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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,085
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,085 |
One of the books we read (You and Your Only Child)made an important point, one that we have taken to heart. That is that parents of only children often feel responsibility to be their child's playmate and best friend. We feel like, since we didn't have sibling for our kids, that we should fill that role. But that is not our job. We are the parents. We do have a couple responsibilities--finding other people (kids and adults) who our children can spend time with and teaching our children to entertain themselves.
Two wonderful attributes (I think) that are seen in only children are an ability to make very close, very fulfilling friendships and the ability to be satisfied with one's own company and not "need" to restlessly fill up every moment with other people. When you volunteer to be your son's playmate, you reduce the chances that he will learn these skills. We are still in the stage of are we or aren't we with a second child and as the months go by we are closer to the only child decision so I guess, for me, I haven't got to the concept of how to handle an only child so I do appreciate the information you passed along. I quickly went to trying to get her to play on her own when she showed signs of it and I know this was before she was a year old. But again I had that high maintenance baby who never slept and always wanted to sit up in your arms and by the time she showed signs I was so ready. So I am glad that my selfish reasoning corresponds with the advice.
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 110
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 110 |
Hi,
I've been watching this post with interest, since it seems to describe my relationship with my DS4 to a T. My DS4 was a terribly high needs baby who thoroughly crushed any vague notions we might have had about having more than one child, and I am a mother who does not especially like babies. I spent the first couple of years wishing I could fast forward to the part where we'd be able to have conversations, tell each other jokes and draw pictures together, and he'd occasionally go off on his own to read or play by himself for a while. We're finally getting there, and I am enjoying my son more than ever, but I have to say, he's only slightly less demanding at age 4 than he was as a baby. Instead of crying for me to hold him, my son now follows me around the house (so close I literally trip on him sometimes) whining "Mama, when are you going to PLAY with me" if I dare do anything as selfish as try to clean or make dinner. To make matters worse, as he gets older, the lack of siblings is becoming more of a problem. Even with nearly constant interaction at home (my husband and I basically take turns playing with him when we're not working), preschool 4 times a week, gym night and playdates in between, he tells us he's "lonely and bored." I get no exercise, have no real friends outside of email, and still (after 4 long years!) feel like I'm waiting for that day when I'll have more freedom (maybe once he reads chapter books??!). I still can't even figure out how people find time to post on this site as often as they do--DS4 is "waiting" for me right now.
Anyway, I'm realizing, my HG son is never going to "give" me more time or "let" me have more time, and that if I want time for myself, I'm going to have to "take" it. My mother always felt like she gave far more than she received while my siblings and I were growing up, and she was very bitter and resentful as a result, which wasn't good for anyone. I don't want to be like that.
He calls . . . I'm sorry that you can relate to me!  I know that a demanding child is exhausting! I really do appreciate you sharing though. I remember when dd was a newborn she would only sleep 8 or 9 out of 24 hours,. The doctor told me she should be sleeping something like 18-22 hours. He said it was fine because she was growing etc and that she just didnt need as much sleep. i remember the only way to get her to sleep for a long time was to literally bounce her on our knees until she fell asleep. I also remember the days of not being able to put her in the car seat...she would arch her back and scream so I couldnt do up the straps. That was so frustrating! I also spent the first year sitting in the back seat with her so that I could entertain her. If I was alone in the car with her she would cry (or if I dared to try sitting in the front when dh was driving). We are at the tripping over dd stage too and we also trade off playing with her...it's like a tag team on weekends when dh isn't working. Anyhow...it is just really nice to hear you talk about what you went through and are going through. I don't even think my parents believed me when I would complaing about how high needs she was as a baby. She is obviously so much better (toss her a cracker and she is ok in the car for a few minutes...but then the questions start: "hey Mama, what is that wire for? Where is that truck going? Why is it foggy?" lol fun fun. Just wantd to let you know how much I appreciate your post.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,207
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,207 |
You mean that every child doesn't scream in the car from birth on and arch their little backs when you try to buckle them in? I thought that they all did that!
Also that non-sleeping thing...I was just going through dS's babybook - he was in a sling attached to me in almost every picture. I 'believed' in the 'family bed' thing and DS seemed very content to sleep and nurse as long as I was in physical contact with him. Naps were 'in the sling' while I cooked or picked up the house. I tried putting him down for a nap, but it seemed that he would wake up wailing withing 15 minutes. He would occasionally sleep for a whole hour, but it was so unpredictable, that I couldn't do much more than zone out anyway.
In a way it was lucky that I was socializing with 'La Leche Leauge' moms who were very into 'filling the true needs' and there was one of the Leader Moms there had a baby like mine.
This is why I laugh to myself when you say that you baby isn't like mine Onsie! At two mine wasn't reading or doing anything I could recognise as gifted, just really really 'awake, alert, and demanding.' I think that this is not a sign of giftedness, more a sign of a personality turned to 'high level' due to the giftedness.
((shrug))
Grinity
Coaching available, at SchoolSuccessSolutions.com
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,085
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she would arch her back and scream so I couldnt do up the straps. That was so frustrating! Okay this is to you oneisenough and to grinity. The above mentioning of arching their back made me think of my friend's babies and major acid reflux. Of course trying to strap a baby into the carseat does not mean it has anything to do with it, but did your babies arch their backs after feedings and if you put them down flat for a nap? My friend is my super expert in the department and is very sensative to those actions b/c her first daughter was spitting up while nursing and not wanting to lay down and very clingy. She didn't think anything of it at first but when she took her in for a well check up she found out that she was not gaining weight and had a severe case of acid reflux. They are coming to discover that a lot of babies diagnosed with colic are babies with acid reflux. Now she has her second baby and she too has the same problems but she was able to watch for the signs and get her help immediately but still she has fallen off the charts for growth. I really don't know why I am bothering you guys with that but just more of a curiousity on my part if your children tended to do the above mention things.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,840
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Okay this is to you oneisenough and to grinity. The above mentioning of arching their back made me think of my friend's babies and major acid reflux. That is EXACTLY what MR W would do. A few changes and he was just fine.
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,299
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Posts: 1,299 |
Grinity your description summed up my experience to a T. After my first was like this, my friends would say "Your second will be so easy." They were so wrong! She was even more intense than the first. My back aches thinking of all the hours using the baby sling. DH and I would joke that DDs had horizontal sensors: as soon as you would try to lay them down, their eyes would pop open and the screaming would begin. really really 'awake, alert, and demanding Sounds like a good title for a book I needed when my daughters were born. It's gotten better now that they're older (4&6). Now it's less physically demanding but more mentally challenging. 
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 797
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Wow, I'm jealous that your kids would be in a sling! I tried it several times in different positions and all I got was screaming.
He wanted to be upright and moving, but not confined. So, for me, that just meant carrying him with my arms. He was 9lbs5oz at birth and grew quickly so I just remember most of that first year as being soar and overheated. He would do OK in the stroller or car seat as long as we were moving, but as soon as the car or stroller stopped, watch out!
And ditto on the "horizontal sensor" DH would have to walk DS for several hours each night before he was completely asleep adn could be put down.
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 110
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 110 |
for us it wasn't acid reflux. We hoped it was that simple and brought her to so many different doctors. we were the overprotective parents that were always at the doctors and the walk-in clinics. I don't know what it was for dd...she just didn't need as much sleep and she still doesn't. She loves life and doesn't want to miss any of it! I tihnk the back arching thing is sort of common though isn't it?
On a different note...we went to a new playgroup today that we had never been to. I went with my sister-in-law and neice and my friend (with the 1 year old that dd doesn't like) was there too. Dd spent half the time reading books by herself and wanted nothin to do with anyone except me. she didn't even want to play with her cousin which was weird. But it was nice to get out to a different environment. I might take her there a couple more times and see if she starts to like it. Most of the parents seemed to be sitting arounf the edges of the room and chatting while their little ones played...that would be a nice goal!
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 110
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 110 |
Wow, I'm jealous that your kids would be in a sling! I tried it several times in different positions and all I got was screaming.
He wanted to be upright and moving, but not confined. So, for me, that just meant carrying him with my arms. He was 9lbs5oz at birth and grew quickly so I just remember most of that first year as being soar and overheated. He would do OK in the stroller or car seat as long as we were moving, but as soon as the car or stroller stopped, watch out!
And ditto on the "horizontal sensor" DH would have to walk DS for several hours each night before he was completely asleep adn could be put down. we didn't have any luck with a sling or baby carrier either. I think maybe if i had started that right from day one, she might have given it a chance...but waited until she was a couple months old and there was just no way. The swing worked for a month or so (on and off) then the bouncy chair worked on and off too for a little while, her playpen had a vibrate setting and that was good for a couple of months...so we had small amounts of time here and there where she was happy. I was so lookign forward to the exersaucer, but that one didnt fly either. She just wanted to be walked around. guess I would get bored of sitting in a swing agter 20 minutes too! Oh and in the stroller she was ok too...as long as I sang the ABC's (and it had to be ABC's, not twinkle twinkle or anything else!) hahaha no wonder I had no friends, I am sure I looked like a big weirdo! So glad those days are behind me! Thinking of them kind of feels like I made it through major surgery (over and over!), or some sort of survivor show! lol
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,085
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oneisenough... I for one am very proud of you!!! I am so glad you ventured out and tried something different. Just remember that it is probably new to DD and I would not expect anything less for her first time. You should definitely take her back with the logic that it will hopefully become familiar to her and with that she will be more willing to open up. Just like it is baby steps for you; it is baby steps for her. But again take your bow and feel the warmth because you earned it!
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