Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion The face of calm.....

I hear you, but I could go either way. If he's just finagling for more computer time, then of course that's a problem. If he's fustrated and acting out because he's not having his needs met, well, that's a different story.

No, the hitting behavior isn't okay, and "not enough computer time" isn't an excuse for that bad behavior. But it might be an explanation, and in that case, more computer time might fix the behavior problem.

Personally, I think I'd give it a trial run. If his behavior improves, great. If he still hits, the computer goes back on the chopping block and he can factor that into his decision whether to hit or not.

If nothing else, it reinforces the notion that talking civilly works better than tantrums!

I think it's also important to get across to him that he doesn't get to pick his consequences. He gets to make his choices but life doesn't let you pick your consequences. You love him too much to let him grow up thinking he has this kind of power.

Hope the trial run works out and I'm impressed with his reasoning. I've had similar experiences as Kriston with problematic behavior when DD's computer time is over. The consequence is a break from the computer and she usually asks (screams!) for a different consequence. I stay firm with the original consequence because I don't want her to think she controls her consequences. DD is usually very upset when she wants a different consequence but if she approached it like your son did, I might reconsider the next time.

I recently finished the book "Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child" by Dr. Todd Cartmell. Even though the book is not written for gifted kids, I really liked it. It prioritized the fundamental behavior expectations that we try to achieve in our household. (FYI: Dr. Todd Cartmell's biblically based techniques equip parents to help children break disrespectful habits and instead nurture respectful behaviors.)

Dr. Cartmell is a child psychologist and the book talks a lot about the respect-privilege connection. "Why is it so critical to help our children see this distinction between rights and privileges? . . . We want our children to learn that treating people respectfully will always work out better than treating them disrespectfully. To put it in language that kids will clearly understand, the child who treats others respectfully will experience the benefits that only respectful behavior can bring." He actually addresses computer time and video games a lot in the book- including how to get kids to stop when you determine it is time for them to stop playing and how to link computer time (or any other "privilege") with respectful behavior. He uses a lot of dialog examples with his patients that I liked because it presents you with a model script for introducing the concepts to your kids.

Because it is a Christian-based book, I understand it may not be appropriate for your family beliefs but I do think the overall concepts could work well in any household regardless of religious beliefs (you do have to wade through some Bible verses though). It is a quick read with lots of applicable nuggets of information. I think it is worth a read!

I agree with giving him computer time for the reasons that he gave, but that only applies to school related use. Free time on the computer, games, fun, social networking sites, etc... You can still cut those out for bad behavior. True, you wouldn't take away his grammar for bad behavior, but you sure as heck might tell him you won't play Scrabble with him because he's being a jerk.

This is a topic near and dear to our hearts. We have a Wii and a computer. DS9 is a computer wiz, can find any answer to any question on the net, is learning programming (he is taking a class that is surprisingly too easy for him), can type at reasonable speed after rejecting all efforts being taught. He loves to blog, research, send e-mail, debug software, etc etc etc.

But too much screen time makes him ornery. We have an electronic timer and both educational and recreational computer time is monitored. It doesn't work for him to say "I'm working on programming now" open ended. He would sit at the computer all day until he was starving, drooling, and ready to take our heads off. I can let him work on it for 1/2 hour, the timer goes off, and he better be off if he expects any additional computer time in the near future. If he can't find his timer or fails to turn it on, he's done. We laid down these rules and he lives by them now and doesn't even bother to complain about consequences any more. He gets 20-30 recreational minutes a day and educational use is doled out in small quantities as needed. His recreational time is the first thing to go if we have behavioral problems.

Anyway - thought I'd share our tool with you FWIW! The timer is VERY important at our house! Good luck!

HAHAHAHAHA! I know EXACTLY what you mean! Entertaining and accurate!

That's a tough situation. DS5 is very into the computer, but we definitely limit it. If he has a bad day at school (determined by his color changes) he loses computer and TV for the day. It doesn't happen all that often but at least once a week lately. He does go on computers every day at school because he has a program he does on it and they let him play puzzle games apparently but that is another story. He LOVES the computer, but I know that is what he loves so that is what we have to take. Thankfully DS doesn't argue and try to get us to change it ever because he figured out that we never have taken back a punishment that we gave him (although we have occasionally lessened a punishment due to marked change in behavior). He does whine and fuss about other things though and can be quite emotional....this used to be really bad but has gotten better in the last several months. If you don't want to take computer away completely you can also limit the time. He could lose time for certain offenses. Or he could only do educational type things at times. My DS loves those puzzle games and while they are educational and visual spatial and math oriented, I still limit them because there are other things that he can do on the computer and he often won't branch out unless he has to.

I think since hitting is so serious, it's important to have a serious consequence, but you also need to get to the bottom of what is going on and what is making him feel like he needs to hit. That's harder. Sometimes these kids, and lots of kids in general, go through stages where they feel really strong emotions and aren't sure how to handle it and need to be given other ideas.

Anyhow, good luck to you! I don't know how you do all that you do with those kids, your business, homeschooling. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

Ha - glad it's just not at our house! It's kind of disturbing.

I come from a dad who is a computer programmer now my brother is a coder and telecommutes 1000 miles, as does my sister in law. My brother and sister in law sit in the same room and IM eachother rather than talk- it's weird but it works for them! My husband is an online gamer and DS learns by far the best from the computer. Fine by me, I get the TV to myself lol!

I'm a pretty big believer in natural consequences. I wouldn't have taken away the computer for my son hitting in a different setting unrelated to it. Now if I'd said "get off" leaned over to turn off the screen and hit me? You bet. In the circumstance you described, I would have taken him home from the location immediately (or made him sit out if I had to). Depending on why the incident happened, he may have to make an apology to the kid, write a letter apologizing etc. I also have a copy of "Hands are not for hitting" and I have made him (at 6!!) sit and read the book aloud 3x.

By the way, as a kid, my mom always made me choose my own consequences. She says that as a perfectionist, HG+ kid, I was always far harder on myself than she would have ever been!

Hmmm...I may have to rethink my approach and try this.