Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Behavior Issues/Socialization

I desperately need some advice. I have a DS12(just turned) who is in 6th grade. We moved to our current location when he was getting ready to turn 8 and in 2nd grade. His transition into new school was terrible and he never made any friends. He never complained though and said things were fine. In 3rd grade he was tested for gifted and moved to a gifted class in 4th grade. I did not want to move him in the middle of 3rd as he was finally making friends. 4th grade was a disaster, no friends, all of the kids in the gifted class had been moving along together since 2nd grade and were very clicky. He actually ended up getting beat up by an older child at school. 5th grade was even worse, still no friends, but he never let on how much he was really bullied and how miserable he was. Towards the end of 5th grade, I finally realized what a bad situation he was in and had been in this entire time. We got him into counseling and decided he would start middle school at a new school this year.

Middle school was going good socially, he finally had friends, which was very evident at school functions I attended and talking to kids etc. He still wasn't Mr. Popularity, but the situation was 1000% better. This is a science magnet school which is right up his alley accademically. However, magnet schools are in rough, minority neighborhoods where they want to change the diversity of the school population. Needless to say there are a lot of fights there. The fights really traumatized my son and he decided to develop a plan to avoid becoming bullied again or the target of a fight. Get ready for this, his plan was to come across as a racist to appear tough and mean. (This is a school where his race is only 15% of the population) I have no idea where this idea originated, but obviously I was sick to my stomach when I heard it. For one our family doesn't believe in anything of the sorts. I really felt like his safety could be in danger from this word getting out. Not to mention the few friends he made (of minority races) probably aren't that interested in being his friend.

Of course, I am really wondering why he didn't confide any of this to the counselor or me about his idea or what was happening with it. When the issue came to light, he reported that he just wanted to present a tough image and didn't really think about the consequences and then got too embarrassed to tell the counselor or me as he knew we would be disappointed.

His social skills are really lacking and his judgement just terrible. Today I got a note from the teacher about him teasing another kid. I don't know what is going on or where to turn. I just feel he is making extremely poor decisions that are having a lasting impact on him. I know he was bullied for a very long time and his self esteem probably very damaged. He has never had any real close friends. He does have 2 boys in the neighborhood he plays with that are much older than he is, but very well behaved and they seem to share interests in robots, video games, science, etc. I am having a hard time believing anything he is telling me and don't think he is always 100% honest with the therapist either. Starting him in this new school was a new start and he says he likes it, but if this don't work out, I'm at my witts end about what to do with him. Is some of this giftedness, is there a social disability, is it personality, puberty, teenageness or what?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I have an eleven year old daughter in sixth grade. Some of it is the problem with socialization and some of it is the age.

If it is any consolation, I teach this age and even the average students act very strangely at this age. They are in a social stress test of sorts. My daughter is just completely confused about other students' behavior most of the time, while exhibiting some strange behavior of her own as well.

You are very fortunate to have the magnet school. We just left a city where my daughter was to attend one. The racist issue does need to be cleared up. Even though there are these issues, he is most likely in the right place for middle school. They offer classes that nobody else gets to take - ever.

I hope this issue is resolved. Middle school is tough for everyone, but especially for gifties.

Thanks so much for posting Ellipses. It's good to not only hear from a parent, but one who is around many other children. I did suggest that immediately he he stop doing anything to that would let people think he was racist and if they say anything, to shut them down immediately with "No, I'm not, and I'm sorry if I did anything to let you think I am." He also did tell a few of his closest peers that he is not a racist and ask them to help him get the word out. I do hope he is able to overcome his poor choice and have a successful time at middle school there.

Yesterday when the teacher said a student accused my son of teasing, my son really believed he was "playing" with the other student. Once again, he was very poor at knowing how to act in a social situation, reading body signals, knowing what is acceptable.

Dorothy,
I am wondering if you have considered having your son looked at for mild Autistic characteristics. My DS7 is very like your child, in that his transition to his new school has been hard and he's had trouble making friends. He has been diagnosed with mild Autistic-like tendencies, enough to get him an IEP. The special needs teacher is helping him with some basic socialization activities, his organization, and his handwriting (which he has issues with). I worry because he seems very naive for his age, but I am relieved that he is getting help at his age.

So, I guess my recommendation would be to get him evaluated. Sometimes the special needs help really supports the student. Not sure how you feel about these things. I know I was very anti-labels, until I realized this was the way to get my son the extra help he needs. He still goes to Gifted and still gets enrichment.

Maybe because he's on a different level intellectually, his sense of humor is also at another level. DS5 (and myself) doesn't realize how his sarcastic nature/sense of humor affects those around him, especially when they can't "see" the humor in his comments, etc.

As far as him allowing everyone to think he's racist, I think that's just what you said, a poor choice on his part and his attempt to find his spot without getting bullied or ridiculed or being the next "target" for the fights and taunting.

Keep encouraging him to be open and to be true to himself (even if he doesn't know what that is quite yet). I taught 5-8th grade boys PE several years ago, and it's amazing to see the different phases that boys especially go through at this age!

Good luck!

One day while the 8th graders were leaving class, one boy picked up another, then another knocked him into the wall, which knocked off the fire extinguisher setting it off. And these were some of the more popular boys. They just act this way. They cannot keep from knocking each other around. The girls ask me constantly when the boys are going to grow up.

Wait, boys grow up?






(no offense, boys. ;))

Thanks JJs Mom, It really helps to hear from teachers that have exposure to so many children. Sometimes it really difficult for me to figure out how odd my child behavior is compared to the rest of the kids and when you throw the gifted thing in the mix it gets really complicated. I don't have any friends with gifted kids and they seem to just equate giftedness with being smart. No matter how hard I try to explain some of his issues/behaviors to being gifted, other parents really don't get it. I think you need to have a gifted child or have been a gifted child yourself to even begin to understand. So posting hear and hearing from other gifted parents really helps to keep things in perspective.

I really like your advice to encourage him to be open and true to himself. This is so important and I really need to focus on that more. I do believe deep in my heart that this is just a difficult phase that we are working through, but yet it is hard not to get overly concerned. We will see how the next few days/weeks progress.

How do you feel about the counselor? Is that person through school? Does your DS respect this person or the therapist you mentioned?

I ask because if you have a good counselor at school that your son likes and you trust it can be helpful. The "school counselor" is a much different animal than the role I personally think of from my junior high days.......ages ago!

If your son can find someone to help him navigate this social stuff and give advice and tips, perhaps things would be that much easier for him. Someone who has a realistic understanding of what really goes on at his school, I think that could help him.

Some people just aren't great at reading social cues or *getting* social common sense. Does that mean they are on the spectrum? Gee, I don't know, but is doesn't mean that they definately are. See if a little *social training* helps...

The counselor is not through school, but rather came recommended from our someone in our church who uses her for their own child. Our school counselors have really long waiting lists and you are limited in how many times they can see you.

My son really likes the counselor, looks forward to going, and has opened up about a lot of stuff from the past (the bullying) which he hadn't discussed with anyone. She has helped him a lot socially, but there is a long road ahead yet. I think maybe he was too self confident about his ability to make a social decision for himself and once he realized he was in over his head he became too embarrassed to discuss it.

I must say, I wasn't the greatest socially when I was a kid either, but I finally did grow into the role. With a little help and training, I just hope he grows into it sooner than I did.