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Anyone ever been asked to kind of dumb down your kid?

Ew. No. Has someone asked that of you?

yes-
sorry the rest of my post didn't go through for ome reason... here it is

Dh was talking to MIL on the phone, and MIL knows how advance DD 2.8 is. KNows that she is doing K and 1st grade level activities....well we are going at christmas and DD cousin who is her age, only 2 months apart....will be there. She is ND.
Well MIL asked us to try to not have DD "talents" showcased, and to not talk much about the things DD is doing.

Now I never tal much about DD's abilities to other parents, but I will not not bring the things DD loves to do. Her mazes that are for 1st graders, her jigsaw puzzles, etc..because she will be bored out of her mind. This is wat I think MIL is askingg us not to bring because it will highlight the difference. I a not sure how to andle this situation. DD is aso reading some as well as doing math in everyday situations...umm I am not going to stop her...how should I handle this?

Well, first of all, I think that this is something I'd leave between DH & MIL. He needs to be the one telling her that you'll try not to bring it up (why would you, anyway?) but that you can't hide it. Maybe you could compromise, leave the mazes and puzzles in the car, and only run out to get them if DD starts climbing the walls.

Second, does the maze book say that it's for first graders? If not, I wouldn't stress about that at all. Same for the puzzles. I think people generally think (and it's probably true) that this is mostly a matter of interest. But that said, you might find when you get there that your DD will be way more interested in playing with her cousin and her cousin's toys than in doing mazes or puzzles. There's no way that my DD is going to sit around reading or doing mazes when her (ND) cousin is around.

If she starts reading her cousin's books or adding up her toes, there's not much you can do about that. Shrug, move on.

I agree with no5no5. Just last night we went over to a friend's house and she has twin 3 year olds. I brought DSs Leapster so he could have that but he never took it out. He was content playing with all of the twins' toys that he'd never seen.

Just bring her stuff and take it out if she starts to get bored. I know that it's sad that we have to be like this but don't bring up anything that she's doing. I've had to learn to do that around certain people just to keep friends. Even now when people say "my son knows their letters, does your son?" I reply with "yes" instead of "yes, he's been knowing them since he was 1 and he's reading chapter books". People don't see to take that too well

I think it's sad that your MIL brought that up but at the same time some people are really threatened by children like ours.

I don't know. It's a real issue as obviously one doesn't want to make other parents, especially relatives, feel unhappy about their child's development. No one benefits by discovering just how far ahead your DD is. And yet one doesn't want to deny your DD activities or shush her up, that wouldn't be fair to her.

Thanksgiving was a bit of a trial for us as DS2.6 was doing some things a 4.5 year old relative there wasn't yet. The grandma was playing a academically oriented game with the four year old and actually said, "Come here (to my DS), X (the 4 year old) can't do this but I bet you can", in front of X. Of course DS did it, luckily the X's parents weren't in the room, and X seemed to not be paying attention. Could have been a lot more awkward.

Instead of trying to hide DS's abilities we just complimented the 4 year old and the parents on everything we could think of. Kid running in circles: "He's so fast, wow, he'll be great at soccer.", When he was whining to the point the parents got angry, "He's not one to give up is he, I wish I had his persistence". "Wow so he comes when you tell him to, what's your secret?". Etc.

We did save his maze book for times when the relatives weren't around. Still the grandma saw us doing it and commented and we said, "oh we do mazes together" (technically true, it was a tiny little one too small for his fingers, so he says which way and I draw the line).

We breathed a sigh of relief driving away to tell you the truth, next year is going to be worse.

As far as things you bring maybe just bring a big range of levels of everything, throw in some books and puzzles that your DD has outgrown (down to peg), that will make your DDs level faintly less obvious and give the ND cousin something to play with too. We have a couple of peg type puzzles DS still likes as he uses the figures/animals for characters for pretend play, maybe you have something similar.

There are activities too that don't have too clear age boundaries, by planning carefully ahead you may be able to bring some open-participation things. For example, making puppets from old socks, the ND cousin will be able to choose some items for you to glue on the sock. Probably some Xmas ornament crafty things would be open-age too, can't think of what at the moment.

Good luck, we're staying home for Xmas!

Polly

IMHO, there's a huge difference between not showing off and not allowing your child to be 1) herself and 2) happy.

You don't show off with your DD, of course. No "party tricks." No talk about what amazing thing she can do. We're adults. We can handle that.

BUT...

She's a kid. She is not even 3 yet! Grandma and the rest of the family need to accept that she's smart and that it's not a competition. The other grandkids are amazing in their own ways. Not all kids are gifted, but all kids have gifts and they ALL deserve to have those gifts celebrated. There's more to life than being smart!

I'm afraid I'm of the opinion that the sooner they learn to accept your DD as she is, the easier things will be for everyone. If your MIL is of the generation who doesn't want to be different in any way, this will be harder, however. (I do think there's something of a generation gap there. My mom has always worried a lot more about not standing out than my sister or I do.)

And I agree that if it's your MIL making a big deal about this, then your DH needs to handle it if possible. It's a minefield for you if he's not the point man.

Thanks everybody. We will be there for 3 days, so I know DD will have to have some of her stuff out. Plus, two of her cousins will be there, the one DD's age and one in Kindy....DD is doing most things he is and tends to gravitate to older kids in everyday play, so I am a little nervous of how it goes. I would never "show off" so o speak. Just like I dont in everyday life.

I will just have to see how it goes...and have to have DH talk to his mom. I definitly want the family to accept DD for who she is.. Sigh....should be interesting

When I take the boys out I don't bring many toys. Generally they play with the other kids and their toys. That tends to level the playing field a bit. Mostly we visit older kids who just accept the boys as they are (they normally all play on about the same level even with the age gap).

I don't go out of my way to talk about what they do, but if asked I answer simply and if they seem awkward change the subject to their kid. Most parents will happily talk about their own kid and that is a good way to deflect awkward moments.

I look at it this way, if they had autism I wouldn't go out of my way to tell people about it, but I certainly wouldn't avoid the topic if asked. If some of their symptoms happened to cause an issue I would explain the diagnosis as a reason to avoid the actions being blamed on bad manners or bad parenting. When Bear has a tantrum because of his sensory issues I say why he is acting that way if asked. If someone asks Brendan about school and looks astounded when he answers truthfully I explain that he has special educational needs.

Your kid is SMART. If you try to hide it I'm guessing she will notice what you are doing and wonder why it needs to be hidden. I would be very careful modeling that her abilities are not "ok." Unless you can give her an explanation that you feel comfortable with I wouldn't try to hide it. You might try explaining to her before hand that the other kids probably won't be interested in mazes and some of the other things she is, but that she should be able to find fun things to do that everyone will enjoy.

If it helps, Amanda, it has been my experience that kids tend to care a whole lot less than adults do. I have a feeling the kids will all get along great--maybe better because your DD will be able to hang out with the older cousin as well as she can the one who is her own age. It's Grandma who will have the problem.

*sigh*

Best wishes!