Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Emotional/Sensitive boy......HELP!!

my son will be 3yrs old in sept. and he is always whineing crying and constantly all day says "i need mommy i need mommy" over and over he is scared of everything... when he is upset he chew on his hands which now have bite/scratch marks all over them from his teeth when i take him nar adults he doesnt know he covers his eyes with his arm and hides he doesnt act like a normal shy child though he looks more like a kicked puppy when he does it if an adult he doesnt know says anything that sounds even remotly negitive he hides behind his arm again...on the other hand when put around kids even 10-13yr (exspecialy older kids actually) olds he is incredibly outgoing in fact at the playground he just takes off and is often seen playing with MUCH older kids the whole time..
he also seems to have attention ploblems not sure if he is just imature in someways or if there is something wrong like i said he does amazingly well with older kids he also speaks very well and has a large vocab which seems to be a strong area in general with my kids....

my husband says i coddle him but i dont think i do i dont treat him any different then his 2 sisters i do comfort him when he crys which is often but what am i supposed to do ignore him when hes crying??

anybody else have anything like this going on?
or any knowledge or info or advice that would help??

any insights into this?

Hi,

Is he separated at all from you during the day at the moment? I know that both my boys struggled when we had our first separation when they went off to Nursery at 3. At this time they both became quite anxious, our younger one even developed a stammer which we were able to sort out after a couple of months thanks to advice from the Head.

Is your son anxious about anything in particular? If he has a large vocab is he able to explain to you what is upsetting him? Hopefully someone else here might also have some ideas...

im a stay at home mom he doesnt go to school yet and he also stammers... i think well he does this he will say "Lets lets lets go lets go lets go outside" like he is having trouble getting the sentence from his brain to his mouth he is very young and actually not quite three his b-day is in sept.

he is anxious when there is a lot going on or yelling if he heres my husband and i argue he will run and hide under a blanket

He sounds a little bit like my DD5 was at that age, but I also notice some differences, so I don't know if this will help or not. She was/is very sensitive to new situations and new people. She would not talk to other adults and very little to other kids excepting her close friends. She is also extremely sensitive to loudness and chaos.

Anyway, we realized early on that academics wouldn't be a problem at school, but the social aspect would if we didn't do something to improve the situation. I enrolled her in lots of classes. She was my first, so this was easier than it would be for subsequent children. I started with short classes in which the parent would also participate, like parent-tot gymnastics and parent-tot story times. After we achieved some (small) degree of comfort with that, we moved up to short classes apart (while keeping the parent-tot classes for continuity). We had a 2 year old toddler 'preschool' type class at our city rec center, and it was 45 minutes long. She was almost 3 when we started it, and they let us stay in it until she was almost 3.5 since they could see she wasn't ready to move up. Let me tell you that this was painful, she cried for most of the first month. But it was 45 minutes, it wasn't the end of the world you know? It did feel like it. Anyway after she was reasonably comfortable there (barely participating, but not crying) we started 3 year old montessori preschool 2 half days a week. This was a big turning point for her. It took a long time, but she really did well there and in her 2nd year there just blossomed. The montessori school we choose was very low chaos even though there were a bunch of students in the class. It was so peaceful and orderly and she could limit her interactions if she felt she needed to. The mixed ages worked in our favor too, since an older girl took her under her wing. During this time we moved her up from parent-tot gymnastics to regular preschool gymnatics without parents. She kept the same (wonderful) teacher the whole time, and I think it was a major contributing factor to her improvement. We did art, storytimes, classes at the museum, gymnastics, sports, and swimming in addition to the preschool and toddler preschool. Maybe some others in there that I have forgotten.

It took a total of 3 years and a lot of work, but she is now ready for Kindy. She is still shy, but will talk to teachers and will talk to the other kids and will run off to play in slightly chaotic environments. She still avoids moderate to very chaotic situations, but honestly I'm not comfortable in them myself, so I don't blame her. She is still very, very sensitive, but many of the problem situations we encountered when she was younger, she has learned to deal with much better and can 'keep it together'.

My DD had a stammer like you describe at that age as well. It was as if she couldn't get her words out fast enough and her brain was 20 miles ahead. She has mostly grown out of it, but does still stammer when she is extremely excited or very nervous.

I did not ignore my DD when she would cry because I could see she was genuinely distressed. Obviously I was not there when she was in classes though.

Ironically it is now the academics I am more worried about than the social aspects (that she won't be challenged, etc).

I hope something in that huge novel I wrote helps...

I wonder if you might want to consider a speech and language evaluation? It's hard to say based on age and my general lack of credentials as a speech and language therapist , but in older kids the backing up and repeating words is referred to as "mazing". If you think that an evaluation might be the way to go, you should check with your local school district before laying any money out (I know that in our district a referral for an evaluation can be done during the early childhood years, and evaluation is free to families).

Does he seem self-conscious about his speech? At his age, adults are more likely to interact verbally, while other kids are interacting physically, with limited demands placed on speech formulation. Perhaps that accounts for part of the difference between his response to other adults, and his response to kids on the playground. It also occurs to me that showing a positive reaction to other kids may feel less risky--he might know you aren't going to leave him alone with other kids, but think that maybe you would leave him with another adult for awhile, so he is less open to adults?

Of course, that doesn't address the other anxiety concerns you've shared, but it might be a place to start. And he IS young, so you may see a change just based on the passage of time. One thought that pops into my head is (if you aren't already) joining something like Music For You, where parents and kids participate in class together. It's fun, doesn't require separation from parent (in fact my DS spent most of each class in my lap) and it would put him in semi-regular contact with other adults who are interacting positively with their own children.

Hi, what really seemed to help with my DS's stammering was the following advice: to get down to his level, place a hand on him gently and wait patiently (not to try to "speed things up by verbal assistance"). This did take a few weeks, but worked very well. In our case the situation wasn't helped by an older DS always speaking over him (difficult for the younger one to get a word in) so we had to deal with that too. I'm not sure if that is because the stammering had been a fairly recent thing anyway so was easier to sort out. I agree with trying out various groups (if you aren't already) as this may help. Sorry I don't have anything more..

My Bear(2.5yrs) works along the same lines as the other kids mentioned here. He has a very low frustration level and some sensory issues as well as having trouble separating and being amazingly timid. He does well at the playground, but any family events or outings where there is chaos or lots of people or a bunch of noise and he falls apart. He also has an incredible vocabulary, but poor pronunciation and tends to repeat himself a lot.

What I did to try and get him comfortable with groups and a certain amount of chaos was to enroll him in Music Together classes, similar to the Music For You classes mentioned previously. The ages range from 10 months to 5 years. Basically there are NO requirements for the kids other than to be there and not wear shoes on the carpet (but Bear got a pass on that one because he simply couldn't function without them... if they were off it meant he couldn't leave. Sigh...). Anyway, he spends the whole class glued to my lap, doesn't interact with the other kids, doesn't talk to anyone, and doesn't do too much of the music part except for the parts that involve instruments. We have to go sit outside of the group when they do the dance parts because he just can't deal with all the movement and the quick transition from sitting to dancing, but we normally ease into it by the end of the song. The important part is that he really loves the classes and is slowly (painfully slowly) starting to involve himself. He's been getting us instruments and helping to put them away. Recently he even joined in with a couple other kids to push the instrument bin back in place.

I think the simple fact that there are NO expectations placed on him to participate or perform is what is allowing him to relax enough to start joining in. That's probably the same reason that the playground is easier for him than other venues even though it is chaotic.

If you could find a place where your little guy could interact with a group where there are no expectations on him at all, not even the expectation to interact if he's not ready, might help in time.

Oops. Yep, Music Together is actually the program I meant too. We've never done Music For You.

I think that Wyldkat makes an excellent point about having no expectations for participation. My DD went to story time for at least 6 months before she would do the most minor of participation (think clapping with one song, sometimes just ONE clap). She would sit glued to my lap. People looked at me funny, but I ignored them and we went week after week. It looked like nothing was happening, but there was...she just needed to get comfortable with it. And then bit by painfully small bit she started participating. This also happened in gymnastics where she would do the running around type activities, but didn't do the circle time stretches for over a year(!). Even now she'll have an off day and not want to participate, but the teacher is fine with that and encourages but doesn't insist. Our playgroups were a similar story with her often glued to my lap while the other kids played.

From my experience, the more you insist they participate, the more ground you lose. Encourage, but don't push too hard. They will do it when they are ready and not before.