Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Hothousing -- random thoughts

I had a friend like that; I posted about her when I first joined this board. She insisted that I must being doing something to *make* Boo the way she is. Mind you both our DD's were only a little over a year at the time. She kept trying to get me teach her DD and when I said "No" - I did tell her honestly what we did: played lots of games, visited museums, spent lots of times outdoors, visited the library, etc.; she didn't believe me and accused me of "holding back to give my DD an unfair advantage". Still I remained friends with her (I'm a glutton for punishment!). It wasn't until she started "training" her DD that I ended the friendship.

The "training" that my exfriend did is what *I* consider to be the definition of "hothousing". I feel that there is a clear distinction between providing an enriched environment for a child and hothousing them. The former means that a parent takes a child's interests and abilities into account and provides them with an environment where they can learn, explore and grow at a pace the suits the child and where the child feels "safe and wanted and loved". Hothousing however is when the parents disregard the child's abilities, etc. and force the child to learn material/skills s/he is not ready to or capable of learning. The child does not have the mental/physical/emotional ability to make the connections to internalize the materials being *drilled* on for periods of time well beyond the child's attention span. I am speaking of strapped into the high-chair lessons lasting 30+ minutes at age 1 going over flashcards, watching portions of a video over and over, etc. (Don't get me wrong, we have flashcards, workbooks, videos, etc. in my house and use them all, but I don't sit and drill them. Not at this age anyway. If there comes a time where flashcards, etc. are appropriate and my kids want me to help them with something - memorizing dates for a history exam, for example - I will.) This parent also became angry with her child if the child did not perform (think trained monkey) in front of others. The intent here was to *create* an advanced or gifted child. The parent actively overlooked the child's abilities. Oh and last I heard the drilling has not stopped it has only lengthened in duration now that the DD is nearly 5. On top of preK five half-days a week and a reading a math tutor the mom has hired to ensure her DD *gets* the advantage that my DD has.

I'm sure this happens with older kids, too. Recently I have come across two different parents who have both taught their children to read before the age of five. Hey if the kid is interested and it's fun for both parent and child, by all means - Go for it! That wasn't the case for these two children. Both parents admitted to making their children sit through long (for their age/attention spans) lessons on a daily basis, because the *parents* wanted the child to read early. One parent didn't want to be bothered to have to read to her child and the other because she wanted to get her son into school early. The lessons started around the time the kids were 2 years old and according to how the parents described to me things like playtime, lunch or dinner, were withheld. One parent told me she took her DD's "lovey" away until the child performed the way the mom wanted her to. The other spanked her child "to get him to focus" when he started to get antsy. Interestingly, I met the two parents through a homeschool support group. The former's child was pulled from school for behavioral issues and the latter wanted ideas for afterschooling. The children are aged 8 and 6.5 respectively.

Don't get me started on the mom from my local HS group who kept wanting me to come over and teach her three year old how to write because his penmaship was sloppy. She complained that strapping pencils and crayons to his hands to help his grip hadn't helped.

In any case, I feel the term "hothousing" is an apt one when it is used to describe a child being forced to learn materials that that s/he is not ready for and has no interest in, for the parents'benefit.

ETA: I also stand by my conviction that parents who hothouse their children give parents of gifted children a bad rap. I believe that it is the hothousing parents that perpetuate the myth that parents of gifted children did and actively do something to their children to *make* them gifted - "stealing childhoods" - rather than accepting that GTness is an inherent trait to the child and can no more *be made* than eye color or a person's ultimate height.

OH the stories just make me ill.

This sounds abusive. This poor child is likely to grow up to have an eating disorder, along with a few other wires crossed re: trust and getting his basic needs met. What a sad story of (a mother's) pride.

The civil libertarian in me wants to say that if someone wants to hothouse their child in any way - academically or otherwise - that's their business, as long as no one accuses me of doing it (when I'm not). However, this example is so awful it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

(P.S. I belong to a mom's group and there is no competition like this. Everyone is supportive of each other.)

The stories of abusive forced educational training make me shudder, some of that motivation was behind the reason GS9(GS stands for grandson) is with us.

I know this is just semantics, but I'd like to point out that a hothouse is a place where tender seedlings & plants are protected and nourished to grow to their full potential. The seedlings that eventually will be moved outdoors have to be carefully acclimated to the harsh outdoors. As an analogy for childrearing, I think hothousing is good.

Mizzoumommy- I think you might live on my street in my neighborhood with the stories you tell. It's a very competitive very ugly place! And we have a horrible school district... a very bizarre combination that I still haven't yet figured out.

OHG- You're totally right. Hothousing in theory, should be a nurturing and loving idea! My kid is hothoused in your sense- I protect him from the harsh reality of the real world as much as possible. I feed him and love him and give him what he needs to be strong.

Maybe we need to co-opt "hothousing" for ourselves!

I think "hothousing" is meant to indicate that children are being forced to mature more quickly than they would otherwise, due to an unnatural environment. As opposed to plants grown out-of-doors, which will not bloom until they are ready. For most of our kids, "hothousing" doesn't apply because our kids ARE out of doors and blooming in February regardless. I do agree that the term is not perfect.

Yes, exactly!