Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Decompression Comencing

Warning: This is a serious vent. I just want to tear my hair out. So DD 4.5 has a friend who is (newly) 8. The girls play very well together - games, create plays, read - and seek each other out to spend time with. The other girl's mom even says that my DD plays games, etc. better than the other kids her DD hangs out with ages 7-10 and that she doesn't worry about the games being mishandled or fighting over rules, etc. when my DD is at their house the way she does with the other older kids.

Then she turns around and says that her DD is tired of "always having to watch the little kids like Boo". What?! WAIT! She doesn't "watch" Boo. They play board games together, practice acting out plays and writing songs together. What the *heck* is this "watch" business? The girls don't *have* to hang out. No one is forcing the other girl to invite my DD over. No one is forcing her to take us up on invitations to come over and visit.

The other mom also mentions emotional maturity levels. I understand that given the difference in age there will be some variation between the girls. But again, the other mom has commented that Boo often is more mature than the older girls. (Boo is very socially aware, considerate of others, diplomatic; it's just her nature.) I know that there are some things the Boo finds fun (like a kiddie ride that was too small for the other girl) that the other girl thinks are silly and there are things that the older girl does that Boo doesn't quite understand, yet. That's to be expected.

I just don't know how to take the comments. They seem double edged. Maybe I am just sensitive, because I thought that *FINALLY* Boo has a friend who likes to do things with her - read together, write poetry and short stories, create and act out plays, do nature studies, ride bikes, play hopscotch. A friend that doesn't care that she's younger/smaller. And to hear that the other girl is "tired of watching" Boo, just hurts. And I don't know if it's really the other girl saying it, I mean she even calls and sends e-mails to my DD or if the mom has a problem with the age difference.

To top it off, she constantly tells me that I'll understand re: emotional maturity when Boo is older like her DD. What am I twit? I understand it, *NOW* Thankyouverymuch. I also know that my DD is very mature for her age and I realize that she is still only 4.5, but unless the other mom is basing her yapping on something more than just my DD's age...

...I really just want to tell her to shut up!

Ugh!

CAPS for emphasis only. Misspellings and poor grammar for emphasis, too! Not really, but I don't feel up to editing.

All too often, people use others to try and voice their feelings without a willingness to own up to them. This woman is saying that her daughter says these things is probably in truth, her feelings. It sounds like you've spent a significant amount of time with this child. Do the mom's comments sound like something the daughter would say? I suspect not. I would take the opportunity to ask the child if she likes playing with your DD, if there are any problems etc and see what she says.
Unfortunately, it may be another case of simple jealousy. As your daughter gets older, she will outdistance the other girl. Many parents feel inadequate with their parenting when faced with a child that knows so much more, so much younger. It's stupid but it's very real.

Maybe she is saying that she feels like she has to watch Boo when Boo is playing at her house. Could you invite the friend over to your house more often?

Nope. Boo has never visited without me. I go over and have coffee, etc. with the mom and the kids spend time together. So it's *never* an issue of the mom or daughter "watching" my kids - ever. Boo's been invited alone, but it's never worked out for my schedule. But the mom has dropped her DD off at my house or had me watch her at another location without her. Otherwise, we see each other at park dates, etc.

Could you just do drop-off playdates from now on?
Sounds like the friendship b/w the kids is going well, but the mom's statements about it are irking you. <<shrug>> I don't know, I just didn't get impression from your post that you're friends with this woman. Is there a reason you would be obligated to hang out?

Huh. Well, that is strange. I don't know what to make of it!

Just a question - is the 8 year old gifted? I've got a 4 year old and an 8 year old so I might be able to give you some perspective on this. But knowing whether or not the 8 year old is gifted would help? jojo

I don't know. She just started reading a couple of months ago - Dr. Suess, mostly. But that doesn't necessarily mean anything re: GTness. She is doing math like 1,285 + 2,980=. I don't know if that's in line with 2nd grade expectations or not, though. My Kid Kompass is really unreliable. Any perspective you could send my way would be helpful.

Thanks.

Maybe the 8 year old girl was talking about "other kids" and not Boo? There could be another sentence in there with the implied meaning that Boo is different? "I am tired watching other kids like Boo. Because Boo is not like the other kids. I don't have to watch Boo"

??

The mom and I are friends. And I thought the kids were friends, too, independent of the parents' relationship. I just felt a bit blindsided. Here I thought one thing about the kids based on my observations of their interactions and the other mother is telling me something different. Interestingly enough, she just called to ask me to take a two week long trip with them and said that it would be great to have us along, because she would love to have me around and her DD would really like to spend time with Boo.

I just don't know what to think at this point. I am just going to go with the flow and see if these recent comments re: watching/babysitting, etc. were just anomalies, which would explain why I was so taken aback by them, or if something else is going on and I missed the signals. I feel quite by all of it.

I don't know what to make of it, either. Thus my current quandry.

My daughters have played beautifully today (aged 4 and 8, both gifted). I've loved listening to their elaborate cat/vet game. From an observer, I'm really happy with their interaction, their role play, their sharing, their problem-solving about who makes up the rules, etc. And it's certainly not always this good!

But... it's a stretch for Miss 4.5 to play with Miss 7.5. She has to extend herself. Mostly, Miss 7.5 accommodates this because she gets a lot out of the play herself and really enjoys it. But Miss 7.5 is not stretched by the play. I often wish Miss 7.5 could spend time with older girls - role models, kids that stretch her... But this is besides the point and not related to your situation.

I suspect, although could be completely wrong, that your friend may like hanging out with you and your DD but really aspires a "real friend" for her daughter - someone that is her daughter's own age. Do you openly talk about giftedness? Is your friendship with this mum competitive? How do you think she feels to see her DD playing with someone 3.5 years her junior? Does she accept that they're playing at the same level? I suspect not.

Mixed age friendships are very hard - not for the kids, but for the parents. What messages do you think this friendship between the girls is giving your friend? It seems to me that she might think that it's fine for "playdates" but it's not a genuine friendship. And you may need to confront her about this...

jojo

Actually, it is related. I am sure that the other mom would like her DD to spend time with "kids that stretch her". Although, the mom has (and often) said that her DD tends to get more out of playing with Boo than she does playing with girls her age and older (ages 7 - 10). The older girls will often play physical games with very little interpersonal or imaginative interaction. And I do understand the need to be with kids that "stretch" each other. I just get the message that when the girls play together they stretch eachother in various ways. But then, the feeling that that isn't good enough because of the age difference creeps in...not from me, of course.


Yes, I think you are right. Real friend may very well equal same age, despite what I mentioned above. I didn't think we had a competitive friendship, now I am not so sure. I thought she was fine with her DD have a friend that was younger and, again, I thought she accepted that they play at the same lever. But, again, now, I am unsure. Really, it's all a big question now, whereas, I had just been thrilled that Boo had found a peer - finally!

No we don't talk about giftedness, as from many of her comments she doesn't "believe" in it.


I can't say what message my friend is receiving. I thought she was fine with it, but perhaps she's feeling her DD is lesser because she gets along better with a 4.5 year old than with kids her own age. Although, I know some of the older kids and they are too immature for my 4.5 year old. And my friend acknowledges that,so...

I think you might be spot on re: good for playdates but not a genuine friendship. Yes, it does look like I will have to discuss it with her and figure out where she is coming from.

jojo

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Thank you!

I feel like a horror-head when this kind of thing happens in a friendship. You think you're on the same level, particularly with all the unsaid stuff about giftedness - and then some throw away comment and you're back to re-evaluating everything!!! I would certainly clear the air by talking with your friend, although you might not like the answers you hear...

Good luck... jojo

My first impression, and it hasn't changed, is that the 8 year old friend loves playing with your daughter but she's getting teased by the 8-10 year old group for playing with a 'baby'. She probably told them she had to 'watch Boo' & play with 'baby' Boo. Maybe she even said those words to her mother and mother thinks enough of you to entrust this information to you.
Your friend would not have invited you on a 2 week vacation if she really thought her daughter does not like playing with Boo. Why not discuss this more with your friend?

Oh... this is exactly what I was wondering.

Girls (and boys, to a degree) between the age of 8-12 often like to have a smaller kid around. I hope if the two kids like each other that nothing (your friend thinks/does) muddies that friendship.

Good luck!

Just this evening I found that the other mom was telling another friend that she didn't mean for me to think that she was lumping Boo in with the "watching little kids". I tried talking directly to my friend, but her method of communication often leaves me scratching my head. I know it sounds bad, but she has this way of taking a conversation where I am sure we are on the same page (or at least discussing the same topic) and completely switching it and when I try to get clarification things only get muddier. Not long ago we were talking about the best place to purchase home organization items and suddenly she was on a diatribe re: war casualties for a full 5 minutes,for example.

So after all of my ponderings in this thread, it dawned on me...my "friend" is so passive-aggressive that *I* feel bi-polar when dealing with her. No, we aren't going on a trip with her, I considered it, but since I *never* know how quickly my friends mood will change from amicable to aggressive, we decided to pass. In face, the best course of action, IMO, is to start distancing ourselves. The kids will still see eachother at public get togethers, but I won't have Boo go over alone (she never has, but I have considered it). Given the types of comments the other mom makes re: Boo directly to me or Boo in my presence...I don't even want to imagine what she would say if I weren't around. I always end up feeling bruised after talking with the other mom.

Not gonna go there!

Thanks for "listening" as I worked through this.

Ah Mizzoumoummu - I tried to post yesterday, but my phone sometimes acts weird and just 'eats' my tiny words! I'm glad to hear that you are NOT taking that vaction, and that you are taking steps to 'branch out' your social circles. I always wish for that 'one best friend' who is perfectly compatable, but IRL, it's really hard to find that 'one special friend.' Some years of my life I have it and some years of my life I don't. I've even had one die on me! Talk about horrible! The characters in books seem to have no trouble with this, but here in real life, finding and keeping a special friend is a bumpy road. Now I try to take that 'friends for a reason and friends for a season' approach, and be grateful for the good parts and distance the rest.

((hugs))
Grinity