Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Now what?!...Venting

It took me forever to come to a decision regarding skipping 3 grades next year. I've read til i'm cross eyed, talked to everyone, asked advice, basically made myself crazy!

Out of the blue this morning, my partner says that she thinks it's a bad idea. She wants DS6 to go to first grade. Why? So that he doesn't miss out on macaroni art! I just looked at her like she was a 2 headed monster, how do you make an argument to that?

We agreed that his academics would be left to me as I'm the one who has taken the time to get educated. But this is back to the whole "freak factor" again. She actually asked me how it would look for his class picture with little bitty him and a bunch of big hulking 4th graders? Who cares!!!!

I don't even know how to respond........

Oh, so sorry!

Maybe she just needs to talk through it? (She said hopefully...)

I think it's natural to worry about a big decision like this. And I'm betting that you feel very insecure about the choice, too. (Could be wrong there, but I know I felt insecure when I made the off-beat choice to homeschool...So I'm going to work from that assumption--I'm I'm wrong, stop reading now! LOL!)

Insecurity makes it harder to be challenged in this way, I think, because people feel defensive when they're insecure about their choices. So can you address her worry without acknowledging that she seems to be second-guessing your decision? Just let that part of it go and let it be about her feelings?

After all, since it's your decision, it doesn't really matter in any significant way what she says, right? So if you can let it roll off you and not take it personally, then it's done. You don't really have to persuade her that you're right, strictly speaking.

I'm not saying that's easy or that this is what you want to have happen...but I also know that you can only control your own thoughts and actions, and if you don't feel that you have to try to change hers, then the situation can seem more manageable, less infuriating.

Maybe if you just let her vent, she can get past it.

I would recommend that you calmly remind her after she has gotten to vent her fears to her heart's content that it is important that she get onboard the train or get off the tracks! If she is undermining things--even without meaning to!--that could make your DS6 sabotage the situation out of some loyalty to her.

I'm sure she wants him to succeed, so I think she needs to get past her fears for his sake.

FWIW...

Please I keep bags of sand hidden all around the house to duck my head into all the time. It has to be so hard to get yourself to embrace a decision, finally get to that point, and then having second guessing... I hope it gets better.

At least it comes out of love... vent away... We all know you can care and still want to flog...

Hope your day gets better.

I'm sorry, that's so hard when your partner's not on board. Could be that talking it through is all that's needed, if the educational decisions have been up to you so far. Maybe you can find some good articles here to share with her about the benefits of radical acceleration in PG kids and the troubles with not accelerating:

http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/browse_articles_164.aspx

This one is pretty good for explaining the differences between MG and HG: http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10065.aspx Here's an excerpt:
The social alienation of extraordinarily gifted children is exacerbated by the insistence of educators and parents that they spend most of their time in the company of chronological peers. The assumption that children of the same age constitute a true peer group only holds true for children of average development. The term peer does not, in essence, mean people of the same age, but rather refers to individuals who can interact at an equal level around issues of common interest (Lewis, Young, Brooks, & Michelson, 1975). Highly gifted children are not likely to find developmentally defined peers among their age-mates, and in fact many of them prefer older companions (Hollingworth, 1942, Silverman, in preparation). Given a choice, highly gifted children tend to form friendships with others of similar mental age (O'Shea, 1960).

Shari

I just wanted to say that I don't agree with the whole "smallest one in the class" argument. If that were a real issue then I guess my dd7 needs to go back to preschool where she will meet the "size requirement". On growtrh charts she is at the 50%tile for 4 year olds!!

As for Macaroni Art, maybe your partner could do after school art projects.

Good luck, Sorry your partner isn't on board with this.

LOL! DD9's gonna be right there with her *shortly*....hee hee hee.

Shari, do you think your partner would be open to renegotiating the terms of these parenting decisions? I've felt like I have had the weight of the darn world on my shoulders with this stuff!

Perhaps instead of a simple, "no way!", the two of you can agree to have some serious pro/con discusssions and then make a compromise that both of you can live with.

You have all done all the research, so it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to have her sit down and go through it with you. Perhaps she would see why the 3 yr. gradeskip is a good idea. Or, perhaps the two of you could do some brainstorming and see if there are alternatives to consider.

At the beg. or our journey, DH said: It's not like they're geniuses or anything! which progressed to: What! That sounds crazy! No way! to: Whatever you say honey, to me basically MAKING him be involved in some of these decisions.

I'm hoping it will be beneficial down the road in terms of us not resenting each other.

The funny thing about the macaroni art comment is that it was one of the primary concerns I had about withdrawing DS to HS him. But it was leprochaun traps in our case. In any event, things are so much better now that he's not in the wrong environment. The fun primary art projects aren't enough of a trade off to have kept him there. I'm sure as a family you will come to the right decision for your DS. And I'm sure it would be easy to arrange for your DS to have art with his age peers in your accommodating school if it's that important to one or both of his parents.

It's a lot easier to find an age-appropriate art class--try the YMCA or a local art studio--than it is to find a good academic placement.

At least that's been my experience as a homeschooler. Decent art classes aren't that hard to find.

Take some time out and talk again. I am sure she is voicing out your concern too. Skipping 3 grade doesn't happen to just anyone. Taking this step out ... has lots of uncertainties but also opportunities! I hope both of u will come to a concensus soon.

After spending most of my day furious, it occurred to me that i'm going about this all wrong. Forget the emotion and get to the facts. I printed several articles (thanks, pauli) wrote down some websites and when she comes home I'm going to help her begin her education! We've got 5 weeks until his scheduled IEP, so that's my time frame. Cross your fingers!!!