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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,898
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,898 |
Buying this idea really requires a fundamental reorganisation of how to relate to children! I think it's a complicated area, and the research is certainly confusing at times and more needs to be done. I wonder how you see this happening in an ideal world. Personally, I "praise" my DD3 in the same way I "praise" adults. That is, I don't really "praise" at all, but I do express my feelings honestly and sometimes in a complimentary way. So for me I think changing how I talk to DD would necessitate changing how I talk to anyone. It's a pretty daunting prospect. Let me say that it's hard to articulate how I feel about this, first! Next, you may be different of course, bu I noticed with my DS that although I wasn't being effusive or consciously praising him, I was saying things that were my evaluation of things he'd done all the time, in a way I'd never to do an adult colleague (other, possibly, than one who was directly reporting to me - that's another issue). "Mmm, huh", "That's interesting", "Well done", "No, stop!", "That was helpful", "I like that", etc. etc. It's partly about power, and partly inevitable - if I say "that's interesting" to an adult colleague, it's a statement about me and my interests; DS's focus is on me to such an extent that if I say "that's interesting" to him, it's felt as my positive evaluation of what he just said. What I'm trying to do now is to let his own evaluations be more important. I try to participate in his activities by showing interest, e.g. asking questions, contributing thoughts, rather than by evaluating them. When I make positive comments, I try to make sure that they're genuinely sharing with him my reactions to things, and that I give him enough information to make what I'm saying contentful ("That reminds me of... how interesting" rather than just "how interesting"). However, I'm not there yet, and I'm not even sure I know exactly where I want to be...
Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 529
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 529 |
Let me say that it's hard to articulate how I feel about this, first! Next, you may be different of course, bu I noticed with my DS that although I wasn't being effusive or consciously praising him, I was saying things that were my evaluation of things he'd done all the time, in a way I'd never to do an adult colleague (other, possibly, than one who was directly reporting to me - that's another issue). "Mmm, huh", "That's interesting", "Well done", "No, stop!", "That was helpful", "I like that", etc. etc. It's partly about power, and partly inevitable - if I say "that's interesting" to an adult colleague, it's a statement about me and my interests; DS's focus is on me to such an extent that if I say "that's interesting" to him, it's felt as my positive evaluation of what he just said.
What I'm trying to do now is to let his own evaluations be more important. I try to participate in his activities by showing interest, e.g. asking questions, contributing thoughts, rather than by evaluating them. When I make positive comments, I try to make sure that they're genuinely sharing with him my reactions to things, and that I give him enough information to make what I'm saying contentful ("That reminds me of... how interesting" rather than just "how interesting").
However, I'm not there yet, and I'm not even sure I know exactly where I want to be... That's really interesting.  I think part of the problem for me is that I can't imagine that it would be good for DD to hear me saying complimentary things to others but never to her. I hadn't considered how differently it may seem to her, even though it seems the same to me, and that is worth thinking about. I do try to stick with meaningful statements in talking to anyone. But I say things like your examples to adults all the time. ("Oh, this pasta salad is excellent. Good job." or, when I was working for a judge, "I think this opinion is really well written." or, when in an art gallery, simply, "Hmm. I think I like it.")
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