Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Not wanting to make choices

ok, I am totally beside myself on this and wondered if maybe this was a gifted thing or a perfectionistic thing or just a pain in the tukus thing or all 3 or something completely different! My DS6 for the past several months has had this horrible habit...when it comes time to make a decision about something HE is doing, he asks me what I would like to do. I give him an answer/opinion and then he goes to doing something completely different...like he is afraid of making the wrong choice. Which I have NO idea where that comes from since we are about as laid back as it gets and we are doing unschooling at home.

For example....he LOVES train simulator and will spend forever constructing his own track layouts - this is our scenario the other day..."mom, which station do you think I should use?" and I ask him which one he likes and after a few seconds of talking I give him a suggestion...he replies with, "nah, I think I want this one." 5 minutes later, "which engine do you think would be the coolest to use on this track layout?" and again, I ask him which one he likes and he will get upset that I am not outright giving him an answer ..his reply, "well, I think I like this one better." Then comes time to run the route- "which switchpoint do you think I should send the train through?" I answer - I don't know and he gets upset and says, "just pick one!" and so I offer a suggestion and of course he uses the other switchpoint.

Today he did it again while he was playing on his Nintendo DS - he asked which level he should do on a certain game and when i responded that I had no idea, he got upset. We finally sat down and I told him that he can make his own choices, decisions without having to ask me all the time. He didn't have an answer when I asked him if there was a reason why he always asked me about his choices. I know he is a perfectionist and when he makes a mistake he will literally either rip up, erase, delete, whatever it was he was working on and start from the very beginning all over again. If he comes in second or doesn't complete something correctly he will visibly be upset. We have been searching high and low for a counselor who has experience working with 2e children to maybe help him with his perfectionistic issues. Any clue about this choice thing or how to help him?

I feel your pain. We are going through the same thing with our DD6!
It doesn't matter what the decision is, as soon as I give an opinion or suggestion the exact opposite is done. We've actually gone to giving her the opposite of what we want to happen just so that what we want actually happens. (For example clothes to wear, food to eat etc.)
On really bad days I actually refuse to answer until she tells me what she wants, then I say I want the same thing. Which she then informs me is not allowed and unfair and goes off in a huff.
It was the worse when we were on vacation. I think it had to do with her having too much time to think about all of the possible options, and outcomes of those options that she just wanted to see if someone else would choose the same thing she was choosing.
I'm sorry I have no advise, but I think it is more an age thing than anything else.

This too shall pass has become my mantra

We've encountered this with DS9 over the past year or so. I noticed it more than anything else with things like clothes or toys. If we were shopping for him and I asked him to pick out a shirt or two, he had the hardest time and just couldn't/wouldn't make a decision. He would go back and forth and overthink things to the point that it would end horribly. Inevitably, DH and I would be so frustrated because it seemed such a simple thing to do, that our frustration and aggravation oozed and only exacerbated DSs frustration. DH has stated that he can no longer take DS shopping because he (DH) might develop an ulcer right there on the spot I'm a little better able to get DS thru these things.....

Anyway, my thought on this is that it's perfectionistic and DS is afraid to make the wrong choice and then not be happy with it later (unknowingly driven by me because I've told him that he has to wear what he picks out or play with what he gets, etc.). What I started doing is telling him that there is no "wrong" choice for things like this. If asked I offer my opinion or try to bring up issues that I know might give him pause at any time (ie. remember you didn't care for the collar on a previous shirt or didn't you have a car like this that broke once, etc.) I try to reinforce to him that he can make the decision and that if he just can't decide, either take some time to think about it and we'll come back or (in the case of clothes) turn it over to me and I'll decide. He's getting better at handling the frustration, or recognizing that it might cause him frustration and avoiding for the moment. <---- not sure how helpful that is in the long run

I mentioned it to the SW at school who thinks it is due to his 'need' to always be right, do everything well, etc. She did say that telling him, when appropriate, that there are no wrong answers and trying to help him thru the decision making process is helpful. It's kind of like when there are correct/incorrect answers, he has no problem deciding which, but when it's ambiguous he can't process it. Truthfully, I'm like this to a certain point also, so I get it.

Good luck. I know how frustrating it can be.

That is really interesting. My son was EXACTLY like this a 5-6. It drove me batty. But happily at 8, he doesn't do this at all anymore. So maybe it's a GT developmental thing (or maybe even just developmental). My 8 year old does plenty of other annoying things though!

my friend recently took her DS6 to a psych. She was having HUGE issues with him. The psych said whereas today, many parents are all about giving kids more choices, empowering etc...kids really need less choice. He recommended giving her son no choices as this was a HUGE issue for him at the time. An example was: here is your blue shirt and black pants to where today. Son: I'd rather wear the red shirt. Mom: Ok, put the blue shirt away and get the red one. NOT: Here is a choice of a blue shirt and a red shirt, which do you want to wear? This results in ying-yanging as he debates the pros and cons of each. Mom gets irritated b/c they are late, Kid gets upset and starts to cry....etc. If he initiates the choice, let him but otherwise don't give him a choice. Things have been MUCH better and he's much more secure in his choices that he does make.

We spent a few years just telling DS what to do a lot of the time. I don't think it's a GT thing as much as an anxiety thing, though. He just found the responsibility for making decisions completely overwhelming. I fielded a lot of criticism from other parents for my being so "bossy" but in the end he really did calm way down about it and doesn't have a problem with decisions at all now (at 9). Everyone said he'd never learn to make choices, and he'd feel like he had to agree with me all the time, but it hasn't panned out like that... (LOL)

One of the steps that eased us between my directing everything and his taking charge of some things was to have him make decisions well ahead of time. For instance on the clothes thing, I would have him make outfits out of all his clean laundry and stack them in cubbies in his closet. It involved choosing shirts and pants and whatnot, but like 5-7 at a time. Then each morning he could grab an outfit and get dressed without trying to make the decision when he's sleepy and/or in a hurry. Food decisions were eased by my asking his opinion about them when I was going to the grocery store, rather than at meal time. So for instance he'd help decide what kinds of breakfast foods we'd buy, but then each morning I'd just make one meal from what we had -- not giving him the run of all the choices we had available but knowing that he had helped pick them all, so none of them was completely revolting or anything.

I can't remember when things changed... it was pretty seamless actually.

We've had some of this lately too. We'll ask DS "do you want to do A or B today?" and he'll say "A" and we say "Okay, that's great." Then he'll panic and say "no B" and then we say "are you sure?" Then he'll say "A!" again. ugh!

I sat him down this weekend and talked to him about it. I told him that if I give him a choice, it is really his to make. He was very frank and said "I want to pick what will make us all happy" then he started crying and really lost it. I spent a long time talking to him that when I give him a choice- both choices are fine with me. If you want to go do this or that, or if you want to wear red or blue, it's okay. We're working on toning down the drama a bit. Things have been better this week since we talked about it. Waffles or pancakes are not life threatening decisions...

Ah, memories. Yes, common perfectionist phase and yes someday it will pass.

I agree with the suggestion that it can be a flag that fewer choices may be better. It is easy to get into that habit with preschoolers and continue it beyond when it makes sense. I'd scale back on that a bit and see if it bothers him.

As far as the train station situation, I would feel fine with saying "you know a lot more about trains than I do and frankly I don't have strong opinions about what choices you make." It is also fine to ask "what's the worst thing that will happen if you choose a train station and regret that choice later? What would you do?"

Thanks guys - SO glad to know that I am not the only one going gray prematuraly from the ARRGGGGHHH moments with DS :-) CAMom - your comment/scenario was EXACTLY (almost eerily in fact) to what happened to us last weekend. We asked if he wanted to do A or B today and he did exactly what you said - chose one, then switched , then switched again and then ended with the exact same phrase - I want to do what will make us all happy...he was so honestly upset by the whole thing. He has no issues picking out his clothes for the day (but will be upset if his favorite tornado chaser shirt isn't clean) but when it comes down to HIM picking something that HE is involved with - be it a game or activity, he just looks so panic striken to make a choice - like it will be wrong - LOVE the suggestions and I will make it a point to try to help limit some choices to maybe take away his anxiety with everyday items and use some different phrasing when he is constantly asking me what he should do next on an activity. Thanks a ton!

Hi Belle,
These above are definitly perfectionistic behaviors. The 'not wanting to make a decision' I'm not so sure about...my first questions is - under what circumstances DON'T you see this behavior?

To me this sort of behavior reminds me of 'crying over a broken cookie' as in this article:
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000024.htm

As for the perfectionistic behaviors, the first question that comes to mind is - how does his daily school life compare to his educational readiness level. Some kids are more uptight in general, but if there is a mismatch here, I would be interested to see if relieving the mismatch, even if only for an hour or two, decreases these signs. I've come to value these warning flags, because for the 'well behaved' child, sometimes these are the only signals a parent gets of a readiness level mismatch. Our kids can zoom ahead in such amazing spurts, that I have even heard of this occuring in a homeschooling situation.

Whatever it turns out to be, best wishes, and get lots of support for yourself. Our kids are loves, but not always so easy to live with.

Love and More Love,
Grinity