Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion behavior systems???

no5no5 (and everyone else!!)thanks SO much for offering such a more calming stance....I hope I didn't come off as being upset or anything- def. not judging at all..your post was exactly what I needed to read today!!...sometimes with writing, I can't quite get across what i want to say and hope I didn't sound upset because I was the opposite - just frustrated with trying to find the right combination :-) I love, love, love hearing from other parents in this situation and everyone just gives me new perspective to an issue so thanks to everyone for the awesome posts...because with having a HG kid and then add in the OE issues, I honestly can't go to my "normal" buddies for suggestions because they just don't always understand DS.
Our problem here at home is that we are SO low key and do lots and lots of talking/brain storming with DS when issues or problems arise and have had friends tell me that we do too much sharing and talking and we need to do more disciplining....I grew up in a you do it my way or its the highway mentality and I was scared to say boo and so I walked the straight line and sat in the box that everyone wanted me to fit in....I don't want to do that to my little guy...which I guess is why I am SO frustrated in trying to find the right balance! I think all of us moms should publish a book with all of our suggestions and ideas!!!!
The anger management issue has come a long ways - He didnt have a mad bone in his body until he was 5...last year he was just angry about everything and I think it all stemmed from his really, really bad year at Montessori preschool. He was so frustrated, bored, lonely..you name it and he slowly turned from being a quiet, pretty happy go lucky little guy into a mad little guy. With his sensory issues, it was a double edged sword because when you have a sensory seeking kid, hitting something or somebody as an anger release actually causes a good feeling for a sensory child...so after the first few small hits, he realized hey, I get to release my anger and it feels good to my body to hit...so it got more frequent and worse. When we pulled him from the setting and homeschooled him, it just about disappeared with just a few bouts here and there...then in the past month, it has arisen again..not as bad, but enough to make us stand up and take notice. I don't know if it is stemming from being worried about going to public school this year (which was his request)..I have no idea...but hitting others is just not allowed no matter what the case...and then we are dealing with just the typical kid being a kid behaviors :-) So thanks SO much to everyone for trying to help a frustrated mom :-)

LOL on leaving them in their room! I'm sure that can work for the child's bedroom, but what about public areas? Leaving toys, especially small ones, in public areas of our house is not acceptable. DD often plays in public areas, which I love because I can stop in and play with her a bit as time allows, but she isn't always great about clean up and sometimes throws fits about it. Small toys are a big choking hazard for my babies, and I would not want to risk tripping on something while carrying my babies around. Its a safety issue.

I have found the immediate reward system I've been using the last few days has really increased her willingness to happily clean up, even without me asking. Once I get the behavior 'set', I will phase out the physical rewards. I have done this in the past with her on other issues (potty training, getting out of bed at bedtime) and it has worked, I think we just got sidetracked somewhere along the line...that happens.

I'm not sure what to suggest about the hitting, etc. We've always used time outs for that. Time outs are hard at bed time, especially if it is a reward to them to stay up. When DD seriously misbehaves at bedtime (which is not uncommon), we interrupt the bedtime routine and tell her she has to put herself to bed. We just give a quick kiss and leave her room. She hates that, and it usually precipitates another whole fit, but it does help for a while...

Well, I now see that there were a number of posts while I was off dealing with a pots & pans cabinet/ baby crisis (they were shutting each other in the doors). So...umm... Yeah, what they said! LOL.

I'm in the (long) process of coming to terms with there being no text-book behaviour system that will work for us, much as I would love there to be. Various things work to various degrees at different times. I've reflected on all the adults/children I know, and all seem to have been raised on different systems - discussion and understanding, spanking, locked in room, rewards, loss of priveledges etc - but it does seem that most manage to turn out as nice well-rounded ordinary people regardless. So I'm leaning towards the idea that this is all, in a way, rather similar to baby issues like sleep deprivation and vomit-covered clothes - I do what I can to limit it, but also regularly chant to myself "it will pass with time, it will pass with time".

Reward systems have never worked for us. DS6 will get excited about them for perhaps a day or two before the novelty wears off. DS5 immediately spots them for what they are - an attempt to control his behaviour - and generally is even less cooperative than before as a matter of principal. Threats of teddy removal are the only thing that works on him. DS6 is most responsive to possible loss of play dates, but discussions about ethical behaviour and how people feel can work too.

Re Lego in particular, one of the many wonderful things about it is that the small pieces are so easy to vacuum. The boys are, of course, free to search through the vacuum cleaner contents on the compost heap if they want to get them back.

I have a friend who is sometime quite shocked by the behaviour of my children. I asked her about her own strategy and this is it: "you'd better stop that - you don't want to get into trouble do you?". And they don't so they stop. Can you imagine???!!!

LOL...DH has a marble jail (aka the fish tank). Marbles found underfoot are sent to marble jail where they become part of the decor for the fish abode

When my kids start to say no about picking up, I say let's do it together. That usually works. Sometimes I think they get overwhelm with the pick up or some feeling about something else come thru. It helps to not get into a battle. Give them a way to cooperate. Tell them it would feel good to do this together.

My son uses an activity table for legos or anythin with lots of small pieces. We try to not mix anything else onto the table when legos are out so it doesn't get too overwhelming. We us those big plastic box lids as trays for organizng Pokemon Cards, then stack them up under the activity table.

I Try to help my child learn to pick up one thing before he goes to the next. Some times I am fustrated with my kids about their toys and bedroom. I have to remember to ask myself: Am I a good example? Have I helped them learn this habit? They really want to please us but we need to help it along. A routine pickup time just before bed would help but I haven't fit that in yet.