Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Just Need some Support

Add to that good children's books, CDs, events that shouldn't be missed, fun places to take the kids, ongoing sales, which sports programs/music teachers to choose, and parents' own interests... I actually never felt that I could run out of topics with my friends. Some parents would bring the conversation back to what their kids can do, but if this is not always the main theme it's quite harmless.

I'm not to sure about this whole dialogue re: gassing and bragging. Though I do struggle with how to frame anything I say about my son in certain company.
I don't understand the need to label a baby gifted and then blog about it to boot. Can we all look back at infancy and say there were signs. Sure - maybe. I bet there are plenty of parents with ND bright kids that do the same.
Many child development specialists say that anything can happen up to the age of 2. And although I clearly saw signs of giftedness in ds7 before 2, I would never mention my suscipions let alone have a brag blog. Did I write my thoughts in a private journal - yes. I also wrote about everything my son did - barfing on the dog, peeing on MIL (that was a great moment - LOL!). I struggled for 10 years with infertility and thought I would never have children. My son is my greatest joy.
I would take into consideration how actions and expectations can shape a child. Babies should be enjoyed just for being babies regardless of milestones. Stop and smell the baby powder. That's my bit of advice for what it's worth.

I was not really caught up on milestones with our daughter either except for noting she was ahead. I will say, however, that finding out that she was "gifted" was somewhat of a relief for us. Many of the cognitive milestones she was ahead on yes, but our concern for months was her complete lack of interest in other children her own age. She preferred the company of adults from a very young age and when we started her in preschool she had no interest in playing with the other kids. Zero. I was so upset because I envisioned this friendless life for her. I did completely the wrong thing which was to set up play dates with younger children thinking that kids her own age were somehow socially intimidating to her. Then upon the advice of her preschool teacher we had her evaluated by a psychologist. She suggested that perhaps DD was having a hard time communicating with her peers because of her advanced vocabulary and suggested we try letting her socialize some with kids a few years older. It worked and now that her age peers have more developed vocabularies she is playing with them more as well. Not sure exactly what my point is other than I guess knowing she was gifted from a younger age might have helped us understand more what was going on with her and avoided some worry. However, I am sure I would have found something else to worry about

Wow. This topic has certainly generated a lot of passion I'm a big fan of honest conversation, and this is a difficult issue for many of us, so I think it's probably good that we're having it. At the same time, I hope that it does not leave any of us reticent to share our feelings about our kids. For me anyway, this board has provided something that has been sorely lacking in my world--a place to share without reservation what I'm experiencing as the parent of kids who are outside the "norm".

I was thinking about this whole debate about milestones, and it makes me kind of sad that talking about milestones is perceived as bragging, even here. To me, every new thing that my children learned to do gave me such a sense of wonder. I have spent all of my working life surrounded by kids, and as excited as I was about the idea of having my own, I was completely unprepared for the experience of watching my own children develop day by day. I think about those nature films with the time lapse photography of a flower blooming. Being a parent feels a lot like that. Milestones, if you want to call them that are cause for celebration for us, because they were cause for celebration for our children--each new thing they learned to do delighted them, and I was delighted by their delight and amazed by the experience of watching their development. As adults with busy lives, I think we often fail to slow down and appreciate how amazing our natural world is. It is easy to take our bodies, brains and hearts for granted, but when we watch our children develop, we notice those things. Why would we not want to speak that wonder and enjoyment out loud?

Because we seem to have a competitive cultural mindset; because conformity is so valued; because, because, and because...IRL talking honestly about our children and the joys and challenges we experience IS often uncomfortable. I enjoy listening to other parents talk about their kids. Stories about kids are often amazing or funny or sweet in a way that stories about adults rarely are. But when I listen to parents talk, I always feel I have to exercise some caution in my response. If what my children are doing, or what my children are challenged by is too discrepant from what I've just heard, then I feel silenced. Here, on this board, my children are never the highest acheivers. I don't have to worry that my honest sharing of joys or worries will be greeted with suspicion or the "well MY child...." response that comes from an assumption that my comments are meant to be comparative.

In this place I will continue to share my joys, wonders and worries; and to be an ear for the joys, wonders and worries of others. I won't see it as bragging when someone shares a turning point, accomplishment or wonder they witness as a parent; and I will hope that others won't percieve my share outs as bragging either. I believe that we all need to celebrate positives in order to be happy, and to be able to reach out for support and understanding in order to be healthy. Thank goodness for this place where we can feel free to do that without being plagued by that feeling of otherness!

Yes, Taminy, yes. Thank you so much--you said this so beautifully.

I've only been here for ten months or so, but there are many people here I have come to cherish, and I would miss very much not hearing stories about your children. We are all on a journey of love, and I have appreciated your company along the way.

peace
minnie

Taminy you said exactly what I was trying to say with my original post. It is nice to find a place, cyber or otherwise, where you can discuss your child honestly, openly and without fear. Call it talking, bragging, discussing, whatever you will--it is a good thing.

Well said Taminy, well said.

I'm wondering in hindsight do you see ways to answer that question honestly without bragging or being ashamed?

To me it is lot like if someone asked "so what's your husband been up to lately?" and you replied "he's making a quarter of a million dollars now and is fluent in German." Yes, that's honest but "he's still enjoying his job and he's playing golf in any free moment he can get" is also honest and far less likely to make people think you are obnoxious.

It is revealing to me when the options are being presented as 1. talk about milestones and be honest about your kids or 2. don't talk about milestones and be a liar who is ashamed of her kids. There really is another alternative.

I don't often mention that DH is a doctor because I have gotten some pretty yucky comments in the past. But then someone will ask how he's doing and I'll say that he's really overworked (some days that is the only honest answer besides "still breathing" and "hanging on by a thread"), and they ask what he does...and I'm stuck.

I think most of the people in this thread are trying to find that balance between not saying anything and saying too much. Sometimes that line is hard to find, especially when general answers provoke follow up questions.

Actually I'd say the way in which our experience seems really different from what a lot of people posted is that we've received basically no negative feedback for having a very precocious radically accelerated kid. That may be all luck but I suspect some of that is because we have a very different view of talking about comparing child development and of the importance of milestones.

I'd say the conversations I've heard at playgroups are probably quite typical as we were in a few different types of groups over the years and hit a pretty good cross section of middle and upper middle class educated moms. Given the number of posters who are equating not talking about milestones as lying or not talking about children it suggests to me that these are pretty widespread ways of thinking.


I think you may be missing my point. I'm not saying parents of gifted kids gas on more than others. Rather maybe the entire custom of social conversation surrounding kids milestones could use some changing because clearly it makes a lot of people feel odd or bad. Instead of trying to just recreate other circles for bragging maybe we should instead try to think my broadly and think about how we can be more comfortable having kids in our lives as something other than models of accomplishment.

How can we enjoy our kids or think about our lives as parents in ways that are distinct from accomplishments? Maybe thinking about this will ultimately lead to people finding more comfortable ways IRL to have supportive relationships with parents of kids with all different ability levels.


I generally find if I start from a place of genuine interest about others I learn a lot. Instead of starting from trying to figure out if people are prepared to talk at the right level about your pet interests, I would start with genuine curiosity and see where that leads. When you find out what makes other people tick they often want to know what is important to you too.


I see love as distinct from pride and would caution against seeing them as interchangeable ideas as many do. The kinds of early milestones mentioned in this thread - stringing two words together, memorizing the alphabet, standing, etc. are things that in typically developing kids tend to come pretty naturally without a lot of struggle or hardship. Under those circumstances I find pride a lot like pride in the fact that the child's toes are growing. Sure feel glad that you manage to go to the grocery store and feed them, but to the extent to which there is an accomplishment there, it doesn't belong to you. There is only a very little line between parental pride and pressure and perfectionism. Some kids really only need the tiniest hint that it is really important to their parents in order to shut down. I don't see how it is possible to be telling the other moms at playgroup how proud you are of junior's precocious reading without junior picking up that hey this is really, really important to my mom.


I dispute that either of these is a big accomplishment or is revealing of great personal fortitude - rather they may stand in for as close as a bright kid gets to getting the opportunity for challenge that all kids deserve and many more typically developing kids get every day. That said, I suspect you'll find people are far more willing to accept algebra accomplishments are meaningful if earlier who haven't established yourself as the person who talked about memorizing the alphabet.

[quote=Kriston]Look at the brag thread. See the things that people think are brag-worthy that they can't share IRL. It's almost never "he hit this milestone early." Nearly all are things there are things that are clever or funny or quirky or show real strength of character. Yet these are things we know we cannot share with most other parents.[/quote

And, I'm looking for ways for people to learn to talk about their kids IRL and feel comfortable about it. How can we change the culture of playgroup bragging to instead lead to meaningful comfortable discussions?