Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Decompression Comencing

I don't know what to make of it, either. Thus my current quandry.

My daughters have played beautifully today (aged 4 and 8, both gifted). I've loved listening to their elaborate cat/vet game. From an observer, I'm really happy with their interaction, their role play, their sharing, their problem-solving about who makes up the rules, etc. And it's certainly not always this good!

But... it's a stretch for Miss 4.5 to play with Miss 7.5. She has to extend herself. Mostly, Miss 7.5 accommodates this because she gets a lot out of the play herself and really enjoys it. But Miss 7.5 is not stretched by the play. I often wish Miss 7.5 could spend time with older girls - role models, kids that stretch her... But this is besides the point and not related to your situation.

I suspect, although could be completely wrong, that your friend may like hanging out with you and your DD but really aspires a "real friend" for her daughter - someone that is her daughter's own age. Do you openly talk about giftedness? Is your friendship with this mum competitive? How do you think she feels to see her DD playing with someone 3.5 years her junior? Does she accept that they're playing at the same level? I suspect not.

Mixed age friendships are very hard - not for the kids, but for the parents. What messages do you think this friendship between the girls is giving your friend? It seems to me that she might think that it's fine for "playdates" but it's not a genuine friendship. And you may need to confront her about this...

jojo

Actually, it is related. I am sure that the other mom would like her DD to spend time with "kids that stretch her". Although, the mom has (and often) said that her DD tends to get more out of playing with Boo than she does playing with girls her age and older (ages 7 - 10). The older girls will often play physical games with very little interpersonal or imaginative interaction. And I do understand the need to be with kids that "stretch" each other. I just get the message that when the girls play together they stretch eachother in various ways. But then, the feeling that that isn't good enough because of the age difference creeps in...not from me, of course.


Yes, I think you are right. Real friend may very well equal same age, despite what I mentioned above. I didn't think we had a competitive friendship, now I am not so sure. I thought she was fine with her DD have a friend that was younger and, again, I thought she accepted that they play at the same lever. But, again, now, I am unsure. Really, it's all a big question now, whereas, I had just been thrilled that Boo had found a peer - finally!

No we don't talk about giftedness, as from many of her comments she doesn't "believe" in it.


I can't say what message my friend is receiving. I thought she was fine with it, but perhaps she's feeling her DD is lesser because she gets along better with a 4.5 year old than with kids her own age. Although, I know some of the older kids and they are too immature for my 4.5 year old. And my friend acknowledges that,so...

I think you might be spot on re: good for playdates but not a genuine friendship. Yes, it does look like I will have to discuss it with her and figure out where she is coming from.

jojo

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Thank you!

I feel like a horror-head when this kind of thing happens in a friendship. You think you're on the same level, particularly with all the unsaid stuff about giftedness - and then some throw away comment and you're back to re-evaluating everything!!! I would certainly clear the air by talking with your friend, although you might not like the answers you hear...

Good luck... jojo

My first impression, and it hasn't changed, is that the 8 year old friend loves playing with your daughter but she's getting teased by the 8-10 year old group for playing with a 'baby'. She probably told them she had to 'watch Boo' & play with 'baby' Boo. Maybe she even said those words to her mother and mother thinks enough of you to entrust this information to you.
Your friend would not have invited you on a 2 week vacation if she really thought her daughter does not like playing with Boo. Why not discuss this more with your friend?

Oh... this is exactly what I was wondering.

Girls (and boys, to a degree) between the age of 8-12 often like to have a smaller kid around. I hope if the two kids like each other that nothing (your friend thinks/does) muddies that friendship.

Good luck!

Just this evening I found that the other mom was telling another friend that she didn't mean for me to think that she was lumping Boo in with the "watching little kids". I tried talking directly to my friend, but her method of communication often leaves me scratching my head. I know it sounds bad, but she has this way of taking a conversation where I am sure we are on the same page (or at least discussing the same topic) and completely switching it and when I try to get clarification things only get muddier. Not long ago we were talking about the best place to purchase home organization items and suddenly she was on a diatribe re: war casualties for a full 5 minutes,for example.

So after all of my ponderings in this thread, it dawned on me...my "friend" is so passive-aggressive that *I* feel bi-polar when dealing with her. No, we aren't going on a trip with her, I considered it, but since I *never* know how quickly my friends mood will change from amicable to aggressive, we decided to pass. In face, the best course of action, IMO, is to start distancing ourselves. The kids will still see eachother at public get togethers, but I won't have Boo go over alone (she never has, but I have considered it). Given the types of comments the other mom makes re: Boo directly to me or Boo in my presence...I don't even want to imagine what she would say if I weren't around. I always end up feeling bruised after talking with the other mom.

Not gonna go there!

Thanks for "listening" as I worked through this.

Ah Mizzoumoummu - I tried to post yesterday, but my phone sometimes acts weird and just 'eats' my tiny words! I'm glad to hear that you are NOT taking that vaction, and that you are taking steps to 'branch out' your social circles. I always wish for that 'one best friend' who is perfectly compatable, but IRL, it's really hard to find that 'one special friend.' Some years of my life I have it and some years of my life I don't. I've even had one die on me! Talk about horrible! The characters in books seem to have no trouble with this, but here in real life, finding and keeping a special friend is a bumpy road. Now I try to take that 'friends for a reason and friends for a season' approach, and be grateful for the good parts and distance the rest.

((hugs))
Grinity