Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Unreasonable expectations?

I'm replaying something over in my head and wondering if I have unreasonable expectations.

Some history - DSs handwriting has been an issue brought up by teachers since he started school. His handwriting isn't great, by any means, but I see improvement - WITH EFFORT. I emphasize "with effort" because this is what I'm concerned about. DS has been accelerated one grade and the teacher has mentioned the handwriting. She said that it's a skill he could work on and I'm in agreement. However, I'm left with the impression by some other folks at the school that it's just fine (considering the grade skip) and that having to really look to decipher the answer is not unusual. After thinking about the meeting, I'm left with the impression that some people are thinking that we put too much pressure on DS and expect too much. And I don't know why, but it bothers me. Just to rule anything else out, we are going to have an OT evaluation.

We remind DS that homework has to be legible, usually every day. I don't consider this pressure, but a reminder that seems to work for him. We've asked that his teacher count off if she's unable to read something that he's written or if she's able/willing to provide a reminder that it has to be neat (as neat as he's been able to do in the past). The reason for this is that I've seen the child's tests where the writing has to be better and it is. I believe that DS knows when he's got to put forth effort and he does - but if he doesn't feel it's necessary, he'll ease up and get sloppy. I guess, if the expectation isn't there, why would he bother especially when it's been good enough all along?

I don't expect (or even want) perfection, but I'm afraid that without an expectation of 'better' DS won't see the point - and then what happens when he does encounter someone who isn't going to look for the correct answer in the writing (because they're pretty certain it's there) because they're not interested or inclined to do so? In my opinion, it would be unfair to let him do 'good enough' without working to do better (again, because he can and has) and then have him all of a sudden hit a point where 'good enough' no longer cuts it.

Why do I feel as if people think I'm an awful taskmaster for having an expectation that DS can meet (as he's proven) when it's necessary or he wants to? I'm not sure there's a point to this, but I just had to get it out, so to speak.

Thoughts?

What about asking the teacher to comment instead on writing that looks especially neat to give positive reinforcement?

I feel the same way about my gradeskipped DS. I think it's because I am worried that I will be seen as pushing him. I have the feeling that people are judging my decision to do the skip and that makes me feel insecure.

Really, though, I think most of that is just me and my own issues. Most people don't care and some don't even notice! So I try to remember my reasons for skipping him, and one of those reasons was that he needs to experience challenge. For him, part of that is going to be handwriting. This is how he is going to have to work through perfectionism and learn tolerance for frustration. These are valuable lessons in themselves.

I didn't think to ask her to do this, but we do this at home whenever we see it. We practice positive reinforcement as a general rule at home, although, there are times that negative reinforcement (ie. consequences, natural or logical) seems to be more effective. I wonder if he hasn't heard so many "great jobs" and the like that they've lost their luster, so to speak. We try to call attention to and praise his effort when we see him really trying, doing his best, taking his time, etc., even if the end result isn't great.

I'm not sure why I'm bothered by the thought of people thinking whatever they're going to think, I guess it's because they don't know DS or us (we just moved here) and I always feel like we're back at square one. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.

Oh, yeah, we do both the carrot and the stick around here, too! There's nothing wrong with that. And I think you are right to praise effort.

I stumbled across this book and it has made a huge difference in how I positively reinforce my son.

Praising Boys Well-Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer

It states that boys and girls respond to praise differently and I have found that if I point out specifics in his handwriting he does a much better job.("I really see you care about your work here." Thank you for taking the time to put in an effort. It really shows. etc) instead of just "good job". "It looks really nice."

*Opinion alert*
I think boys pick up on the fact that girls love, love, love to be more creative with handwriting so they (boys) don't want to. I really don't mean to generalize here, I am just suggesting an opinion since there are a lot of threads on here about boys and handwriting. I also believe they are behind in motor coordination until age 9 (at least that is what I have read).

Thanks, hkc--those are good tips. Often when I try to praise DS with "good job" his reaction is to disagree with me and say that it's not good. Being more specific might help.

My DS7 wants to be a marine biologist so whenever his handwriting is sloppy, I like to say, "Oh I see you have decided to become a doctor." This usually does the trick as he really wants everyone to know he will be a marine biologist. I tell him marine biologists need to document their findings so others can understand and learn (via textbooks, google, etc). If he wants to be a mb then he needs to have legible handwriting or learn to type (our next endevour-Mavis typing). HTH

I think there's been a mistake -- it appears as though you've ended up with my child.

We added a challenge to his spelling tests starting last year by expecting him to take his time & write neatly. If the teacher couldn't read a word without either squinting or hiring an interpreter, it would be marked incorrect. He vehemently objected (cue the violins), saying how hard it would be & it was no fair & he couldn't do it. And... And... And...

Lo and behold... he still never missed a word. Although, I was convinced he hired one of the other kids to write for him, because I've never seen such glorious penmanship come out of his pencil before.

We raised the bar -- and he was able to push himself to meet the challenge. He had to work at it, of course, but that's the whole idea.

I believe that an expectation is only unreasonable when the child has no chance of success, or, if he would be faced with an inordinate degree of struggle or frustration.