We are actually now living in US, DD was born here. We are planning to move back to Europe around the time she turns 4 so I think she will be still too young to be tested before that. Maybe we will make a trip back to US later if we have a need to test her, but at that point it might not a fair to compare her to native english speakers anymore. She does seem quite a bit more advanced than the few kids we know but it might just be that we do not see what those kids can really do.
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Oli,
I understand perfectly. My DP held onto her denial with a death grip. Until the day DS' acceptance to DYS showed up. Suddenly it wasn't me tooting DS' horn, it was an organization that has a very stiff criteria. That was the day the light bulb lit.
Shari
Mom to DS 10, DS 11, DS 13
Ability doesn't make us, Choices do!
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I don't think she is profoundly gifted maybe HG or even MG We are actually now living in US, Earth to Oli: Ruf level '3 or 4' just plain isn't 'MG or HG' - it's PG, at least by Davidson standards as 'too high to be measured by modern IQ tests' either take my word for it, or if you have the cash, set up a phone conference with Dr. Ruf. You need to get yourself over your denial before you go back home, because you are going to have to step up to the plate and be the family leader on this issue. Leaders deserve support! Love and More Love, Grinity
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Earth to Oli: Ruf level '3 or 4' just plain isn't 'MG or HG' - it's PG, at least by Davidson standards as 'too high to be measured by modern IQ tests' either take my word for it, or if you have the cash, set up a phone conference with Dr. Ruf. You need to get yourself over your denial before you go back home, because you are going to have to step up to the plate and be the family leader on this issue. Leaders deserve support!
Love and More Love,
Grinity I'm thinking maybe I'm biased and she is not really 3-4, it is possible she is just an early bloomer. At this point I'm happy she loves her daycare, has two good friends there and one amazing teacher. I'll see in a year if we need to do something before moving. Thank you for all the advice and support
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...Ruf level '3 or 4' just plain isn't 'MG or HG' - it's PG, at least by Davidson standards as 'too high to be measured by modern IQ tests' My dd#1 fits quite comfortably into the developmental descriptions of level 4 on Ruf's levels and I'm pretty sure she is HG. She tested MG at 7, but her raw scores within one IQ subtest ranged from 8-19+, so we're not sure how accurate that is. Her achievement scores border on DYS qualification, but aren't quite there. In our experience, it seems that a level 4 can be below PG, but you are probably right that it isn't MG ! On the original question, though, how is your dd's relationship with your dh and how is his opinion of himself? My dh sees some aspects of himself in dd#1 and he has rather awful self esteem. Even with her being very obviously bright (GT id in school, grade skip, IQ scores, 99th percentile achievement scores...) he still says stupid things like, "you know, she has some of me in her too. She's really going to struggly academically." I need a hit him upside the head smilie! He's always gotten along better with our younger dd and, as a result, thinks that she is brighter and doesn't think that there is something "wrong" with her the way he does our oldest. Fortunately, no one else thinks that dd#1 has anything wrong with her. She's a pretty wonderful 11 y/o. My point is that some of his denial may be self denial if he relates to your dd at all.
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