Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion off topic...do you ever wish this or is it just me

I second that AMEN! Parenting is simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding thing we will ever do. I still remember the night before my DH was returning to work 2 weeks after DD was born. I couldn't stop crying. I was so afraid of being alone with her and messing everything up. When I finally verbalized "I miss our old life" to DH, I felt like a terrible mom. I knew by then that I was a major perfectionist, but I now believe that these kids make it so much harder than ND kids.

Do you guys have a Parents as Teachers (PAT) near you? I encourage you to look them up or find another organization that can help. PAT assigns a parent educator to your family who visits to see how you're doing. Mine told me that you cannot be a good parent if you don't take care of yourself first. Kind of like the airlines when they tell you to secure your mask before those next to you ;-)

I really believe that, so I agree with prior posts advising you to take care of yourself, however is best for you. My mom judged my DH and I when we would get a sitter for an evening even if DD had a little cold, but we needed the break and the time to reconnect. And for those single parents: I truly don't know how you do it. When DH is gone for 2 overnights, I think I'm going to die.

And I honestly believe that my clingy DD3 needs to learn patience, so if I am in the middle of doing something for me when she 'needs me', I give her the choice of waiting until I'm finished or figuring out an alternative to me. We made lots of progress on this during the holiday break, and life is much better right now.

Another wonderful benefit of PAT was their "playgroup formation" meeting. I joined a playgroup with others who had babies DD's age (which was 1-2 months old at that time). DD is now 8, and some of my closest friends are from that playgroup (and so are DD's). Even if you don't have PAT, find another organization (ie gymboree classes) where you can meet others in the same boat as you. I know it's awkward at first, but now I feel I can share all my 'bad mom' stories with those friends and they do not judge me!

And of course, keep posting your frustrations to this board so all of us will know that we aren't alone in this :-)

wow. all great replies! Thank you so much for sharing and being so honest. I know that parenting is hard and I agree that not being honest about how hard it is does no good for anyone. I just reconnected with a friend that I had not spoken to since elementary school (this is the friend with the 1 year old). We have been going to the odd walk/playdate and for the first time EVER I heard someone talk about how hard parenting is and how it was so unexpected. It was so refreshing to hear someone being so honest. I didn't even get that from my mom and baby classes I took when dd was a newborn. I couldn't sit with the group for more than 5 minutes a class because she was so fussy and refuse to be happy unless I was walking while holding her, but she wouldn't even let me walk in the mom and baby room...I had to leave and have her in the hallway. Even then, she would cry 90% of the time. But i would come back into the room to pack up at the end of the class and the instructor would ask me how everything was going. I would say "great" and she would say she was so glad to hear that and what a cute baby bla bla bla. It just felt like what we are supposed to do. How could I and why would I tell the group leader about my problems. Anyhow, it was so nice to hear my friend talk about it. I really respect her for being so honest!

I also agree with those of you that have mentioned something to the tune of happy mama=happy baby and that it is time to do something for myself. One part of my life that I miss so much is school. I wanted to be a university professor, but I have so much education left. It will never happen. That is a goal that I have to let go and it is hard. Another part of my life was soccer. I played very competitve level soccer and I miss that too. That is something that I don't really have the drive for anymore. I am just too tired and honestly I feel too old. So what is left of me? I don't know. That is something I have to figure out. If I was to do something for me, what would it be? Maybe I could start by trying to find time to go to the gym. I jsut don't know when that time would be.

I know there was more I wanted to say, but I can't remember right now. I will probably psot again later!

Thank you all again...so much! I keep reading the other posts in hopes of finding something I can give input/help with, but there is nothing yet. I really thank you for letting me pick your brains and letting me give nothing in return to you.

Thanks WBGTE Lori and KCAB for the support. I don't feel so lonely up on my soapbox now! PAT sounds like a great way for parents to support each other and be honest with each other. Even without PAT, I have found that by just being honest with other parents about how my day is really going that I am able to coax some more honesty out of other mothers.

I did just want to take issue though with one comment you made.


I hear this a lot and I think it gets said so much we often say it without thinking about it. While parenting is hard and can be rewarding, I always feel like this cliche is a bit dishonest as well. Do we actually have any data to prove this? Would raising my son really be harder and more rewarding than what Mother Theresa was doing in Calcutta? Or devoting one's life to curing a bad disease? Or negotiating a major peace deal? I don't know. But I guess it doesn't seem fair to those people who do not have children but make major sacrifices and contributions to this world, to people who wanted children but cannot have them, or to people for whom parenting is not rewarding.

Sorry about the soapbox again. I'll go lance my son's blood blister now. Pus. Gotta love this parenting thing!

acs - I agree that others have it far worse. Notice that I said it's the hardest thing "WE will ever do". By that I meant my DH and I. I know that we will not cure a bad disease or negotiate a peace deal :-)

And as for people who wanted children but cannot have them: I agree completely. In fact, our DDs are 5.5 years apart because we had fertility issues, and that 4 years was really hard. However, since it was not all that rewarding, I still stand by my statement that it is both hard and rewarding for DH and I simultaneously :-) Although as the eternal optimist that I am, I could argue that making it through that rough time was the reward, so let me modify my statement to say parenting is the hardest and most rewarding thing we will ever do voluntarily!

OK, now I'm rambling....

Onsie - wake up dear. I think you are dreaming. One 'advantage' of being shy and not socializing is that you don't get to see what ND is really like. So a side benifit of getting your self out there into the Mommy/babby world is that you will 'get orriented' - Believe me, I hope I'm wrong, and she loves every thing about school for the whole time, but the baby who cried through Mommy and Me class isn't going to suddenly become a social butterfly, ya' know?

Plus there is the small possiblity that she is like you, and shy will come naturally to her. So you get to practice your social skills together - that's ok. She is clearly telling you that she doesn't like that one year old. Stop setting up playdates with them. Go to the library or the park or the museam or wherever kids her age might be and practice you 'pick up' lines. Think of it this way - when it come time for your daughter to choose a mate, do you want her to take 'whoever shows an interest in her' or do you want her to be skilled in 'making things happen' socially around her? It is never to late to learn to say hello, and strike up a conversation, and see if you might like those other people. If she finds a kid that she really likes, then you don't have to socialize with the other Mom, you can take turns having an hour off.

I have to plug for my son's 'Other Mother' - on of the boys from daycare (around age 3) became friends with My DS, and I got to be friends with the Mom, and she has been able to provide things to my son that I would never be able to in a million years. At their house they build forts and campfires, eat differnt foods, play differnt games. When DS and I aren't getting along, he spends more time over there where someone remembers how precious he is. I taught her son to play chess, and always want to know what he's reading. I really, really, really can't imagine these last 10 years wtihout them in our lives. Another really wise friend tells her kids that they can learn to enjoy different sides of themselves with different people.

I know that I 'love new situations' and that not everyone is like this. DS and DH are 'slow to warm up' to anything that is new. But that's what is so great about being miserable, suddently parts of one that seemed 'not worth the trouble to develop' are looking pretty appealing.

I like the idea of the High School babysitter. Get one soon and go observe preschools and kindergarden, and then back to the gym or the university or the ball field. I love the idea of you playing soccer. Maybe the High Schooler and you and DD can all get out and play soon?

Wow!
Grinity

Ah, but you are young still. No telling what you will find to occupy your time when your 80. I have high hopes for you

Oh the cliches ... but for me I think that being a mother has been the hardest thing I have had to do but also the most rewarding I have experienced so far. I have worked in the corporate world as a network engineer and project manager and consulted on some major projects as well as been in the academics but none of it compares to being with my daughter. I will never forget the first few months with her and the arguments my DH and I would get into b/c he works so much. I had a c-section and only had him around for a week before he had to go back to work and I had to figure it out by myself. Even today I sometimes feel like a single mother because he works so much. Sometimes being the best means so much pressure put on you or on yourself. On top of no help I had the lovely infant that never slept. I never got a break like most moms did with the 2 hour naps. If I was lucky she would maybe sleep 30 minutes and that was on her best of days. But the funny thing is my mom had to remind me of that a few months ago with my famous comment of "I didn't get a baby. She is not a baby." I had forgot all about that time. But as a toddler I so love my time with my child. From the minute she started walking she became independent which freed me up and really helped in my pressures. As far as the rewarding; a day does not go by that I look into those bright beautiful eyes in amazement by what she discovered or what she said or did. I love seeing the world through her eyes and do not mind saying that she has opened my eyes to new things.

Maybe I am corny and gave you ammo for the soapbox for yet another sappy description of motherhood, but I will take it happily b/c I stand behind my claims.

Take one class. I started language class when DS was 2. He is now 13. I have now had 5 years of that language, been invited to Asia twice as a result of the contacts I made through my tutor and am now back in grad school for my second masters--one class at a time. I had no idea when I hired that tutor where it would all lead, but it's been amazing. I honestly just wanted something to keep my mind engaged but it opened up a new world for me.

I know several people who went back to college and then on to get PhD's after having kids. One woman I know got her PhD the same year her son did. Don't give up.

Also, could you find a local league for soccer or even just a few moms to go kick a ball around a few days a week. You must exercise. In fact, that may be just what you need to get energy back.

It sounds so easy doesn't it! It should be that easy and I do try so hard to be say hi and talk to other moms. I don't want my daughter to be anti social, so I fake it for her! I just can't stand small talk...it is so fake, but I guess that once you get to knwo someone then the small talk comes to an end. Dd starts a new dance class on thursday, so maybe there will be some parents there that I can "pick up"

I am sure she will be like me and be shy...I already see so many signs of it. But, I am hoping that she will like school regardless of that...like I did. Actually, I guess I wasn't shy in school, it is only since I became an adult...that's a weird realization!

anyways, I didn't think my original post would turn into a 3-page discussion, but it has been a good one. I think I know what to do...I need to help dd make a friend or two and I need to make a friend or two. Does that about sum it up? Oh and the idea of a "helper" is a great one, but would dd let me leave her with someone else...no way. Maybe if I did it gradually? Ya and this is the kid I want to drop off in a room full of other kids and some stranger adults. hmmmm not likely hey!

thank you all again. you are wonderful! I admire you all for being so honest here...it is so helpful!

Yup, you are exactly right. I need to exercise. I know I would feel so much better. I will work on organizing that. If she likes preschool (please please please) then that would be a good time for me to take a class, or something else for me. I would really look forward to that!

Thanks for sharing your story of going back to school...something I wish could happen for me. maybe somewhere in the far future, who knows right!